Pastasplace

Which One Is It?

2011-02-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

For a long time I've been worried about our tanning beds. Are they worse than our competitors? Better? The same? I really didn't know, and I still don't. I hardly ever use them as I really don't have the time, or frankly, the desire. I'm here enough. I'm not coming in early, or staying late just to lie in a tanning bed. I'm just not that interested. But one thing I always wonder about is the quality. Will people notice a difference between us, and BIG CHAIN SALON? Even though there really isn't much difference, sometimes it's in the eye of the beholder.

My question has been answered now, and with almost no effort on my part. That's my favorite way actually.

People will come in to tan, ask for a specific bed, and then go into the wrong room. It happens, and it's an easy mistake. I usually say..."Room 3", or "Room 8" just so there's no confusion, and it gets people in and out faster, but not always. I usually don't say it if it's someone that's been coming here for a long time, because why would I? I don't move the beds around, they're hardwired into their respective outlets, and they weigh upwards of half a ton, and sometimes more, so they're all but permanent right where they are.

But when someone that's been coming here for three, or four years and says I want the "Level 5" a bed they've used on at least a dozen prior occasions by the way, and then immediately walks into a different room and waits for the bed to start, I realized they can't tell the difference! And in this circumstance there is a difference. You'd think that would be a bad thing. But it isn't. That means that one of the big guys that blew $500,000 on eight super-duper fancy air conditioned, misting, neon lit beds wasted their money.

You're Back? Part 3

2011-02-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

So after J.S. explosion of fury that someone would dare sully her precious little angel of a daughter, by daring to ask her to do something unsavory, despite the fact that no one asked, and don't forget she's 18, and it might sound demented to some, but the minute someone turns 18 I consider them an adult. A full blown adult on an equal - legal at least - footing with me. They can smoke, buy a house, get married, sign a contract, get prosecuted and put in big time prison, have babies, and until the late 70's even buy alcohol, which I still think they should be allowed to do, and on, and on.

Hell I had relatives that joined the military, fought in some of the most famous battles of WWII, probably killed scores of people, and were shot at 100's of times, all before they were even 17 years of age, never mind 18. Suddenly I'm supposed to approach adults of today differently than I would anyone else? Anyway she says her piece, and I do my best to look concerned, and I make promises to "get to the bottom of this" even though I couldn't possibly care less, and will forget she was even here the minute she walks out. You know the old saying if you can fake sincerity you have it made? Pfft. They made that up for me.

I go back to work, and do whatever it is I do, and carry on like normal. I asked Girlfriend one last time what happened, she says she doesn't know what J.S. is talking about. Whatever, fine, and everything is back to normal. Oddly after "the big scandal" one of A.R.'s former friends walks in. And since I consider "Julie" more of a friend than a customer, I relay this little tale to her. Her reply"

"A.R. (The now adult, future dancer in question) is a psychopathic liar."

Apparently their house had to be ringed with security cameras, because of A.R.s penchant for getting "sideways" with just about every human being she comes across. How bad of a person do you have to be to instill such hatred at such a young age? I mean it's not like she was a mobster or anything. But of course her mother (J.S.) thinks it's everyone else's problem. I forgot to mention that they were asked to leave the last tanning salon they were using. Oh but "it was the girls that worked there. They were nasty." Maybe. Or maybe it's because you daughter is crazy. She once flew into a drunken rage, and spit in a girls face, and punched her when she wouldn't participate in a threesome with her, and her boyfriend. That's the story anyway. The other stories I've heard are equally unbalanced, and far worse. If even half of what I heard is true... Yikes. And guess who doesn't hear about any of this? The Mom.

Keep in mind she is an attractive young girl. Thin, blonde, on the outside she's very personable, and friendly. But you do notice that thin veneer of phoniness. The over enunciated "Hi!" When she sees you. Nothing you can put your finger on, you just know she doesn't mean it.

Well a full day goes by, and I've all but forgotten all about this little, melodrama when sudden The Mom suddenly appears in the parking lot, and walks up to the door...

This CD Player Doesn't Work!

2011-02-12T11:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah I know. One of you broke it. Some people can't even comprehend the massive technological ability required to operate a radio/CD player, and then once you walk in the door you people turn into a bunch of apes on roller-skates. All day long I hear stuff crashing, and bangin' around in those little rooms, and nervously I go in there after you left because I'm terrified at what else you managed to break during the 10 whole minutes you were in there unsupervised.

Kinda like the shelves. You know the ones. The ones that are attached to the wall using massive three inch screws drilled directly into the steel wall stud. Yeah those. How you've managed to damage those is beyond me. Especially considering it's just a f-cking shelf. What were you doing in there between the time you got undressed, tanned, and redressed that allowed you to damage that?

It just sits there. It doesn't move. You don't have to "dodge it". It'll never run out in front of you. It's a shelf on a wall. Is this the reason so many people have "dings" on the side of their brand new car? Because some thoughtless idiot wasn't thinking? I bet you're the ones that break my shelves.

You're Back? Part 2

2011-02-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

...Now where was I? Oh right A.R. Well a couple of weeks go by, and J.L. is just as happy as she can be. She must've been the talk of the school. I knew that because every 16 year old boy would come in here asking "Is she here?" because they knew she tanned here. Well, for a week, or two things kinda go back to normal, J.L. is happy, and the BIG EXCITING NEWS begins to sorta fade away.

Well J.S. shows up and walks up to the counter. She's been tanning here for a while, and has a daughter in high school too.

"I need to talk to you." She says.

Oh f-ck.What the Hell do you want. Just tan and get out would you? I think to myself.

"Did you know J. is dancing now?"
"Yes, why?" She's a parent so obviously she doesn't know sh-t about what her kids or their friends are doing.

"Well, I don't appreciate your girlfriend asking my daughter to work at the place with J.L.!"

"What?" What the Hell is she talking about? "I don't know what you mean"

"Your girlfriend asked my daughter if she would be interested in dancing where she works."

What she doesn't know is, that my girlfriend's boss is a half-wit. It's his rule that anyone that owns, or works for a different business outside of "Gentleman's Club" can't mention that inside the club or to other employees. So asking her daughter to work there would most likely let the cat out of the bag, and she'd lose her job there, which we still kinda need, so that wouldn't have happened. Besides we thought it was better if our customers weren't aware of where she worked on the side. Why? Because people are weird that's why. Anyway we just thought it was better.

"Well I don't know what kind of business you're really running here, or if the other parents would be happy to know that your "pimping" out their daughters or talking them into become strippers, but I don't appreciate it!"

Of course she's almost shouting at this point.

"I still don't know what you're talking about".

And at this point I don't. Her daughter is mildly attractive, and a complete psycho bitch so I admit she'd probably make a perfect dancer, but seriously we wouldn't do that. Our business is to important to our lives to start trying to convince 18, or 19 year old customers to become strippers.

"When did you hear about J working there?" I ask her.
"Just last night when my daughter brought all of this up."

I said, "You know J has been dancing there for like three weeks now. If you just found out last night you're absolutely the last person to know. She's been telling everybody with two good ears everyday that she works there. How do you know your daughter didn't simply just go in there to apply because they're friends?"

"Because A.R. told me your girlfriend asked her to go in there!"

She's so insistent, that I start to think that maybe she's right. Maybe Girlfriend did mention something when J.L., A.R., and my girlfriend were having some sort of casual conversation in the lobby or something. But I stick to my guns because I really don't think this happened, and something seems kinda suspicious...

You're Back?

2011-02-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend used to be a "dancer". The exotic kind. She was for a long time. Well as her career wound down, the place where she worked offered her a position as a manager/trainer of the new girls that were hired. To be honest I don't know what she does exactly, but that's the gist of it. Not everyone who comes in here knows that, but some do (this'll all make sense in a minute).

The place where she works isn't really that far from the store, and it's pretty well known in the area. Even in a place as big, and heavily populated as the Greater Metropolitan Area there aren't that many "Gentleman's Clubs" so most people have heard of all of them even if they've never actually been to them. Well one girl who'd been coming in here all through high school had her heart dead-set on being a stripper. It was her goal. Her dream. Whatever, it's her life what do I care. Anyway she was gonna start at the same club where my girlfriend works on her 18th birthday.

So, she goes through all of the preliminaries, and gets hired. She was starting that night, and comes in to tan so she'd look good. She swears me, and girlfriend to secrecy. "You can't tell anyone!" She implores. Fine. I really don't care anyway. All of my girlfriend's friends were or are dancers. It's something I've been around for a very long time so I've become completely desensitized to it. Trust me I'm not impressed that you're a stripper now.

So what's the first thing she does when she goes back to school the next day? Yes she's still in high school at this time. She tells everyone with even minimal ear function that she's "dancing now." Again, It's her life. I don't really give a sh-t.

The problem really started when her friend A.R. decided that she'd like to give this a try...

Big Money.

2011-02-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

Alright. So I talked to the people where I want to put my bar. Luckily it's a family owned building, as opposed to some faceless corporate owned place, so that definitely has it's advantages. But the site is actually much bigger than I thought. 9500 square feet to be exact.

It's not too big for what I want, the problems with a big place like that begin with the rent. The people that own the place were totally on board with my idea with putting a bar in there, which is actually a good first step. Not a lot makes me nervous, but I was very nervous when I called them because I didn't want them to think a bar was a bad idea and say no. They actually seemed excited by the idea. So hurdle one? Gone.

I admit that I fibbed just a little and told them that I wanted to put a sports bar in there, when nothing could be further from the truth. I would rather be f-cking dead than be surrounded by meat-headed sports fans 15 hours a day. And believe me the last thing this world needs is another sports bar. They'd find me hanging from an electrical cord in the back two weeks after we opened, but they'd get over that little lie.

The real issue begins with their asking price. $20 a square foot. It's really not that bad, it's just that there's a lot of square feet. So commercial rent works like this, square feet x price/12 = monthly rent. So...

9500 x $20 = 190,000 /12 = $15,833.33 a month. Every month.

It's an intimidating number. And that's just the rent. A sound system for the kind of place I want could also be very expensive. Oh sure I found one on eBay. The price? $65,000. Used. So you see why this little dream starts to look really distant. I might be able to scale this back a little, but that would defeat the vision that I have in my head. But I'll die trying to make this happen.

Here It Is...

2011-02-07T15:13:00.000-08:00

I swiped this picture off of a celebrity blog, my second favorite actually.

Anyway when I saw the picture I knew immediately. From the outside it looks exactly how I want my place to look. I'll obviously try to make it look less like a gay bar than this one, but you get the idea.

Aside from the gay bull on the front you can imagine what it looks like inside. Kinda run down a little, the kind of place you'd go to have fun. Maybe the bartenders are hot but you can't really explain why. You know what I mean? Well there it is.

I just wish it didn't seem to get more impossible to do this every day.

$100,000!?

2011-02-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

A customer just left here. She's tanning for her wedding in a few days. She casually mentions (she's been dying to tell me) that her parents are "spending $100,000 on my wedding." Because, "I'm the baby."

A $100,000 wedding. Even if you have the money...Why? Whatever. It's their money, and they obviously have it. I could open my bar for $100,000.

Why the sexy bride picture? Because it's my blog that's why.

Dude. You Have an AWESOME Job

2011-02-03T17:54:00.000-08:00

A lot of the guys say that. I smile, and say "Yep!" And most of the time I do. The customers that come in here are usually really friendly, and happy, and smiley, and very, very cute.

But I can't hit on them. I wouldn't hit on them. That would be really bad for business. Some of them are also very young. Even some of the older ones, the ones in their mid to late 20's, are still mentally 17. At best.

Of the 5,000 plus people that have signed up to tan here in the past five years or so, I can count on maybe one hand the number of women that have come in here that I find attractive. Not just physically, there are a lot of physically attractive women that come in here. But I've long since passed the point where that was the most, or only important thing to me. And I wouldn't hit on them. As much as I hate this business lately, I still need it to pay my bills for a while.

Dance Monkey!

2011-02-03T17:01:00.000-08:00

If you're gonna bring a friend in to wait while you tan, please make sure you bring something for him to do.

A book, video game, Sports Illustrated, Hustler or whatever really. By 7 or 8 o'clock I'm tired. I just want the day to end, and I don't want to entertain another person for the next 15 minutes until you're done tanning. Especially someone that's gonna ask me about sports (I can't stand televised sports).

I know that - despite what you're reading here- in general I'm an entertaining, fun guy to be around, and really I am. But by the end of the day I'm worn out from having my "game face" (hey sports!) on all day and I get worn out. And they often take up a lot of space because they're a little embarrassed to be in here, so they do that "cool guy lean" so just leave them at home, or in the car. Just leave the window cracked for them so they get some air.

Uh... Two Feet of Snow Fell Yesterday.

2011-02-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

Remember all that snow? Remember the wind gusts of almost 70 mph? Of course you do. It was yesterday. I know you were so desperate to tan that you thought I should be here, sitting, just waiting for you to show up. All of this despite the fact that the snow was coming down two inches an hour at my house too. Some drifts were so deep, in fact, that it was past my waist.

Yeah and we had no phone, no cable, no internet, nothing.

I do appreciate the fact that you at least called to see if we were open first. It just boggles the mind that you would actually think we were open. They shut down the f-cking airport for God's sake.

God you f-cking people suck.

New Business News

2011-01-24T15:10:00.001-08:00

Well, I have some news but I don't have time right now. Maybe tomorrow. Sorry.

Take It Easy!

2011-01-21T13:21:00.000-08:00

Man. I know they say a firm handshake is important, but this isn't a f-cking contest. Take it easy would ya? Jesus.

Thick Skin or Crazy?

2011-01-21T10:29:00.001-08:00

Having owned 3 businesses now, and hoping soon to move onto a fourth I've noticed something about myself. I like the interaction with people, I like being around people, and being the center of attention. Of course I've always sort of been that way, that's probably why I own businesses instead of working for others. But after all the hassles, and the headaches, and the dealing with the 15% of people that make life miserable for everyone, I've started to worry that it's making me a little crazy. Seriously.

I don't know how to fix this. Is this what happens to business owners? Does it evolve over time? Is it from dealing with the public, or having employees? I like people in general, I really do. But I like them even more when they do what I say. It sounds crazy right?

Do all business owners, CEO's, and managers get like this? Do you just get so used to people doing what you tell them that you just expect it from everyone? Or is the pressure, and the stress causing it? You wouldn't think tanning would be all that stressful, and really it isn't. The act of tanning itself isn't stressful, but owning the business can be. I have to find a way to switch this off. There must be a way. Hey I'm even gonna give myself the "Asshole" tag.

Recognizing the problem is the first step right? I don't mean crazy in the sense like I'm seeing things, or hallucinating or anything nutso like that. But I find myself talking to people, like customers for instance, and seeing them only as customers. Objects. Give me your money, tan, and get out. I don't think about them at all once they walk out the door. Not one iota. You might think that sounds normal, but we're a customer-centric kinda business. There are people that have been coming here since the day we opened so I've literally known them for years. How come I don't care about them? I've become so hard towards people now that I have very little, to no empathy for them.

Not far from here, one customer drunkenly walked in front of a train on the way home from a local bar. C.K. was his name. Obviously he was killed. I liked him. We got along well. He was a straight shooter, an ex-boxer, sort of a rough around the edges kind of guy. You knew what you were getting from him. There was no pretense. If he didn't like you you knew it. Likewise if he liked you, you knew it too. In mobster movies he'd be a "stand up guy". And yet I never think about him until I drive past the makeshift shrine they built for him out of flowers near the spot where he was killed. I suppose it's normal in that instance but it seems to go much deeper than that for me. I don't know.

Maybe I just need a long vacation.

No More Politics.

2011-01-21T10:26:00.000-08:00

No more. I can't talk about them anymore, I can't read about them anymore, I don't wanna debate people anymore, I just can't. At the risk of sounding crazy, I don't care enough about most people to actually give a sh*t what they think. About much of anything to be exact.

Maybe?

2011-01-20T17:46:00.000-08:00

One of the semi-regulars came in today, and brought who I thought was her father. It turns out it was her mothers boyfriend. But whatever. They have money. A lot of money. She (the customer) is going to med school, and she might be staying in "one of their houses in Florida", just to give you an idea.

So one thing leads to another, and the mother's boyfriend asks if we're for sale. How the hell did he know? I've been trying to be careful who I mention this to because I don't want to freak out the customers.

Since you don't really know me I can say without modesty that it's been my belief, the last year and a half or so, that without me, this place would cease to exist. All things being equal, I'm the reason people come here. It's hard to explain. But that's why I've really only mentioned my plans to a very select few. The few people I would actually like to continue being friends with after the inevitable. Oh I may have said..."all businesses are for sale (they always are)", or..."for the right money I'd walk." that sort of thing, but I just assumed that's what people understood about business. It happens all the time. "Under New Management!" You've seen the signs right?

They tried to buy a hair salon but that fell through or something, so they've been looking for something else. Apparently the daughter is trying to talk them into buying the place. She just wants to tan for free, but whatever works I say.

And I made yet another phone call this morning to the landlord of the building I'd like to lease for the bar. It's getting hard to keep all this straight. I hope I'm making the right decisions.

Unfortunately you never know until it's too late.

Wanna Spray Tan Appointment?

2011-01-20T15:24:00.000-08:00

Cool, what time? 7:30? Yeah that'll be a good time actually, the girl is available. But guess what moron? I gotta pay that girl that made a special trip in just to spray you. If you're gonna make an appointment, at least cancel it so I'm not out any money for absolutely no reason. This is a business, and I have more expenses than you can imagine. Having to pay someone for work that won't get done, and then actually not getting paid for that same non-existent work hurts.

Wanna know how it feels? Crumple up a $10 dollar bill and throw it into a sewer. It's exactly the same as you not showing up for an appointment. But don't worry about it, because I'm a millionaire right?

Why the change?

2011-01-20T10:04:00.000-08:00

Remember this lady? She's back. And she's different. Oh she's still smokin' hot physically, but now she's being nice. Really nice. Almost friendly. Maybe I was being unfair? Maybe I just didn't know her. Maybe she's on medication now. Or maybe she wants something. I'm always suspicious of someone that does such a massive turn around.

She can't want something from me I have no money, so I'm not her type. Maybe she wants to buy the salon? She did work for one of the big chains. I doubt it though. That's just wishful thinking on my part.

A New Business?

2011-01-05T09:38:00.000-08:00

For all the talk of July 1st, which may, or may not happen at this point, I have decided what I want to do. Own a bar. I know, I know, that's probably much worse than what I'm doing now. Much worse. But it's what I want. It's something I've wanted to do for a very long time. And despite what probably comes across as my grumpiness with the general public, I actually do like people. And it's something people seem to see me doing. And I feel like this salon is just a stepping stone toward that.

When I leave here today, I'm actually going to call about an empty location for it. We'll see. This is all very preliminary, and may not even be possible. It's going to be very expensive and I would have to get no less than $100,000 for the salon, but that's a long shot. Unfortunately that's money I would need. I've been working on this for a while now and I would like the space to be around 5000 square feet. That would be ideal. I called about a space a week ago, but that one was 10,000 square feet. That's big. Much to big. The entire mall my salon is currently in is probably 10,000 square feet. So at even just 12 a suare foot a space that size would be $12,000 a month. That's a lot of beer.

Anyway I'll call today and see what they say. July is just around the corner so it's time to get moving on this.

Mr. Szczzptzcaysz?

2011-01-04T14:36:00.000-08:00

Hi Euro-Guy how are you? I'm sorry what was your last name again? You know, pronouncing it in your native language only makes matters worse. I'm actually pretty good at remembering names, numbers, or whatever you want.

I can remember an 18 digit credit card number, including the expiration date, and "v-code." Seriously.

But you were only here once before, and it was really busy, so sometimes it doesn't get "imprinted" on my brain. I know it must be aggravating for you to be asked "huh?" every time you say your name, but in my defense, it has, like, 13 consonants in a row, and two of them are z's with a bunch of c's thrown in there for good measure, so cut me a little slack.

And you have an accent. One that's pretty thick, and I don't actually speak Bulgarian, because I didn't think I'd ever have to in the Good Ol' US of A. So be patient with me. I know I'm just a stupid American, but people used to change their name to Smith, or Jones when they hit Ellis Island for a reason.

I Just Ordered Something Online...

2011-01-04T13:10:00.001-08:00

Wow that's really great. I'm glad you saved 10 whole dollars, but guess what dumb ass? We only sell two things here. Tans, and lotion. And when you tell me you ordered something online, as opposed to buying it here, we don't get to stay in business very long and it really pisses me off.

How does this sound? Next time you buy a lotion online, try tanning online too.

Oh, and by the way. That lotion you bought at such a great price? Yeah it isn't manufactured anymore. Even I can't get it, that's why we no longer carry it. So good luck with whatever is in that bottle. I hope that whatever sh-t the Filipinos had laying around and pumped into that bottle doesn't make you break out in hives, or whatever God awful skin rash it might give you.

On second thought, that cheap sh-t wreaks havoc on our acrylics, and those things get real expensive for me real fast, so I hope you do get Ebola or something from it. And when we go out of business because you wanted to save $10, you can take your online lotion, and go spend $28 on a single session at Big Chain Salon.

Asshole.

You're not supposed to be "Black".

2010-12-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been around, but really the day, to day stuff is boring, and for the most part it's the same thing day in, and day out. Ahhh the exciting life of a business owner.

With the holidays coming, and going now it's been kinda busy, so even if I wanted to write something I wouldn't have had time anyway. But we get a lot of requests for spray tans this time of year because, for whatever reason, the holidays really snuck up on everybody this year. Hell New Year's Eve is in two days. I'm still surprised by that.

Well, anyway, I would have thought by now that after being here for five years people would start to get the hang of all this tanning stuff, but guess what?

A lady comes in the other day, and says she wants to get a spray tan. Cool.

"How dark do you wanna be?"

"Dark."

"Well I just got sprayed the other day, do you want to be like me? Or darker?"

"You just got sprayed?! How come you're not black?!"

(Hate, and murder are welling up inside me.)

"Well... I don't get sprayed very dark. I don't want to look like I just got sprayed."

"Oh. Well I want to be darker than that."

"Fine. No problem. It's your money, it's your body. I'll make you blue if you want."

A spray tan, or any tan for that matter isn't supposed to be a life changing event. The best example of how it's supposed to work is something that happened the other day. As the spray tan wears off, my natural skin color (notebook paper) comes through. Well, after a few days of looking like a ghost I got just my face sprayed darker. Just a little bit. That afternoon someone came in and asked me what I had done. Actually she asked me if I'd gotten a facial (!) as if I'm that kinda guy? I guess?

And that's how it's supposed to work. It's exactly like make up. No should notice you're wearing it. Please believe me, if you are a Norwegian blonde one day, and turn up the next looking like a migrant farm worker, people are gonna notice. And not in a good way.

How Do You Get Through The Day?

2010-10-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

Seriously? How do you turn the fan on high?! What the f-ck is wrong with you? You've been coming here for three years and you still don't know how the fans work!? IT'S A FAN. Do you dress yourself in the morning? Do you drive to work? Does your care-taker let you use pointy scissors?

I talked about the radios before, and I kinda get that. In a world with MP3 players, and iPods, etc., I do understand that there might be some people alive today that, as weird as it sounds, may have never seen a portable radio. But we're talking about A FAN here. It's got three buttons. Wouldn't you just push them a couple of times to see what they do? It won't explode. IT'S A FAN. Retards like you are exactly the reason I have set a date of July 1, 2011 to be my last day as a tanning salon owner.

Seriously. Fucking idiot.

I'm Goin'!

2010-09-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

Reverend Horton Heat - November 6th

Mad Sin - November 3rd

Social Distortion - October 20th

While We're on the Subject

2010-08-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

As soon as this show began, I noticed an uptick in our male customers. The show must have made tanning less "gay" to them or something. But if you want some idea of the kinda people that watch this piece of shit show just spend the day in here.

They're meat-heads, bordering on retarded. On a personal level they seem nice enough, But I sometimes catch myself talking to them the way you would talk to a three legged dog. You know what I mean?

"Oh look at the poor doggie!" "Poor baby I hope you're okay now!" You know what I mean?

Ugh. I hope this little pop culture phenomena ends just as quickly as it started.

Who Do You Think You Are?!

2010-08-30T13:59:00.001-07:00

You know, you seemed like a nice kid. You seemed sweet enough, and always friendly. But what the fuck? You come in here SCREAMING at my girls because you don't wanna pay the tax?! On the one day I'm not here too. Imagine that. What is your problem? Are you mentally defective or something? This shouldn't have been news to you as being 15 years old, I'm sure "Jersey Shore" is the height of culture to you. And your hero Snookie is all up in arms over this.

I have to assume the way you were behaving means one of three things.

1. You are young, and think that's the way to get businesses to listen to you (it is not).

2. You are young, and you were trying to impress that piece of shit wigger boyfriend of yours. I am sure he thought you were cool.

3. You are mentally unbalanced, and might fly off the handle and assault me, a customer, or one of the employees for even the most minor misunderstanding.

I'm just gonna be safe and go with number 3 to keep me from getting involved in your eventual mental breakdown.

When you demanded a full refund at the top of your lungs and pronounced that "I'm going to Big Chain Salon", I figured there's really no better place for you because no one comes in here and behaves like that. I didn't invest almost $200,000 dollars, and the last five years of my life to be screamed at by some half witted 15 year old.

Have a nice life.

And when you go to "Big Chain Salon"? Tell them I said hi.

Yeah. It Wasn't My Idea...

2010-08-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

...and I don't like it either. I've never had a new federal law affect me personally, or so directly until now. But the guy you should send your complaints to is at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, not here. This was his bright idea.

It is what it is. And really it's only 10%. As much as it bugs me, it added a whole, whopping dollar to our single session tans. I did my best to keep it inexpensive, and even tried to eat the tax myself so you wouldn't have to pay it. But let's try this mathematically shall we?

To you it's an extra $1. But for me you have to multiply that by 50-80 times on an average day. And that's not including any spray tans, or unlimited months that we sell which could be anywhere from an additional $2, to and extra $6 each. So that can be $60-$150 a day. Every day. I don't know how much money you cheapskates think we bring in here, but that's too much for me to pay.

And you know what really bugs me the most about all of this? I spent at least two months warning everyone that this was gonna happen. I used our website, or Facebook page - Hell, I even had a sign posted in the salon. No one bothered to notice. Frankly a purple alligator could be sleeping in most people's beds and they wouldn't notice, so I guess I don't blame you really.

No, the thing that irritates me the most is that no matter how many times I said this, or how many signs I put up, you decided I was lying, or joking, or just wanted to raise the price, and you didn't listen. But that fat, troll like retard "Snooki" mentions it one time, and it's like Moses preaching you the Gospel. I'm afraid the tax is probably here to stay. And someone has to pay it. Wanna guess who that's gonna be? That's right. You.

How About a Quart of Water With Your 70 Amps?

2010-08-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

Today everybody walks around carrying giant bottles of water, HUGE cans of Monster energy drink, Red Bull, and on, and on...

We must be the most hydrated society in the history of the planet. The one thing that absolutely must stop is bringing that stuff in the tanning rooms with you. I had to put my foot down and started telling people they have to leave it outside, or in the lobby.

First of all, there are health department regulations in Illinois that says no food, or drink is allowed in the salon. Secondly as I've said in the past, tanning beds are really f-cking expensive, and I don't want to be vacuuming Dorito crumbs (seriously) out of my tanning beds. You can't stop shoving crap into your face for 15 minutes?

And third, our biggest tanning beds require 70 amps(!) of electricity at "start up". For the first few milliseconds after you hit the start button it's substantially more. Like upwards of 90 amps. In case you weren't aware, that is what is known in the electrical trade as a sh-t ton. For an example, my mothers entire house is run on 100 amps. So 65- 100mA WILL KILL YOU. That little "m" ,by the way, stands for thousandths. In other words, roughly 1/2 an amp will stop your f-cking heart.

I have a great idea. Why not stand in your shower with a running hairdryer balanced on the edge of the bathtub? Oh and again tanning beds are really expensive, and they are electrical. If you dump your stupid bottle of water into one of my tanning beds, you better hope you get electrocuted. Because if you don't get shocked to death, I'm gonna cut your head off.

Stop at the Bank First Wouldja?

2010-08-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

A $50 bill!? At 10:04 in the morning for a $3 purchase?! I unlocked the door seven minutes ago. Are you a retard or what? This isn't Bank of America lady, gimme a break would ya? I have a grand total of about $60 left in the register when I open in the morning. We're a small business, and I can't have hundreds of dollars in small bills just sitting around.

If I change your $50 now, that means for the next four to six hours I can't make change for anybody. I can't leave to go get that changed at the bank. I know you weren't really thinking but you're not a new customer. It might not be a problem in April, or May, but it's a problem in August.

Let's Play the Waiting Game!

2010-08-23T13:37:00.000-07:00

As I've said, things get reaaalllly slow here in the summer. In fact this August has been slower than most, thanks in part I'm sure to the new "tanning tax" but more on that later. And it gets boring. How many computer generated zombies can you shoot in one day?

Well, of those 25 calls a day that we get, some of them are telemarketers. Mostly they're trying to sell me shitty bulk type lotions. Rio Tanning, OC Tanning, Vegas Tan, and on, and on. The same company can call me three, or four times a week. Sometimes multiple times in one day. I've been asking them to stop calling me for the last five years but they won't.

Before you ask, the "Do Not Call List" doesn't apply to businesses. Our number is on it, and I'm sure it stopped some calls, but telemarketers, and their employers are a different, far stupider breed I guess. Why waste the time it takes to call someone, that so obviously doesn't want to be bothered? Like I suddenly had a change of heart and wanted to start buying crap from random strangers that call me on the phone?

So I got tired of being aggravated, and decided to take a more proactive approach to my little problem. When a telemarketer calls, I simply put them on hold. I don't actually use the hold function, I just say, "Hey I'm kinda busy can you hold on for a sec?", and I set the phone aside. I pick up the phone every 30 seconds or so, and say "Hey are you still there?" When they say "Yep!" I tell them, "hang on I swear I'm gettin' there!" and then I set the phone down again. I can usually keep them going for a while. My record is 12 minutes before they finally hung up.

Don't worry our caller ID flashes when the other line rings so I don't miss calls.

The same goes for sales people that call to schedule appointments. If a credit card processor calls and says they can save us money, I let them make the appointment. The conversation usually goes like this...

Them: Hello Pasta, do you take credit cards?

Me: Yep!

Them: Well, we'd like to save you substantial money on your credit card processing.

Me: Really!? Wow I'd really like that!

Them: We'll have a representative in your area next Wednesday will you bring your last statement so she/he can look it over?

Me: Sure I want to meet with them!

I gotta be here anyway so if there's nothing going on, and I'm bored, what difference does it make? I'm here, come on in!

I ALWAYS tell the sales-person that I forgot the statement, and ask them to come back, which they almost always do. They aren't gonna save me any money. In fact most credit card processors are a complete rip-off. I got lucky and found a guy, a customer here actually that gave me pretty good rates, and I know it. So I'll stick with them.

Anyway, the salesmen give up eventually. And before you say all of this is mean, you gotta look at it this way. They have been wasting my time for years now. And If I can waste enough of their time. Maybe companies that use telemarketers will rethink their marketing plans. If I could get just 30 businesses to do this, can you imagine the cumulative sales time that would waste?! Hundreds of hours a year.

Don't feel too bad for them though. Once it gets busy again I'll just hang up on them.

HURRR

2010-08-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

Her: "Where have you been, I hardly see you anymore!"
Me: "What do you mean? I'm ALWAYS here."
Her: "The last couple of times I came you weren't here"
Me: "When was that?"
Her: "Wednesday"
Me: "Cute girl 1 and 2 work Wednesdays, but I'm here every other day."
Her: "Well...I came at like 9:01 on Thursday and you weren't here"
Me: "We close at 9.
Her "Oh"

Remember when I said I didn't actively hate the customers? I was lying.

WHACK JOB ALERT!!

2010-08-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

She just walked in and bought an unlimited month of tanning. And I can tell from the five minutes I talked to her, she's gonna be nothing but trouble. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I can do the math. Earth tone clothing, that aging hippie long hair, Birkenstocks, those wild eyes. And the exasperation. The impatient huffing that they do when they see they have to fill out a form or wait for five minutes. I can spot 'em from a mile away. It's as easy as 2+2=4.

UPDATE! She also drives a Saturn! The prophecy is complete.

UPDATE II! It turns out she was just released from prison for falsifying prescriptions to get drugs. I learned this from one of her "sponsors" at AA. Isn't that just great?

Yes It Works Goddamit

2010-07-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

We opened nearly five years ago. And in that time, almost 200,000 tanning sessions have taken place. And out of aaaaalllllllll those people, guess what? Yep. You're the first one that the beds didn't work on! Isn't that amazing? All of those people gave me money for no good reason. They were completely and totally unsatisfied. Frankly, I don't know how we've managed to stay in business this long.

Sorry. I'm lying. You're a stupid-ass. I've said this before, and I guess I'll have to say it again. Tanning beds aren't "Magic Browning Boxes". It might require more than two, or three sessions. It f-cking works. You have red hair, pale skin, and you're at least 45 years old. It is just not gonna be as easy for you tan. I know it sucks but there it is.

State law forces me to put posters on the wall that say, and I quote..."If you don't tan in the sun, you are unlikely to tan from the use of this product."

I really don't know what else to tell you at this point. Seriously, if you're so unhappy, why in the world do you keep coming back here? If it's just to complain please stop. I don't care enough about you to add whether or not you're getting a tan to the litany of other far more important problems I have.

You Won't Turn Orange!

2010-07-06T08:16:00.001-07:00

The act of tanning doesn't make you orange. I'll say it again. Tanning simply doesn't make people orange. It just doesn't. Unless of course your mom, and dad are naturally orange colored, or there is a history of Rainbow People in your family, or you have a grandparent that came from Orangeland or somewhere like that.

When you see someone that has that orange look, it is the color they turn after a SPRAY TAN. And it's usually after using a "Mystic Tan" machine, or some other automatic spray system. You know, you stand there and the machine automatically sprays you, you have to turn around, lift your arms, etc., etc.

This is the color people turn because Mystic Tan machines suck. The solution they use is terrible, and I guarantee the retards they have working there never clean the spray nozzles, or the tubing that sprays the stuff on.

There is the possibility that you're a red head. Red heads do look a bit red (obviously) to begin with, so I admit the bronzers can make them look orange. But there is a simple fix for this.

The "Clear" solution. Clear solutions don't contain any bronzers, and will only make you as tan, as you would get naturally. Does that make sense? Avoiding the machines is, seriously, the best thing you could do.

And yes I know "it's only $10 on Friday" to do a Mystic Tan at Big Chain Salon, but what if it was only $10 and you would turn blue? Would you still do it? Knock yourself out because in reality it ultimately makes THEM look bad.

Why Won't My Legs Get Tan?!

2010-06-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know. Why? Is this a trick question? Am I a dermatologist? You're right though you look nice and tan, but you're legs are still white as ghosts. But I don't have an answer for everything.

Maybe you're a freak.

Legs and faces DO tend to be more difficult to tan, because they tend to be more lean. There's less fat there, and tanning is tied in with the amount of fat in your body, and the pH of your your blood. I know it sounds totally made up but it's true. That's why your stomach always gets so dark so fast. Even if your really thin, there's still a lot of fat cells in your abdominal area, simply because it's such a big area so that's why it's so "black".

Maybe you're getting older. Your skin loses elasticity, and the ability to repair itself over time. That's why you get wrinkles. The body is less interested in protecting itself now, than it was 25 years ago. Or maybe you have bad circulation. Are you diabetic? Diabetics lose there legs because their circulation is so poor. But I offered a partial solution. They make lotions designed just for legs because they are notoriously difficult to tan. A sample is a whopping $3.26 and guess what?

You passed. Why? Because you're a cheapskate, and you probably need something to bitch about. So what can I say? Wear long pants I guess. Besides your like 60 years old. No one is looking at your legs anymore.

I Don't Understand What You Want!

2010-06-24T10:16:00.001-07:00

"Can I have a stronger bed? The one I was using isn't doing anything", said the piece of burned bacon leather.

"But you look tan. It's doing something."

"I was out fishing all day yesterday."

This goes on, and on, time and again. 20 times a week at least. What the f-ck does this mean? What is it that you people want?

God I cannot WAIT to get rid of this place.

Got a tanning question?

2010-06-18T10:49:00.001-07:00

Just ask me. Throughout the day I have conversations with people about tanning all the time. It's beyond ridiculous, and I think it's really a stupid conversation to have.

It just seems so... superficial? I don't know, it's a very weird business.

But I keep getting these strange questions, "Can I shower afterward?" "Can I get a facial/waxed?" And they usually have an answer. But it's a weird made up sounding answer. And I found out why.

Some people are getting their information from the retards they hire at the Big Chain Salon. And really, retard is being generous. Oh sure they usually look good, if they're your type. They aren't mine. As far as I'm concerned I'd take a girl with a kick-ass sense of humor over some bleached blonde party girl any day of the week. But that's a different post.

So what it boils down too is this...

A. Do you want to listen to the guy that literally built this place from the ground up, with his own two hands, deals with the suppliers every day, researched, and bought the tanning beds, repairs the beds, and is here virtually everyday?

OR...

B. Do you want information from the bleached blonde party girl (Oh but she took an eight hour course about how to sell lotions!) that's gonna spend her weekend at Crobar getting roofies slipped into her drink?

I know which one I'd pick. And frankly if you answered "B" I'd really rather not have to deal with you anyway.

Why Would You Steal That?

2010-06-18T10:04:00.001-07:00

Having worked as a locksmith in a past life, I can tell you that some people can, and will steal anything that isn't nailed down. But once I opened this place I figured that would stop. Averaging 1,500 pounds you can't just walk off with a tanning bed.

And aside from the lotions we sell, there really isn't too much stuff of any real value in here worth stealing. But they manage. Here's a baffling list.

If you've ever tanned in a bed, chances are you've seen the little "This Bed Has Been Sanitized" signs. No biggie right? Those f-ckers are $15 each. And I have to buy them eight at a time. So quit taking them! What kind of souvenir is that anyway?

You know those little bamboo good luck plants? Yep they swiped that too. I have no idea how they got it out of here, as you can only walk out the front passed the counter, and it wasn't exactly tiny. I can only hope they put it in a purse, or bag because it was filled with little rocks, and A LOT of water. It would serve them right.

That little squeezy think that the toilet paper hangs on? Oh they left the toilet paper though. This time. I bought a new one at the hardware store for like, $1.50. Why would you steal that?

Toilet paper obviously.

Since I'm here constantly I have a toothbrush, and mouth wash stashed in the bathroom. Guess what? Yeah they took that too. The mouthwash I kinda get I guess, but a toothbrush? Even if you needed one to brush your dog's teeth or something, wouldn't you just go to the Dollar Store?

We have baby wipes in all of the rooms, so girls can take of make up and stuff. But instead of taking the whole plastic refillable container, they take all of the wipes. The thing is, they're soaked in alcohol (I guess) so where do they put them? I hope next to their cellphone, or address book or something.

Toilet paper.

They have managed to swipe lotions, but some of those get to be real expensive real fast so I've manged to stop that by putting only EMPTY bottles on display.

Are these things souvenirs? I just can't imagine why they sometimes take, what they take.

How 'bout a Spray tan?

2010-06-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

We don't do spray on tans the way other places do. It's done with an airbrush. It's just like painting a car. I hate to describe it like that, but there it is.

So it looks 100 times better than the automatic spray machines, you know the one where you stand there and a machine sprays you? It's better, but a little more weird for some people. Obviously.

What that means is, you have to decide if you want to be nude, wearing a bikini, or just bottoms. Because it's gonna be a human being "painting" you. There are two girls here that are perfectly capable of spraying customers, and frankly they do a better job than me, I'm not terribly patient when it comes to doing stuff like that, and it's usually more comfortable for most of the women that come in here.

Also if you are under 18 there isn't a chance in the world I'm gonna do it. I don't care if your mother, and father are here, and the spray room door is open, and, and, and... just forget it. Come back on the day you turn 18, and I'll make you any color you want.

Having said all of that, it never ceases to amaze me how many women will come in here to get sprayed and are willing to stand naked in front of me. I won't lie to you. Sometimes it's pretty awesome. On the other hand I'm working, and my mind is so focused on what I'm doing that I don't really notice much. In fact one girl was upset because I didn't notice her new tattoo.

They must trust me. I mean there really is no reason for them not to trust me. As much as I'm starting to dislike what I do, sometimes it's a pretty cool job.

And you gotta believe me when I tell you that you really don't want to see most people naked.

Why Are You Calling ME?!?!

2010-06-15T18:12:00.000-07:00

We're a tanning salon for God's sake. What IS the big deal? Stop in, get a tan, leave.

I -easily- get 25 phone calls a day. No we don't take appointments (for the 3rd time). The store hours are in big white letters on the door you went through yesterday, and every day before that for the last two weeks. In fact you called and asked what our hours were TWO DAYS AGO.

The hours we are open are on our website, on the card you took and put in that suitcase you call a purse, they're even on our Facebook page. Short of tattooing them on your forehead, what else can I do?

And I know it's smart to call ahead, but calling and asking if it's busy, or if there's a long wait, doesn't mean there won't be a long wait, or that it won't be busy when you show up an hour later. And no, that IS NOT an appointment. By the time you got here, I already forgotten I talked to you. You could have told me you were my long lost sister, and I wouldn't have remembered.

You know what helps with the crowds? SKIPPING A DAY here and there. Shit. I know you paid $39.00 for an unlimited month of tanning, but Jesus H Tap Dancing Christ. Give it a rest every two days or so. And getting aggravated at me because four people showed up before you doesn't help.

I know you think there's a bed being kept open, and unused with the hopes that you'll grace us with your presence, but I need more than one cheapskate customer to stay in business.

Well Here We Go

2010-05-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

I've had it. Starting this little blog probably wasn't such a good idea, as I could now dwell repeatedly on the various problems that every business owner runs into. But I can tell you that I have actively begun to dislike the customers. And not just the 15% that make everyone's life miserable, that I was originally gonna write about.

But almost all of them.

It hasn't really reached the hate level yet, but if it continues at this rate, it won't be long.

I realize that selling a tanning salon will be no easy task. In fact, it may be next to impossible. But I'm going to try like Hell. I'll move on to other things, like I always do. But whatever it is, it WILL NOT be a business with an 85% female between the ages of 17-25 clientele.

This is not a sudden revelation. But something that has happened over the previous months. I am fed up, bored, and have decided to try new things.

GAH IT'S BUSY!

2010-04-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything, and boy do I have stuff to write, because it's so busy around here.

This is the time of year when people think they really need to tan and it seems like the entire planet realizes it all at once. We'll go from 40-60 customers a day, to 100-150 a day. I'm not even counting prom season yet!

But this is when you get the good stories. So I'll be around. Bear with me.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2010-03-13T16:34:00.001-08:00

It's like New Year's Eve for assholes.

So I Probably Lost a Customer

2010-03-09T12:59:00.000-08:00

We are a small place, eight total tanning beds, and a room dedicated for airbrushing fake tans on people (Ooooh! a different post!) . But it's MY place. It's not a chain like most of the places in the area. But, I admit that can lead to a few problems.

First is the limited options it can give some people. Especially the "professional tanners" as I call them. They want to know where the bed was made, who made it, lamps, hours, and on, and on.... a little knowledge is a dangerous thing for them. But it sure makes them look smart! Just come in and get fucking tan would you?! Jesus.

But there is one thing most people don't realize...

TANNING BEDS ARE REALLY, REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

So when I opened this place, it was with the idea that we would soon be out of business, pessimistic I know but that's life in the small business world. So instead of spending $50,000 - no that's not a typo, on one tanning bed, I bought six smaller ones, and left myself the option of buying more expensive ones later. And I did buy two of the more expensive types. Eventually.

Anyway a lady comes in with her daughter for the second time. And they both want to do one of the more expensive beds. Fine. No problem. But "Leather Bag" doesn't want to do the same one she did before. Nothing specific, she "Just didn't like it last time". Too noisy, to big, to something.

Me: Okay, well you can have any one of the other seven.
Leather Bag: Which ones?
Me: Well... There's the Level 2's, The level One's, The Stand Up...
Leather Bag: Are they any good?
Me: No. I only bought crappy beds.
Leather Bag: She just stares at me.

I purchased the beds we have after spying on some of the chain places, and seeing what they used. SO I BOUGHT IDENTICAL EQUIPMENT! It's exactly the same.

I bristle at that question. And on this day she just happened to be the one that asked it. Of course it's a "good bed". It damages your skin just as badly as the others, it just doesn't look as imposing, or admittedly, as impressive. But the effect is exactly the same.

It's that time of year when it gets really super busy in here. And I have to answer the same question 100 times a day to 100 different people. And being asked if our beds are any good - in that nasty, passive aggressive kind of way only a woman can manage, really pisses me off. And this time I just snapped. I didn't yell or anything, but the smart ass in me just came out.

I probably been more diplomatic about it, but, whatever. I'll try to stay open another five years without her $10.

Tomorrow Night!

2010-03-05T11:38:00.000-08:00

...and it's gonna be awesome.

And they were.

PARTY COW!!!1!!!1!!!

2010-02-27T10:48:00.000-08:00

Party Cow likes to party.

Why Do You Bring Your Kid In Here?!

2010-02-26T09:50:00.001-08:00

No not your 13 year old that's lost in some ridiculous PSP (or whatever it's called) game. Not even some eight eight year old that can watch cartoons or something. But a toddler! Is that what it's called? It can walk, mumble, throw shit, and scream and cry. So that must be what it is. I fucking hate kids. Yes, even your special little angel. I can't stand even the sight of it. I have ZERO paternal instincts, and even less patience. I can appreciate that you brought your friend with you so you can each divide the "watching" duties while you're each tanning, but give me a break would you?

You know that fire extinguisher that's hanging on the wall it's fucking with every time you look down at your magazine? It weighs about 35 pounds, and it's barely hanging there. Yeah, well it's gonna fall on your little mutant human and crush it's feet/hands/head. And it keeps tugging at those water cooler handles, and they're either gonna break off and you're gonna buy me a new one, or it's gonna manage, somehow, to tip that 95 pound machine on top of itself and they'll be carrying this miniature pain in the ass off in an ambulance.

Why don't one of you morons stay home while the other tans, and then trade off? Today isn't too terribly bad because we're the only three people in here right now. But when you bring this mewling piece of shit in here it drives me nuts.

It must be very difficult to have kids. THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE/WANT ANY! And I wish you wouldn't foist yours on me, or my business.

I'm Gonna Have Your Ass Towed!

2010-02-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

We are two doors down from an AA meeting place. They don't bother most people to much, and being close to a place where people with addictive personalities congregate can have its upside for me (Think "Tanorexia"). But every six weeks or so they get a new batch of DUIs that have to show up for court appointed counseling, or whatever they do in there. And since we're on a really busy street, and have the only private parking on this entire block they think it's okay to park here.

Well guess what, drunk/crackhead/junkie? There are only 24 spaces in the whole lot. So while you don't see what the big deal is, when five or six of you idiots show up, you're taking parking spaces away from my customers. And I'm already fighting with the restaurant for the two hours a day when they're really busy. And if my customers can't come in here they won't spend any money and then I have a problem.

I've been fighting the urge to tow somebody again, but the last time I did it, it seemed to drive the point home with a lot of you selfish morons. I felt a little bad about it for a while. It must suck getting handed a $175.00 tow bill after begging for a ride from someone, to that shit hole that is Cicero, Illinois where the tow yard is, but I got over it, and I might have to start doing it again. And I have been trying to be nice about it, you know telling you, "you can't park here", and all of that, but some of you are Jones-ing for whatever your recreational drug of choice is, and I'm sick of the confrontations. Plus it's gonna get really, really busy in here any day. It happens just that fast too. We'll go from 50-70 people a day in here, to 125-150 a day almost literally overnight. Where are we supposed to put all of their cars? If you don't get the hint soon, it's gonna suck to be you. Even more than usual I mean.

You've been warned.

Guess Who Came in Here To Tan Yesterday

2010-02-20T11:11:00.000-08:00

I get a phone call, "Hey this is Randy Orton" I said Hey! I thought it was a different Randy. "I need your Super-bed I can be there in five minutes". "Okay."I say "But someone's in it right now but I'm sure they'll be done by the time you get here". "Okay I'll be there", he says.

I don't know who Randy Orton is. But he said it with such authority I figured I'd better Google it up. Oh THAT Randy Orton, He's a wrestler. I guess. He shows up and I guess he's a "bad boy(?)" wrestler. But there were a couple of high school sophomore girls here at exactly the same time, and I thought they were gonna shit.

He seemed like a nice enough guy. And he's really tall, like, 6 foot 5 or something. He brought his friend with him. Some dude named Seamus. And we chatted for about 20 minutes before I realized he was a wrestler too. I felt kinda like a dumb-ass. I traded Randy Orton a tan for an autographed picture that I could hang up. I figure it's good advertising. The Seamus guy didn't have a picture with him but he signed a piece of paper for me. He asked who he should make it out to and I said...

"Make it out to Pasta, the coolest guy to ever beat me at wrestling."

He didn't though. Some people have no sense of humor. They said they would be back so that's cool. I'm never very star-struck, but some people are, I think it's a cool thing to be able to say they've been in here.

I saw these guys last week.

2010-02-20T08:37:00.000-08:00

Isn't she HOT

They're called The Creepshow, and they're from Canada (eh?). And they played at the "Subterranean" last week in Chicago. They were awesome. They sounded great live, as in they didn't suck, and it's obvious they sound like they do without a lot of studio trickery like the "Big Names" so obviously use. And the singer is smokin'. And she's really, really tiny. I was surprised at how tiny. She walked by me before I realized who she was and she was at about the middle of my chest at the most. Anyway the music isn't really for everybody because it's borderline punky, fast, and loud sort of music. I was kinda surprised at the mosh pit which I don't do anymore since nearly getting my leg completely shattered in a mosh pit at a Ramones concert, thank you very much.

It's called horror-punk, or horror-pop, but the songs are catchy, and aside from the sometimes sorta dumb lyrics it's a lot of fun and its a really cool place to see a show. But there is one tiny little problem. It's the clothes. And believe me it's not everybody. The girls with all the tattoos, the stiletto heels, the fishnets, and jet black (or especially red!!) hair are all very, very hot.

Imagine Betty Page/40's/retro/borderline fetish thing happening.

Well I like it anyway.

So here is that problem. If you're 5'4" tall, and you weigh 245 pounds it's probably best to avoid this kind of costuming.

Bleached blonde/jet black hair, a bright red polka dot top, high heels, torn pantyhose and porcelain skin look good on the girl in the picture on the left. But it just makes you look like an escaped mental patient. So maybe next time tone it down a little bit would you?

Oh No the Floor is wet?!

2010-02-20T08:21:00.000-08:00

Yeah sorry about that. It snowed 15 inches just last week, and the floor is wet because you waited until you came inside to stomp the snow off of your shoes. Then when you took them off you set them right next to a tanning bed that's been running non-stop all day and is as hot as a standard pizza oven.

I'll mop it up as soon as you leave, but you see, I'm not really supposed to go in the room while you're in there. And you will be like the tenth person to tell me... "Why don't you get rugs for the rooms?" Why? Because at the end of the night I'm stuck cleaning up 10 soaking wet, smelly rugs.

Plus most people can't walk and chew gum at the same time. The last thing I want is someone tripping over a rug and bashing their face into a glass filled tanning bed. I'm waiting to get sued every second of the day as it is, I don't need to worry about that too. Oh and everyone else that comes in will complain that the rug in the room is wet. See how that works? So I'm gonna stick with what's easiest for me. Just keeping this place going is enough of a pain in the ass as it is. Don't believe me? Hand me $250,000 or $300,000 and I'll hand you the keys, and you'll never find me.

He hates me!!! (Boo Hoo.What a Fag)

2010-02-19T11:03:00.000-08:00

When I opened this place, I didn't realize how slow it would get in here at times. Well it does. I could easily go an hour in the summer without seeing a customer, sometimes two. So to pass the time I started going to celebrity gossip sites. You know all Lindsay/Jessica Simpson all the time, that kind of thing. Well a few months ago, one of these sites said Hey! be our fan on Facebook. So I did. The fan page is just like the site. You can read the stories, comment the whole bit.

Well, somewhere along the way I noticed the stories were the same four, or five people all the time. It was *kinda* funny writing so I hung around for a while. Then I started to notice that the commenters would simply copy, and paste a "funny" line or joke from the writers story into their comment and type LOL. You know what I mean? It was lame. Then I noticed most of the stories were lame. Then I decided the whole site was pretty lame. Well anyway, I started commenting, and I worked hard at it. I wanted to out-funny this dimwit, and all of those other brainless commenters. And guess what? I did. But I didn't realize it really until someone friend requested me from the page. And then mentioned they'd e-mailed the writer asking him if he was me.

It turns out that other people were also e-mailing the site to find out if I was the writer of the site. (He's anonymous. But on Facebook your name and picture show up.) So I think people thought I was him trolling his own comment section.

I guess this got his tampon all sideways or something, because he started writing back-handed shit after my comments. And then either him, or his cousin, or little brother, or someone, would start commenting, after MY comments things like..."Everyone hates you Pasta", or "You're not funny and everyone hates you" It was insane, sad, and laughable all at the same time. What a joke, and what a total loser. I don't know why he just didn't ban me outright. Wouldn't that have been easier? I'm still a fan and I show up once in a while just to let him know I'm still around, and to give him grief. But it's still as lame as ever, with new tales (sometimes two!) everyday about Lindsay Lohan. Besides Deceiver.com is where it's at.

These guys are awesome

2010-02-19T09:45:00.000-08:00

If you don't think so, go be gay somewhere else.

WOW! It's been a while.

2010-02-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not updating to everyone that reads this (Santa, Eddie from the mental ward) but honestly I got busy and this blog, God that's a stupid word, just plain got forgotten about. But something happened the other day and I said... Hey! There's something I could pointlessly write about so no one would read it!

Well, I'm going somewhere, and as I'm driving along, I wind up behind this guy with a giant sticker in his back window that says in GIANT words...

A RECKLESSLY DISTRACTED DRIVE ALMOST KILLED ME!

We both wind up in the turn lane and as he leans forward, and looks to his left to look for traffic, I see that he's on his cell phone! HA! I see the perfect opportunity to be a smart ass. So immediately there are train tracks, and thank God a train comes along, so we both get stopped. So I zip around on his left, and do that "roll down your window" motion which I'm surprised people still react too. Do cars even come with window cranks anymore? And what's the deal with these small toilet paper rolls nowadays? Anyway he rolls down his window with the phone still up to his ear. Here's the conversation...

Him: What's up?
Me: Was that recklessly distracted driver you?! (pointing at him)
Him: **Staring at me bewildered**
Me: You know...That recklessly distracted driver? You're on your cellphone, was that you?
Him: I CAN TALK ON THE PHONE! (he's upset, I think)
Me: Yeah but you're recklessly distracted aren't you? You could almost kill somebody!
Him: WELL I'M NOT TEXTING!!
Me: (I actually start laughing) Don't you see any irony in all this?!
Him **staring at me bewildered again**

Maybe he just forgot about the sticker in the window. The train ends and we pull away. He hangs back. WAY back, and I lose sight of him. Hopefully he didn't almost kill someone that day.

THAT'S WHY IT'S LOCKED!

2009-11-28T14:43:00.000-08:00

The back of the store is on an alley and there's a liquor store at the opposite end of the mall. The owner is a really nice guy, but he doesn't really have the "Top Hat Society" for customers. And we are after all a tanning salon, so if you're a black guy, all charges of me being a racist aside, I have to wonder why you're walking in here. And the first thing I tell anyone new when they start working is never open the back door to anyone! EVER.

Well one day I leave it cracked open to let some air in because even during winter it can get really hot in here. And I almost always have a handgun here. Just in case. I mean you never know right? See where this is going? Well one customer of "Al's Liquors" a young black guy, is around all the time. I don't know if he's homeless, or just an alcoholic or whatever but I see him a lot so he isn't unfamiliar to me. I even know his name. Well it's after dark, the back door is cracked open, and I have my back to the lobby when out of the corner of my eye I see a figure on my left that obviously came in through the back door. And he's black. So I swing around, and reach for the pistol. It's a double-action .45, made by Taurus, in case you were wondering. And in a split second I realized it was him. He just came in to say hi. I still see him around occasionally, and I never told him how close he came to getting killed that night.

Are we doing the right thing?

2009-11-28T14:18:00.000-08:00

Well are we? I'm never sure if what we're doing is right. Do we charge enough (we don't)? Are they the right kind of beds? Do people like us? I never really know. People that like your business will tell a friend about you. People that don't like your business will tell 20. And so in one of my fits of feeling completely incompetent, and totally lost when no one is in here buying stuff - I never, ever tell anyone I feel like that by the way, I left Cute Girl 1 in charge and ran some errands. On the way I drove by a competitor that had opened about two miles away. And it looked dark in there. Really dark. And I thought they'd closed up because it was so dark. I've been trying to run them out of town for over a year now, and frankly they're pissing me off (If you aren't ready to kill, or be killed don't start a business).

Anyway I did my errands and on the way back I drove by them again. I had to, and besides I wanted to know if they were open, or closed. Well they were in fact open because I saw someone's head sticking up from behind the counter. The lack of cars in front of their store didn't help. So I was a little disappointed because really, if they go maybe we can add a second location. Fingers crossed! So I get back to our store and it's jammed! Every bed is going, people are waiting, and they're sill coming! Awesome. Sometimes I guess we are doing it right. Until I wonder again next week.

Business 101

2009-11-28T11:40:00.000-08:00

Nope. I never graduated from college. I never attended the Kellogg School of Management, and I never so much as went to a community college. Actually I think you have to graduate from high school first, but that's a totally different story.

Anyway there isn't much you can tell me that I haven't already experienced either from owning this business, businesses in the past, or simply by existing. Gee do you really think I should put a sign out next to the road to tell people we're here? I would never have thought of that. Oh wait. I did. There's a city ordinance against doing just that, so I won't be doing that again. Some people will walk through our door everyday for weeks at a time and still ask me what time we close. Despite the fact that our hours are posted on that same door in 3" vinyl letters. If they can walk past those without seeing them, do you really think they're gonna see a sign they might fly past at 40mph? We have been open for almost five years now, so while I'll nod, and agree that... "Hey that's a great idea!" ... I'll be totally humoring you.

Mailers work? Huh. I never would have gue- Oh wait I tried that too. It doesn't. We mailed out 15,000 coupons three times in one year. It cost us like $1800.00 and guess how many we got back. Go ahead guess. That's right. Two. And neither one of those people spent $1800 in here. In fact I've never seen either person again.

And yeah I think it would be an awesome idea to buy an "XXL Kiwi King" by Soltron, and I will if you feel like lending me the $50,000+ to buy it. Oh and the $35.00 per 12 minute session charge, you'll totally do that at least twice a week to justify the expense right? Right? And so will at least 20 of your friends? I hope so because there's a lot I could do with an extra $50,000. I can appreciate you trying to help. Your advice won't go unheeded.

No that's wrong it will because you have no idea what you're talking about.

Sorry...

2009-11-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

It's been light on the stories but it's still kinda slow. It was actually scary slow for a while, but things are picking up so I'm sure the 15% of the population that makes life miserable for the rest of us will be in fine form soon.

You Aren't Good Looking Enough...

2009-11-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

to be as much of a jerk that you are. I know you're attractive physically. In fact the first time I saw you my initial reaction was "Holy -". Bikini model body, the best fake boobs money could buy always dressed nicely. You know the kind. She looks exactly like one of those girls you might see in a trendy nightclub. Even at 11am on a Tuesday. But then you ruin it all by talking. Jesus what an asshole. I can't imagine what it's like to live with you.

Imagine her, better looking, and also The World's Biggest Asshole.

You are constantly bitching about having to wait, about the cost, or about whatever your miserable life throws at you today. And you're kinda mean too. What a fucking Prima Donna. Really, you went from being someone I thought I could hold up as the kind of upscale clientele that we appeal to, to the ugliest woman I have ever met. For real. The only upside is that I know you are the one that has to get up everyday, and see your own miserable face in the mirror.

The really, really bad part though, is that your 17 year old daughter (yep she's 41 but she could pass for 31) is taking after you. Probably thinking you're cool or something. And I don't mean kinda I mean exactly like you. The downside for her is, the poor kid is, somehow, kinda homely. So not one single, solitary guy is gonna put up with it. Unlike the ones that might put up with you because of your physical attributes. But she'll be alone collecting cats, and Hummel Figurines by the time shes 26. At least she'll know who to blame when she's in therapy.

UPDATE 11/28! She was here today, and a bigger jerk than usual.

I will see this

2009-11-05T10:48:00.000-08:00

UPDATE! Or I would if it ever came out. The video doesn't work anymore. I guess it sucks to get totally free advertising.

I already told you once

2009-11-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

I told you you can't use that lotion in here. It's a pump. You know the kind. The kind you spray on? It's a pump so you can spray parts of you, you couldn't otherwise reach I guess. Plus, you moron, it's got an SPF of eight. EIGHT! The SPF stands for Sun Protection Factor. Each number increases the amount of time you can spend in the Sun without burning. SPF1 means one hour, SPF2 means two hours and so on. Why in God's name would you pay money to go tanning, only to slather yourself in sunblock?! Doesn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose? Here's an idea, next time just come in, hand me some money, and then walk out. It's the exact same thing except you save yourself the hassle of getting undressed and stuff.

The chemicals that make up the SPF damage our beds! Our very, very expensive beds. When I saw you had it the first time I told you you couldn't use it here for that very reason. Fine you said. Oh of course you were all miffed, and irritated but you tanned anyway. Then you came back today and thought you were being sneaky and sneaked it in in your purse. Well guess what genius, IT'S GOT A PUMP! It was all over the wall, the bed top, and the floor. Thanks by the way because without seeing it I almost broke my neck because once it hits the floor it's like walking on an ice skating rink. So thanks for thinking I'm a complete idiot and I would somehow miss this.

So as much as I hate to do this I'm gonna kick your ass out of here for good. We'll try to stay open for business another five years without your $12.

I'm such a loser

2009-11-02T14:56:00.001-08:00

For like the tenth time I actually went to Urban Dictionary to look up the meaning of a word that I didn't understand.

23 Skidoo!

I'll pass

2009-11-02T13:16:00.001-08:00

Not on your life. I saw the five minute preview, or whatever it was the other day. Why? Why would anyone watch this ridiculous, and totally unnecessary remake? Aside from the occasional stupid looking sixties haircut/pair of striped pants the original show is perfect, and really hardly looks at all dated. Okay all of the computers, phones, and tape recorders are HUGE and yes the ending is beyond terrible, but aside from that it's awesome. It's one of only two television series I bought on DVD.

Immediately in the preview I noticed "Him" apparently helping someone. WRONG! Way to miss the entire point of the original series assholes. And I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this woman (and child) that he helps, at some point becomes his love interest/instant family. In case I'm a total retard, I had always assumed the original was about the individual. The "Lone Wolf" as it were. At no point in the original series do I remember Number 6 assisting anybody but himself. I admit I haven't watched any of it in a long time, but again isn't that the whole point of the show?

"Oh but it looks so good!" Save it. So what? I don't know I'm so irritated, and pissed off about this I'll have to get some kind of cogent line of thought together and update this when I do.

Thanks for pissing all over Patrick McGoohan's grave AMC.

By the way. I don't give a shit why you like the new one. If anyone bothers to ever read this, I fucking hate it without ever seeing it. Period. So save your chubby, stubby little fingers and don't bother defending it. Try watching the original series first and you'll be absolutely amazed at how fast you're going to agree with me. And I hate to sound like an elitist tool, but if you watch the first one, and don't "get it"? Yeah we can't be friends.

GAAAAAHHHHHH!

2009-10-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

We can't make him look like them

I know you've been here two whole times. I know you've now tanned in a bed a total of 30 minutes in the past six months now. Yeah I know you're not tan yet. Guess what? You looked like Edgar Winter's pale younger brother when you first walked in here. You might have to go a few more times. Yes, yes I know the wedding is in three days, but you should've been in here two weeks ago. And you know what? you might have to spend a little extra money on a stronger bed. I know, I know you get tan "in like 2 minutes outside"! Well you're not outside. Next time don't wait until the last minute.

Kind of a big deal.

2009-10-17T11:26:00.001-07:00

Well to me at least. We are located relatively close to a major concert arena. So every once in a while we'll get a celebrity type in here. Well this time they weren't really the celebrities so much, but this particular celebrity's back up dancers. Actually this was the second time they were in here to get a spray on tan. Because we don't use those awful automatic spray machines that I don't want to name so no one feels bad about spending $30,000+ on these awful things (Hint: they're called Mystic), we tend to get a more "upscale" spray tanner. Also more adult because you're sprayed by someone. Usually naked. You, not the person spraying.

Anyway, they came back a third time! Big deal right? No not that. The fact that "BIG TIME CELEBRITY'S" make up artist said it was the best spray tan she'd ever seen. That is really saying something. Especially since presumably the make up artist can do it for them . I was flattered to say the least. Hopefully word will get around.

Stop being a creep!

2009-10-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

You're making the girls uncomfortable. Yes they're young. Yes they're hot. Yes they're personable, and smart. I hired them for those reasons. But they think you're "a creepo". Besides, they're MY girls, and frankly I feel a little protective. They don't want to date you. You're old enough to be their father. At least. Even I think you're a little weird. I can't imagine what it'd be like to be hit on by you.

Oh and remember that time you brought in that woman you were cheating on your wife with? Remember I met her? And I imagine she's actually better looking than your wife, right? Yeah the girls that work here are WAAAY out of your league anyway. So by all means keep coming in. Just stop hitting on the girls.

Hey Pasta! How do you work the radio in here?

2009-10-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

Really? How do you work the radio?? Radio technology has changed very little in the last 100 years or so.

1. Power on.

2. Choose AM or FM

3. Choose station.

4. Enjoy the sound that comes out of speakers.

Dumb-ass

What are you doing in there !?

2009-10-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks but I don't need a new window in that wall. And you know that tanning bed you were just lying in? Yeah that thing costs like $25,000. So while you can borrow it for the next fifteen minutes or so, DON'T FUCKING BREAK IT ASSHOLE!

Get undressed, lay in the bed, tan, get dressed get the fuck out! What's the matter with you people?

Oh. And those doors? They slide open, and closed. You had to slide it closed to close it, why are you trying to swing it open? You're gonna knock that whole collapsible wall down! I know you think you're so hot I want to keep you prisoner. Well guess what? You aren't, and I don't. I'd have to feed you. A lot apparently. And I don't want that.

What I did yesterday

2009-08-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

Hearing comes back doesn't it? Will this whistling never stop? Why did so many of the guys that were there have beer bellies? Will no one answer these questions?

Remembering Ted Kennedy

2009-08-29T12:01:00.001-07:00

click make larger

PLAY ME!

2009-08-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Click here to play this game

Cool

2009-08-17T16:39:00.001-07:00

Uh Oh

2009-08-15T08:08:00.000-07:00

Here she comes. She lived around the corner from me so I recognize her. She would be out there everyday cutting her lawn with pinking shears. But she wasn't eccentric or anything. She was a nut. A hoarder, collecting garbage furniture, and maybe border line dangerous, who knows? Her family, combined with the city had her forcibly evicted, and then committed to some place for nut-jobs, or the story goes.

You just KNOW she really hates George Bush

Anyway, they must've been hosing out her cage or something, because she stormed into the store carrying a bunch of crab apples and sticks wanting to know what we do.

Crazy: What is this place?
Me: A tanning salon.
Crazy: You mean with those machines?
Me: Yep! (I knew where this was going)
Crazy: I thought this was illegal?

Now I'm Scratching me chin, looking thoughtful. Might as well f-ck with her

Me: No not last time I checked, I mean here we are.
(Uh oh she saw the news.)

Crazy: YOU KNOW YOU'RE KILLING PEOPLE! GIVING THEM CANCER!!

DIDN'T YOU SEE THE NEWS REPORTS??!!

WHAT A WORLD WE LIVE IN!!

Me: So you don't wanna tan then?

Crazy: NO AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!

Me: Obviously not.

Luckily no one else was here. She drops her little apples, scoops them up and then turns to storm out. I just let her speak her piece, and hopefully let her get it out of her system. She looks kind of normal, but has those eyes like in the picture above. Sort of a deer in the headlights look. Don't they all? She's half my size so I'm pretty sure I could take her.

Seperated at Birth?

2009-08-14T11:22:00.001-07:00

I can never tell. Is that racist?

Last Minute Guy

2009-08-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

We close at 10 o'clock. Everyday. The closing time never changes really. Even in July when it's 87 degrees at 9:30 and the Sun has been down for a half an hour and there's been exactly two people in here since 6:30 pm on a Friday night.

So why are you here at five minutes to 10, and why do you want to tan for 20 minutes? This isn't the first time you've done this. And I know you're self employed and work out of your house so it's not like you were running late because you were rescuing puppies, and kitties from burning buildings. This is what makes you feel like a man? Trying to push around small business owners?

Because we're an independent place (read: small) and I like to please customers, I think some people perceive this as some kind of weakness. Like I'm so desperate for customers, and your $6 or we might go out of business? Or that because you're the customer, you're always right? I've allowed this to happen a couple of times because that's what I do. Put your thumb and index fingers together. Now separate them by about 1/8th of an inch. You see that space? That's exactly how close you are to being banned from here. And then we'll see how many times you pull that crap at "BIG TANNING CHAIN". Believe me if you show up to tan ten minutes before they close, that Blonde Eurotrash girl will start your bed. But she'll also kill it from the front desk at 9:59:59, and you'll be lucky to get out the door with your shirt on before you're locked in.

And no for the last time. We don't have "freebie lotion samples", and yes I had to raise the price of tans by a whole $1. You see the electric company wants their money every month like clockwork. And all those lotions you see on the shelf behind me? Yeah I had to pay for those. I'm well aware of the fact that I didn't pay $46 for that $46 bottle of lotion. I paid less. A lot less. But you see, that's how we stay in business, and that's how I pay my mortgage. If I pay a dollar for something, and then sell it to you for a dollar where is the incentive for me? I guess I don't blame you for asking, but by the third time it gets insulting, and makes you look like a cheap asshole.

Of course you're here five minutes before we close because you know you're such an awesome customer. Surprise ladies, and gentleman you might think you're a good customer, but you aren't. Wanna know what makes someone a good customer? THEY SPEND LOTS OF MONEY. That's all there is too it. If you're gonna drop a couple o' hundred a month in here every month, I'll let you slap me in the mouth on the way out everyday. But $3 or $4 every five or six days doesn't get you special treatment.

Who gets special treatment? The guy who just paid $3 to tan? Or the girl that bought eye wear, a $60 lotion, and three spray tans last month plus has been paying for tanning every month out of the last six? Take a guess, go ahead I'll sit and wait.

Right! The second one!

Save your sanctimony. The customer isn't always right. Some people are just begging to get kicked in the balls. In fact you'll be lucky if I ban you instead of doing just that.

Huh?

2009-08-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

Someone want to explain this to me?

1. It's cold, the water's cold.

2. That greenhorn is an idiot.

3. Boy this job sure is dangerous!

4. Look how much money I make!

If you like this show you're a retard.

Can I have my Discovery Channel back please? Without the fisherman, the Truck Drivers on Ice, and the lumberjacks? I guess it would be easy to ignore if these shows weren't the only ones they ever seem to show anymore. Isn't that what TLC is for?

A New Customer!

2009-08-10T09:53:00.000-07:00

He was average looking, just another guy "looking to get a base tan before going too..." wherever. Nothing unusual so far, and he seems nice enough but he sort of raised a red flag almost immediately. Nothing I could put my finger on, just one of those feelings you get. We do get a lot of girls in here, all between the ages of 17-30, and almost all of them are very good looking. So when a guy walks in that puts out that creepy vibe I try to keep an eye on him.

kinda like this but happier!

So he comes a few times always riding his bicycle, always friendly, but then I catch him once in a while leering at some of the girls. Still, no big deal it happens, and they usually are good looking, so who could blame him? But any guy that actively started to hit on the customers, especially the younger ones would be heaved immediately. Anyway one day he hands me a wad of cash. A tip he says. I refuse it but he gets all bent out of shape over this perceived snub, and I grudgingly take it. So now I'm indebted to this guy right? "But I'm such a big tipper!"* I can hear it now.

Well, a few weeks go by, he comes every other day or so, uneventfully and then one day he's acting kinda weird. He's always chatty, and boisterous, and he's probably the fun guy at a party for an hour or two. Just before you want to punch him in the face. It was busy. People were waiting to tan in whatever bed they were waiting for, the music is a little loud, people are talking, and he's stalking the room. Some poor kid (a guy) falls into the trap of talking to him. I thought they were friends at first. Anyway, he (creepy guy) disappears outside, and I realize he's been doing this for a while. What the Hell is he doing? He's drinking! He's been here about 20 minutes at this point. And finally I catch on. He's getting drunk. At a tanning salon. On a Wednesday.

Whatever I say. He's okay so far and he's *a good tipper (see?) So now I want to get him in, and out as fast as possible. He's getting drunker by the minute, seemingly through osmosis or something. Just existing is making him drunk. At this point I should have called the cops. But I didn't. So as more girls come and go he starts to get more, and more brave. Finally "O" comes in. She's very cute, very sweet, and kinda street smart, and he's asking me about tanning lotions. Which one is the best, which is the most expensive because didn't I tell you? "I'm rich, and an airline pilot." Now that "O" is here he is anyway.

She catches on. And she is a big spender, and since he's trying like Hell to impress her he buys the $75 bottle of top shelf stuff. The stuff she convinced him to buy (Thanks O!). She isn't impressed. So finally after he's done impressing the Hell out of everyone I get him to tan. "Give me the best bed you got!" "I wanna be dark! Help me out!" He's drunk and beginning to piss me off and he's been here now for at least an hour and a half, and I am getting ready to call the cops. I've been avoiding doing this because over all he really does seem like a nice enough guy, but oh. Didn't I tell you? He just spent the last 10 months in prison! So I'm trying to cut the guy a break and not get him hauled off to whatever concrete Hell hole he just got out of because he decided to drink a little. On a Wednesday. At a tanning salon.

It's getting near closing time now, and it's just him and me in here. My paranoia starts to kick in and I figure he's waiting for everyone to leave so he can do whatever un-Godly thing he wants. You know since he's a friggin' criminal and everything. Well he's officially passed out so suddenly, I'm not feeling so threatened. And I hear him start to yell... "HEY P.A.S.T.A. WHEN IS THIS THING GONNA START!!" (he spells my name rather than say it) Hey genius it's over. You passed out. "I WANNA GO AGAIN!!" Fine. Illinois law says you can only go once in a 24 hr period but he's such a big tipper.... In reality I thought if I could give this creep a really good, solid second degree burn I wouldn't see him for a while. If ever again. Mean? Maybe. Whatever.

Finally the door opens he's standing there in the middle of the room, drunk, and flexing. In his underwear. So I tell him, "Hey bud you gotta go it's closing time." The phone is in my hand and I've dialed 9 as in 911"Okay P.a.s.t.a but first you gotta help me, I can't get my belt buckled." Uh sorry. I can't do that. "You know these walls are a nice blue, they match your eyes". Alright dude OUT! So I finally help him to the front door, and he's pretty baked. Like a turkey. Good. Asshole.

On the way out he holds out his hand like a fist bump, but instead he drops $130.00 in my hand. Okay cool. Maybe he is rich, and not just a drunken, lying, ex-con. So I get him out, and lock the door behind him. Keep in mind I'm not exactly a little guy. I am 6'2" and weigh 210 pounds. I work out every day and took the usual Karate lessons for five years, and blah, blah, blah. But whatever, fighting for my life was not on my schedule for that Wednesday so I was relieved when he was out. So I turn my back to finish closing when I hear a tap on the window. "P.a.s.t.a. wanna take a limo home! I'm rich! We'll go out and party!" No dude, go home. " You fucker!" he says as he starts unlocking his bicycle.

No sooner do I turn my back when he dives toward the ground. Like he's doing a cannon ball in the pool or something. I mean doubled over, head first straight down into the mall's river rock garden. And I mean head first. He didn't even put his arms out. His head must've missed the edge of the curb by less than an inch.

I'm Druuuuuuuuuunk!

In fact at first I thought he hit the edge of the curb and killed himself right in front of me because for a few seconds he didn't move. I thought he was dead. Well he comes to and I finally get out of the store, and onto my own bike. No I'm not an ex-con I live 1/2 a mile from here.

"Hey you need an ambulance or something? You alright?"

"No I'm okay. Guys like you and me don't need ambulances." I rode off as fast as I could before he managed to get killed. I figured the cops showed up and took him away as we're on a really busy street and they drive by every five minutes. I didn't know what happened to him.

Until he came in the next morning to tan. Sober. Like nothing happened.

2009-08-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

I figured I'd start this out of sheer boredom. July, and August is the slowest time of the year for our business, and I can go hours without seeing a single person come through our door. What do we do?

I own a tanning salon.

I know. Don't bother. You don't go tanning because... whatever the reason. I don't give a shit. I've heard it all before. Your argument against this is not original, plus I have plenty of pictures of the tanning beds sold to dermatologists for use in their offices. They're very fancy, and look like a Murphy Bed that folds into a wall.

Oh look! Here's one now!

So save it. Those guys are just pissed that they lost business to guys like me, and can't charge your insurance company $75 for a tanning session. **tin foil hat on**So by making it sound really bad, doctors hope to drive guys like me out of business so they can charge more. **tin foil hat off**

Take that dermatologists!

Anyway when it gets slow, and I get bored I'll put up some of the better stories that most people that work in a retail or service businesses can identify with, and some of them are pretty weird, and funny.

So come back!

Yay! I have a blog!

2009-08-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

I'll keep doing this until I get bored, or forget the passwords.