Yes It Works Goddamit

We opened nearly five years ago. And in that time, almost 200,000 tanning sessions have taken place. And out of aaaaalllllllll those people, guess what? Yep. You're the first one that the beds didn't work on! Isn't that amazing? All of those people gave me money for no good reason. They were completely and totally unsatisfied. Frankly, I don't know how we've managed to stay in business this long.

Sorry. I'm lying. You're a stupid-ass. I've said this before, and I guess I'll have to say it again. Tanning beds aren't "Magic Browning Boxes". It might require more than two, or three sessions. It f-cking works. You have red hair, pale skin, and you're at least 45 years old. It is just not gonna be as easy for you tan. I know it sucks but there it is.

State law forces me to put posters on the wall that say, and I quote..."If you don't tan in the sun, you are unlikely to tan from the use of this product."

I really don't know what else to tell you at this point. Seriously, if you're so unhappy, why in the world do you keep coming back here? If it's just to complain please stop. I don't care enough about you to add whether or not you're getting a tan to the litany of other far more important problems I have.

You Won't Turn Orange!

The act of tanning doesn't make you orange. I'll say it again. Tanning simply doesn't make people orange. It just doesn't. Unless of course your mom, and dad are naturally orange colored, or there is a history of Rainbow People in your family, or you have a grandparent that came from Orangeland or somewhere like that.

When you see someone that has that orange look, it is the color they turn after a SPRAY TAN. And it's usually after using a "Mystic Tan" machine, or some other automatic spray system. You know, you stand there and the machine automatically sprays you, you have to turn around, lift your arms, etc., etc.

This is the color people turn because Mystic Tan machines suck. The solution they use is terrible, and I guarantee the retards they have working there never clean the spray nozzles, or the tubing that sprays the stuff on.

There is the possibility that you're a red head. Red heads do look a bit red (obviously) to begin with, so I admit the bronzers can make them look orange. But there is a simple fix for this.

The "Clear" solution. Clear solutions don't contain any bronzers, and will only make you as tan, as you would get naturally. Does that make sense? Avoiding the machines is, seriously, the best thing you could do.

And yes I know "it's only $10 on Friday" to do a Mystic Tan at Big Chain Salon, but what if it was only $10 and you would turn blue? Would you still do it? Knock yourself out because in reality it ultimately makes THEM look bad.