The back of the store is on an alley and there's a liquor store at the opposite end of the mall. The owner is a really nice guy, but he doesn't really have the "Top Hat Society" for customers. And we are after all a tanning salon, so if you're a black guy, all charges of me being a racist aside, I have to wonder why you're walking in here. And the first thing I tell anyone new when they start working is never open the back door to anyone! EVER.
Well one day I leave it cracked open to let some air in because even during winter it can get really hot in here. And I almost always have a handgun here. Just in case. I mean you never know right? See where this is going? Well one customer of "Al's Liquors" a young black guy, is around all the time. I don't know if he's homeless, or just an alcoholic or whatever but I see him a lot so he isn't unfamiliar to me. I even know his name. Well it's after dark, the back door is cracked open, and I have my back to the lobby when out of the corner of my eye I see a figure on my left that obviously came in through the back door. And he's black. So I swing around, and reach for the pistol. It's a double-action .45, made by Taurus, in case you were wondering. And in a split second I realized it was him. He just came in to say hi. I still see him around occasionally, and I never told him how close he came to getting killed that night.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Are we doing the right thing?
Well are we? I'm never sure if what we're doing is right. Do we charge enough (we don't)? Are they the right kind of beds? Do people like us? I never really know. People that like your business will tell a friend about you. People that don't like your business will tell 20. And so in one of my fits of feeling completely incompetent, and totally lost when no one is in here buying stuff - I never, ever tell anyone I feel like that by the way, I left Cute Girl 1 in charge and ran some errands. On the way I drove by a competitor that had opened about two miles away. And it looked dark in there. Really dark. And I thought they'd closed up because it was so dark. I've been trying to run them out of town for over a year now, and frankly they're pissing me off (If you aren't ready to kill, or be killed don't start a business).
Anyway I did my errands and on the way back I drove by them again. I had to, and besides I wanted to know if they were open, or closed. Well they were in fact open because I saw someone's head sticking up from behind the counter. The lack of cars in front of their store didn't help. So I was a little disappointed because really, if they go maybe we can add a second location. Fingers crossed! So I get back to our store and it's jammed! Every bed is going, people are waiting, and they're sill coming! Awesome. Sometimes I guess we are doing it right. Until I wonder again next week.
Anyway I did my errands and on the way back I drove by them again. I had to, and besides I wanted to know if they were open, or closed. Well they were in fact open because I saw someone's head sticking up from behind the counter. The lack of cars in front of their store didn't help. So I was a little disappointed because really, if they go maybe we can add a second location. Fingers crossed! So I get back to our store and it's jammed! Every bed is going, people are waiting, and they're sill coming! Awesome. Sometimes I guess we are doing it right. Until I wonder again next week.
Business 101
Nope. I never graduated from college. I never attended the Kellogg School of Management, and I never so much as went to a community college. Actually I think you have to graduate from high school first, but that's a totally different story.
Anyway there isn't much you can tell me that I haven't already experienced either from owning this business, businesses in the past, or simply by existing. Gee do you really think I should put a sign out next to the road to tell people we're here? I would never have thought of that. Oh wait. I did. There's a city ordinance against doing just that, so I won't be doing that again. Some people will walk through our door everyday for weeks at a time and still ask me what time we close. Despite the fact that our hours are posted on that same door in 3" vinyl letters. If they can walk past those without seeing them, do you really think they're gonna see a sign they might fly past at 40mph? We have been open for almost five years now, so while I'll nod, and agree that... "Hey that's a great idea!" ... I'll be totally humoring you.
Mailers work? Huh. I never would have gue- Oh wait I tried that too. It doesn't. We mailed out 15,000 coupons three times in one year. It cost us like $1800.00 and guess how many we got back. Go ahead guess. That's right. Two. And neither one of those people spent $1800 in here. In fact I've never seen either person again.
And yeah I think it would be an awesome idea to buy an "XXL Kiwi King" by Soltron, and I will if you feel like lending me the $50,000+ to buy it. Oh and the $35.00 per 12 minute session charge, you'll totally do that at least twice a week to justify the expense right? Right? And so will at least 20 of your friends? I hope so because there's a lot I could do with an extra $50,000. I can appreciate you trying to help. Your advice won't go unheeded.
No that's wrong it will because you have no idea what you're talking about.
Anyway there isn't much you can tell me that I haven't already experienced either from owning this business, businesses in the past, or simply by existing. Gee do you really think I should put a sign out next to the road to tell people we're here? I would never have thought of that. Oh wait. I did. There's a city ordinance against doing just that, so I won't be doing that again. Some people will walk through our door everyday for weeks at a time and still ask me what time we close. Despite the fact that our hours are posted on that same door in 3" vinyl letters. If they can walk past those without seeing them, do you really think they're gonna see a sign they might fly past at 40mph? We have been open for almost five years now, so while I'll nod, and agree that... "Hey that's a great idea!" ... I'll be totally humoring you.
Mailers work? Huh. I never would have gue- Oh wait I tried that too. It doesn't. We mailed out 15,000 coupons three times in one year. It cost us like $1800.00 and guess how many we got back. Go ahead guess. That's right. Two. And neither one of those people spent $1800 in here. In fact I've never seen either person again.
And yeah I think it would be an awesome idea to buy an "XXL Kiwi King" by Soltron, and I will if you feel like lending me the $50,000+ to buy it. Oh and the $35.00 per 12 minute session charge, you'll totally do that at least twice a week to justify the expense right? Right? And so will at least 20 of your friends? I hope so because there's a lot I could do with an extra $50,000. I can appreciate you trying to help. Your advice won't go unheeded.
No that's wrong it will because you have no idea what you're talking about.
Sorry...
It's been light on the stories but it's still kinda slow. It was actually scary slow for a while, but things are picking up so I'm sure the 15% of the population that makes life miserable for the rest of us will be in fine form soon.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
You Aren't Good Looking Enough...
to be as much of a jerk that you are. I know you're attractive physically. In fact the first time I saw you my initial reaction was "Holy -". Bikini model body, the best fake boobs money could buy always dressed nicely. You know the kind. She looks exactly like one of those girls you might see in a trendy nightclub. Even at 11am on a Tuesday. But then you ruin it all by talking. Jesus what an asshole. I can't imagine what it's like to live with you.
Imagine her, better looking, and also The World's Biggest Asshole.
Imagine her, better looking, and also The World's Biggest Asshole.
You are constantly bitching about having to wait, about the cost, or about whatever your miserable life throws at you today. And you're kinda mean too. What a fucking Prima Donna. Really, you went from being someone I thought I could hold up as the kind of upscale clientele that we appeal to, to the ugliest woman I have ever met. For real. The only upside is that I know you are the one that has to get up everyday, and see your own miserable face in the mirror.
The really, really bad part though, is that your 17 year old daughter (yep she's 41 but she could pass for 31) is taking after you. Probably thinking you're cool or something. And I don't mean kinda I mean exactly like you. The downside for her is, the poor kid is, somehow, kinda homely. So not one single, solitary guy is gonna put up with it. Unlike the ones that might put up with you because of your physical attributes. But she'll be alone collecting cats, and Hummel Figurines by the time shes 26. At least she'll know who to blame when she's in therapy.
UPDATE 11/28! She was here today, and a bigger jerk than usual.
The really, really bad part though, is that your 17 year old daughter (yep she's 41 but she could pass for 31) is taking after you. Probably thinking you're cool or something. And I don't mean kinda I mean exactly like you. The downside for her is, the poor kid is, somehow, kinda homely. So not one single, solitary guy is gonna put up with it. Unlike the ones that might put up with you because of your physical attributes. But she'll be alone collecting cats, and Hummel Figurines by the time shes 26. At least she'll know who to blame when she's in therapy.
UPDATE 11/28! She was here today, and a bigger jerk than usual.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I already told you once
I told you you can't use that lotion in here. It's a pump. You know the kind. The kind you spray on? It's a pump so you can spray parts of you, you couldn't otherwise reach I guess. Plus, you moron, it's got an SPF of eight. EIGHT! The SPF stands for Sun Protection Factor. Each number increases the amount of time you can spend in the Sun without burning. SPF1 means one hour, SPF2 means two hours and so on. Why in God's name would you pay money to go tanning, only to slather yourself in sunblock?! Doesn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose? Here's an idea, next time just come in, hand me some money, and then walk out. It's the exact same thing except you save yourself the hassle of getting undressed and stuff.
The chemicals that make up the SPF damage our beds! Our very, very expensive beds. When I saw you had it the first time I told you you couldn't use it here for that very reason. Fine you said. Oh of course you were all miffed, and irritated but you tanned anyway. Then you came back today and thought you were being sneaky and sneaked it in in your purse. Well guess what genius, IT'S GOT A PUMP! It was all over the wall, the bed top, and the floor. Thanks by the way because without seeing it I almost broke my neck because once it hits the floor it's like walking on an ice skating rink. So thanks for thinking I'm a complete idiot and I would somehow miss this.
So as much as I hate to do this I'm gonna kick your ass out of here for good. We'll try to stay open for business another five years without your $12.
The chemicals that make up the SPF damage our beds! Our very, very expensive beds. When I saw you had it the first time I told you you couldn't use it here for that very reason. Fine you said. Oh of course you were all miffed, and irritated but you tanned anyway. Then you came back today and thought you were being sneaky and sneaked it in in your purse. Well guess what genius, IT'S GOT A PUMP! It was all over the wall, the bed top, and the floor. Thanks by the way because without seeing it I almost broke my neck because once it hits the floor it's like walking on an ice skating rink. So thanks for thinking I'm a complete idiot and I would somehow miss this.
So as much as I hate to do this I'm gonna kick your ass out of here for good. We'll try to stay open for business another five years without your $12.
Monday, November 2, 2009
I'm such a loser
For like the tenth time I actually went to Urban Dictionary to look up the meaning of a word that I didn't understand.
23 Skidoo!
23 Skidoo!
I'll pass
Not on your life. I saw the five minute preview, or whatever it was the other day. Why? Why would anyone watch this ridiculous, and totally unnecessary remake? Aside from the occasional stupid looking sixties haircut/pair of striped pants the original show is perfect, and really hardly looks at all dated. Okay all of the computers, phones, and tape recorders are HUGE and yes the ending is beyond terrible, but aside from that it's awesome. It's one of only two television series I bought on DVD.
Immediately in the preview I noticed "Him" apparently helping someone. WRONG! Way to miss the entire point of the original series assholes. And I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this woman (and child) that he helps, at some point becomes his love interest/instant family. In case I'm a total retard, I had always assumed the original was about the individual. The "Lone Wolf" as it were. At no point in the original series do I remember Number 6 assisting anybody but himself. I admit I haven't watched any of it in a long time, but again isn't that the whole point of the show?
"Oh but it looks so good!" Save it. So what? I don't know I'm so irritated, and pissed off about this I'll have to get some kind of cogent line of thought together and update this when I do.
Thanks for pissing all over Patrick McGoohan's grave AMC.
By the way. I don't give a shit why you like the new one. If anyone bothers to ever read this, I fucking hate it without ever seeing it. Period. So save your chubby, stubby little fingers and don't bother defending it. Try watching the original series first and you'll be absolutely amazed at how fast you're going to agree with me. And I hate to sound like an elitist tool, but if you watch the first one, and don't "get it"? Yeah we can't be friends.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
GAAAAAHHHHHH!
We can't make him look like them
I know you've been here two whole times. I know you've now tanned in a bed a total of 30 minutes in the past six months now. Yeah I know you're not tan yet. Guess what? You looked like Edgar Winter's pale younger brother when you first walked in here. You might have to go a few more times. Yes, yes I know the wedding is in three days, but you should've been in here two weeks ago. And you know what? you might have to spend a little extra money on a stronger bed. I know, I know you get tan "in like 2 minutes outside"! Well you're not outside. Next time don't wait until the last minute.
Kind of a big deal.
Well to me at least. We are located relatively close to a major concert arena. So every once in a while we'll get a celebrity type in here. Well this time they weren't really the celebrities so much, but this particular celebrity's back up dancers. Actually this was the second time they were in here to get a spray on tan. Because we don't use those awful automatic spray machines that I don't want to name so no one feels bad about spending $30,000+ on these awful things (Hint: they're called Mystic), we tend to get a more "upscale" spray tanner. Also more adult because you're sprayed by someone. Usually naked. You, not the person spraying.
Anyway, they came back a third time! Big deal right? No not that. The fact that "BIG TIME CELEBRITY'S" make up artist said it was the best spray tan she'd ever seen. That is really saying something. Especially since presumably the make up artist can do it for them . I was flattered to say the least. Hopefully word will get around.
Anyway, they came back a third time! Big deal right? No not that. The fact that "BIG TIME CELEBRITY'S" make up artist said it was the best spray tan she'd ever seen. That is really saying something. Especially since presumably the make up artist can do it for them . I was flattered to say the least. Hopefully word will get around.
Stop being a creep!
You're making the girls uncomfortable. Yes they're young. Yes they're hot. Yes they're personable, and smart. I hired them for those reasons. But they think you're "a creepo". Besides, they're MY girls, and frankly I feel a little protective. They don't want to date you. You're old enough to be their father. At least. Even I think you're a little weird. I can't imagine what it'd be like to be hit on by you.
Oh and remember that time you brought in that woman you were cheating on your wife with? Remember I met her? And I imagine she's actually better looking than your wife, right? Yeah the girls that work here are WAAAY out of your league anyway. So by all means keep coming in. Just stop hitting on the girls.
Oh and remember that time you brought in that woman you were cheating on your wife with? Remember I met her? And I imagine she's actually better looking than your wife, right? Yeah the girls that work here are WAAAY out of your league anyway. So by all means keep coming in. Just stop hitting on the girls.
Hey Pasta! How do you work the radio in here?
Really? How do you work the radio?? Radio technology has changed very little in the last 100 years or so.
1. Power on.
2. Choose AM or FM
3. Choose station.
4. Enjoy the sound that comes out of speakers.
Dumb-ass
What are you doing in there !?
Thanks but I don't need a new window in that wall. And you know that tanning bed you were just lying in? Yeah that thing costs like $25,000. So while you can borrow it for the next fifteen minutes or so, DON'T FUCKING BREAK IT ASSHOLE!
Get undressed, lay in the bed, tan, get dressed get the fuck out! What's the matter with you people?
Oh. And those doors? They slide open, and closed. You had to slide it closed to close it, why are you trying to swing it open? You're gonna knock that whole collapsible wall down! I know you think you're so hot I want to keep you prisoner. Well guess what? You aren't, and I don't. I'd have to feed you. A lot apparently. And I don't want that.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
What I did yesterday
Hearing comes back doesn't it? Will this whistling never stop? Why did so many of the guys that were there have beer bellies? Will no one answer these questions?
Friday, August 28, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Uh Oh
Here she comes. She lived around the corner from me so I recognize her. She would be out there everyday cutting her lawn with pinking shears. But she wasn't eccentric or anything. She was a nut. A hoarder, collecting garbage furniture, and maybe border line dangerous, who knows? Her family, combined with the city had her forcibly evicted, and then committed to some place for nut-jobs, or the story goes.
You just KNOW she really hates George BushAnyway, they must've been hosing out her cage or something, because she stormed into the store carrying a bunch of crab apples and sticks wanting to know what we do.
Crazy: What is this place?
Me: A tanning salon.
Crazy: You mean with those machines?
Me: Yep! (I knew where this was going)
Crazy: I thought this was illegal?
Now I'm Scratching me chin, looking thoughtful. Might as well f-ck with her
Me: No not last time I checked, I mean here we are.
(Uh oh she saw the news.)
Crazy: YOU KNOW YOU'RE KILLING PEOPLE! GIVING THEM CANCER!!
Me: So you don't wanna tan then?
Crazy: NO AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!
Me: Obviously not.
Me: A tanning salon.
Crazy: You mean with those machines?
Me: Yep! (I knew where this was going)
Crazy: I thought this was illegal?
Now I'm Scratching me chin, looking thoughtful. Might as well f-ck with her
Me: No not last time I checked, I mean here we are.
(Uh oh she saw the news.)
Crazy: YOU KNOW YOU'RE KILLING PEOPLE! GIVING THEM CANCER!!
DIDN'T YOU SEE THE NEWS REPORTS??!!
WHAT A WORLD WE LIVE IN!!Me: So you don't wanna tan then?
Crazy: NO AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!
Me: Obviously not.
Luckily no one else was here. She drops her little apples, scoops them up and then turns to storm out. I just let her speak her piece, and hopefully let her get it out of her system. She looks kind of normal, but has those eyes like in the picture above. Sort of a deer in the headlights look. Don't they all? She's half my size so I'm pretty sure I could take her.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Last Minute Guy
We close at 10 o'clock. Everyday. The closing time never changes really. Even in July when it's 87 degrees at 9:30 and the Sun has been down for a half an hour and there's been exactly two people in here since 6:30 pm on a Friday night.
So why are you here at five minutes to 10, and why do you want to tan for 20 minutes? This isn't the first time you've done this. And I know you're self employed and work out of your house so it's not like you were running late because you were rescuing puppies, and kitties from burning buildings. This is what makes you feel like a man? Trying to push around small business owners?
Because we're an independent place (read: small) and I like to please customers, I think some people perceive this as some kind of weakness. Like I'm so desperate for customers, and your $6 or we might go out of business? Or that because you're the customer, you're always right? I've allowed this to happen a couple of times because that's what I do. Put your thumb and index fingers together. Now separate them by about 1/8th of an inch. You see that space? That's exactly how close you are to being banned from here. And then we'll see how many times you pull that crap at "BIG TANNING CHAIN". Believe me if you show up to tan ten minutes before they close, that Blonde Eurotrash girl will start your bed. But she'll also kill it from the front desk at 9:59:59, and you'll be lucky to get out the door with your shirt on before you're locked in.
And no for the last time. We don't have "freebie lotion samples", and yes I had to raise the price of tans by a whole $1. You see the electric company wants their money every month like clockwork. And all those lotions you see on the shelf behind me? Yeah I had to pay for those. I'm well aware of the fact that I didn't pay $46 for that $46 bottle of lotion. I paid less. A lot less. But you see, that's how we stay in business, and that's how I pay my mortgage. If I pay a dollar for something, and then sell it to you for a dollar where is the incentive for me? I guess I don't blame you for asking, but by the third time it gets insulting, and makes you look like a cheap asshole.
Of course you're here five minutes before we close because you know you're such an awesome customer. Surprise ladies, and gentleman you might think you're a good customer, but you aren't. Wanna know what makes someone a good customer? THEY SPEND LOTS OF MONEY. That's all there is too it. If you're gonna drop a couple o' hundred a month in here every month, I'll let you slap me in the mouth on the way out everyday. But $3 or $4 every five or six days doesn't get you special treatment.
Who gets special treatment? The guy who just paid $3 to tan? Or the girl that bought eye wear, a $60 lotion, and three spray tans last month plus has been paying for tanning every month out of the last six? Take a guess, go ahead I'll sit and wait.
Right! The second one!
Save your sanctimony. The customer isn't always right. Some people are just begging to get kicked in the balls. In fact you'll be lucky if I ban you instead of doing just that.
So why are you here at five minutes to 10, and why do you want to tan for 20 minutes? This isn't the first time you've done this. And I know you're self employed and work out of your house so it's not like you were running late because you were rescuing puppies, and kitties from burning buildings. This is what makes you feel like a man? Trying to push around small business owners?
Because we're an independent place (read: small) and I like to please customers, I think some people perceive this as some kind of weakness. Like I'm so desperate for customers, and your $6 or we might go out of business? Or that because you're the customer, you're always right? I've allowed this to happen a couple of times because that's what I do. Put your thumb and index fingers together. Now separate them by about 1/8th of an inch. You see that space? That's exactly how close you are to being banned from here. And then we'll see how many times you pull that crap at "BIG TANNING CHAIN". Believe me if you show up to tan ten minutes before they close, that Blonde Eurotrash girl will start your bed. But she'll also kill it from the front desk at 9:59:59, and you'll be lucky to get out the door with your shirt on before you're locked in.
And no for the last time. We don't have "freebie lotion samples", and yes I had to raise the price of tans by a whole $1. You see the electric company wants their money every month like clockwork. And all those lotions you see on the shelf behind me? Yeah I had to pay for those. I'm well aware of the fact that I didn't pay $46 for that $46 bottle of lotion. I paid less. A lot less. But you see, that's how we stay in business, and that's how I pay my mortgage. If I pay a dollar for something, and then sell it to you for a dollar where is the incentive for me? I guess I don't blame you for asking, but by the third time it gets insulting, and makes you look like a cheap asshole.
Of course you're here five minutes before we close because you know you're such an awesome customer. Surprise ladies, and gentleman you might think you're a good customer, but you aren't. Wanna know what makes someone a good customer? THEY SPEND LOTS OF MONEY. That's all there is too it. If you're gonna drop a couple o' hundred a month in here every month, I'll let you slap me in the mouth on the way out everyday. But $3 or $4 every five or six days doesn't get you special treatment.
Who gets special treatment? The guy who just paid $3 to tan? Or the girl that bought eye wear, a $60 lotion, and three spray tans last month plus has been paying for tanning every month out of the last six? Take a guess, go ahead I'll sit and wait.
Right! The second one!
Save your sanctimony. The customer isn't always right. Some people are just begging to get kicked in the balls. In fact you'll be lucky if I ban you instead of doing just that.
Huh?
Someone want to explain this to me?
1. It's cold, the water's cold.
2. That greenhorn is an idiot.
3. Boy this job sure is dangerous!
4. Look how much money I make!
If you like this show you're a retard.
Can I have my Discovery Channel back please? Without the fisherman, the Truck Drivers on Ice, and the lumberjacks? I guess it would be easy to ignore if these shows weren't the only ones they ever seem to show anymore. Isn't that what TLC is for?
Monday, August 10, 2009
A New Customer!
He was average looking, just another guy "looking to get a base tan before going too..." wherever. Nothing unusual so far, and he seems nice enough but he sort of raised a red flag almost immediately. Nothing I could put my finger on, just one of those feelings you get. We do get a lot of girls in here, all between the ages of 17-30, and almost all of them are very good looking. So when a guy walks in that puts out that creepy vibe I try to keep an eye on him.
kinda like this but happier!
So he comes a few times always riding his bicycle, always friendly, but then I catch him once in a while leering at some of the girls. Still, no big deal it happens, and they usually are good looking, so who could blame him? But any guy that actively started to hit on the customers, especially the younger ones would be heaved immediately. Anyway one day he hands me a wad of cash. A tip he says. I refuse it but he gets all bent out of shape over this perceived snub, and I grudgingly take it. So now I'm indebted to this guy right? "But I'm such a big tipper!"* I can hear it now.
Well, a few weeks go by, he comes every other day or so, uneventfully and then one day he's acting kinda weird. He's always chatty, and boisterous, and he's probably the fun guy at a party for an hour or two. Just before you want to punch him in the face. It was busy. People were waiting to tan in whatever bed they were waiting for, the music is a little loud, people are talking, and he's stalking the room. Some poor kid (a guy) falls into the trap of talking to him. I thought they were friends at first. Anyway, he (creepy guy) disappears outside, and I realize he's been doing this for a while. What the Hell is he doing? He's drinking! He's been here about 20 minutes at this point. And finally I catch on. He's getting drunk. At a tanning salon. On a Wednesday.
Whatever I say. He's okay so far and he's *a good tipper (see?) So now I want to get him in, and out as fast as possible. He's getting drunker by the minute, seemingly through osmosis or something. Just existing is making him drunk. At this point I should have called the cops. But I didn't. So as more girls come and go he starts to get more, and more brave. Finally "O" comes in. She's very cute, very sweet, and kinda street smart, and he's asking me about tanning lotions. Which one is the best, which is the most expensive because didn't I tell you? "I'm rich, and an airline pilot." Now that "O" is here he is anyway.
She catches on. And she is a big spender, and since he's trying like Hell to impress her he buys the $75 bottle of top shelf stuff. The stuff she convinced him to buy (Thanks O!). She isn't impressed. So finally after he's done impressing the Hell out of everyone I get him to tan. "Give me the best bed you got!" "I wanna be dark! Help me out!" He's drunk and beginning to piss me off and he's been here now for at least an hour and a half, and I am getting ready to call the cops. I've been avoiding doing this because over all he really does seem like a nice enough guy, but oh. Didn't I tell you? He just spent the last 10 months in prison! So I'm trying to cut the guy a break and not get him hauled off to whatever concrete Hell hole he just got out of because he decided to drink a little. On a Wednesday. At a tanning salon.
It's getting near closing time now, and it's just him and me in here. My paranoia starts to kick in and I figure he's waiting for everyone to leave so he can do whatever un-Godly thing he wants. You know since he's a friggin' criminal and everything. Well he's officially passed out so suddenly, I'm not feeling so threatened. And I hear him start to yell... "HEY P.A.S.T.A. WHEN IS THIS THING GONNA START!!" (he spells my name rather than say it) Hey genius it's over. You passed out. "I WANNA GO AGAIN!!" Fine. Illinois law says you can only go once in a 24 hr period but he's such a big tipper.... In reality I thought if I could give this creep a really good, solid second degree burn I wouldn't see him for a while. If ever again. Mean? Maybe. Whatever.
Finally the door opens he's standing there in the middle of the room, drunk, and flexing. In his underwear. So I tell him, "Hey bud you gotta go it's closing time." The phone is in my hand and I've dialed 9 as in 911"Okay P.a.s.t.a but first you gotta help me, I can't get my belt buckled." Uh sorry. I can't do that. "You know these walls are a nice blue, they match your eyes". Alright dude OUT! So I finally help him to the front door, and he's pretty baked. Like a turkey. Good. Asshole.
On the way out he holds out his hand like a fist bump, but instead he drops $130.00 in my hand. Okay cool. Maybe he is rich, and not just a drunken, lying, ex-con. So I get him out, and lock the door behind him. Keep in mind I'm not exactly a little guy. I am 6'2" and weigh 210 pounds. I work out every day and took the usual Karate lessons for five years, and blah, blah, blah. But whatever, fighting for my life was not on my schedule for that Wednesday so I was relieved when he was out. So I turn my back to finish closing when I hear a tap on the window. "P.a.s.t.a. wanna take a limo home! I'm rich! We'll go out and party!" No dude, go home. " You fucker!" he says as he starts unlocking his bicycle.
No sooner do I turn my back when he dives toward the ground. Like he's doing a cannon ball in the pool or something. I mean doubled over, head first straight down into the mall's river rock garden. And I mean head first. He didn't even put his arms out. His head must've missed the edge of the curb by less than an inch.
I'm Druuuuuuuuuunk!
In fact at first I thought he hit the edge of the curb and killed himself right in front of me because for a few seconds he didn't move. I thought he was dead. Well he comes to and I finally get out of the store, and onto my own bike. No I'm not an ex-con I live 1/2 a mile from here.
"Hey you need an ambulance or something? You alright?"
"No I'm okay. Guys like you and me don't need ambulances." I rode off as fast as I could before he managed to get killed. I figured the cops showed up and took him away as we're on a really busy street and they drive by every five minutes. I didn't know what happened to him.
Until he came in the next morning to tan. Sober. Like nothing happened.
kinda like this but happier!So he comes a few times always riding his bicycle, always friendly, but then I catch him once in a while leering at some of the girls. Still, no big deal it happens, and they usually are good looking, so who could blame him? But any guy that actively started to hit on the customers, especially the younger ones would be heaved immediately. Anyway one day he hands me a wad of cash. A tip he says. I refuse it but he gets all bent out of shape over this perceived snub, and I grudgingly take it. So now I'm indebted to this guy right? "But I'm such a big tipper!"* I can hear it now.
Well, a few weeks go by, he comes every other day or so, uneventfully and then one day he's acting kinda weird. He's always chatty, and boisterous, and he's probably the fun guy at a party for an hour or two. Just before you want to punch him in the face. It was busy. People were waiting to tan in whatever bed they were waiting for, the music is a little loud, people are talking, and he's stalking the room. Some poor kid (a guy) falls into the trap of talking to him. I thought they were friends at first. Anyway, he (creepy guy) disappears outside, and I realize he's been doing this for a while. What the Hell is he doing? He's drinking! He's been here about 20 minutes at this point. And finally I catch on. He's getting drunk. At a tanning salon. On a Wednesday.
Whatever I say. He's okay so far and he's *a good tipper (see?) So now I want to get him in, and out as fast as possible. He's getting drunker by the minute, seemingly through osmosis or something. Just existing is making him drunk. At this point I should have called the cops. But I didn't. So as more girls come and go he starts to get more, and more brave. Finally "O" comes in. She's very cute, very sweet, and kinda street smart, and he's asking me about tanning lotions. Which one is the best, which is the most expensive because didn't I tell you? "I'm rich, and an airline pilot." Now that "O" is here he is anyway.
She catches on. And she is a big spender, and since he's trying like Hell to impress her he buys the $75 bottle of top shelf stuff. The stuff she convinced him to buy (Thanks O!). She isn't impressed. So finally after he's done impressing the Hell out of everyone I get him to tan. "Give me the best bed you got!" "I wanna be dark! Help me out!" He's drunk and beginning to piss me off and he's been here now for at least an hour and a half, and I am getting ready to call the cops. I've been avoiding doing this because over all he really does seem like a nice enough guy, but oh. Didn't I tell you? He just spent the last 10 months in prison! So I'm trying to cut the guy a break and not get him hauled off to whatever concrete Hell hole he just got out of because he decided to drink a little. On a Wednesday. At a tanning salon.
It's getting near closing time now, and it's just him and me in here. My paranoia starts to kick in and I figure he's waiting for everyone to leave so he can do whatever un-Godly thing he wants. You know since he's a friggin' criminal and everything. Well he's officially passed out so suddenly, I'm not feeling so threatened. And I hear him start to yell... "HEY P.A.S.T.A. WHEN IS THIS THING GONNA START!!" (he spells my name rather than say it) Hey genius it's over. You passed out. "I WANNA GO AGAIN!!" Fine. Illinois law says you can only go once in a 24 hr period but he's such a big tipper.... In reality I thought if I could give this creep a really good, solid second degree burn I wouldn't see him for a while. If ever again. Mean? Maybe. Whatever.
Finally the door opens he's standing there in the middle of the room, drunk, and flexing. In his underwear. So I tell him, "Hey bud you gotta go it's closing time." The phone is in my hand and I've dialed 9 as in 911"Okay P.a.s.t.a but first you gotta help me, I can't get my belt buckled." Uh sorry. I can't do that. "You know these walls are a nice blue, they match your eyes". Alright dude OUT! So I finally help him to the front door, and he's pretty baked. Like a turkey. Good. Asshole.
On the way out he holds out his hand like a fist bump, but instead he drops $130.00 in my hand. Okay cool. Maybe he is rich, and not just a drunken, lying, ex-con. So I get him out, and lock the door behind him. Keep in mind I'm not exactly a little guy. I am 6'2" and weigh 210 pounds. I work out every day and took the usual Karate lessons for five years, and blah, blah, blah. But whatever, fighting for my life was not on my schedule for that Wednesday so I was relieved when he was out. So I turn my back to finish closing when I hear a tap on the window. "P.a.s.t.a. wanna take a limo home! I'm rich! We'll go out and party!" No dude, go home. " You fucker!" he says as he starts unlocking his bicycle.
No sooner do I turn my back when he dives toward the ground. Like he's doing a cannon ball in the pool or something. I mean doubled over, head first straight down into the mall's river rock garden. And I mean head first. He didn't even put his arms out. His head must've missed the edge of the curb by less than an inch.
I'm Druuuuuuuuuunk!
In fact at first I thought he hit the edge of the curb and killed himself right in front of me because for a few seconds he didn't move. I thought he was dead. Well he comes to and I finally get out of the store, and onto my own bike. No I'm not an ex-con I live 1/2 a mile from here.
"Hey you need an ambulance or something? You alright?"
"No I'm okay. Guys like you and me don't need ambulances." I rode off as fast as I could before he managed to get killed. I figured the cops showed up and took him away as we're on a really busy street and they drive by every five minutes. I didn't know what happened to him.
Until he came in the next morning to tan. Sober. Like nothing happened.
I figured I'd start this out of sheer boredom. July, and August is the slowest time of the year for our business, and I can go hours without seeing a single person come through our door. What do we do?
I own a tanning salon.
I know. Don't bother. You don't go tanning because... whatever the reason. I don't give a shit. I've heard it all before. Your argument against this is not original, plus I have plenty of pictures of the tanning beds sold to dermatologists for use in their offices. They're very fancy, and look like a Murphy Bed that folds into a wall.
Oh look! Here's one now!
So save it. Those guys are just pissed that they lost business to guys like me, and can't charge your insurance company $75 for a tanning session. **tin foil hat on**So by making it sound really bad, doctors hope to drive guys like me out of business so they can charge more. **tin foil hat off**
Take that dermatologists!
Anyway when it gets slow, and I get bored I'll put up some of the better stories that most people that work in a retail or service businesses can identify with, and some of them are pretty weird, and funny.
So come back!
I own a tanning salon.
I know. Don't bother. You don't go tanning because... whatever the reason. I don't give a shit. I've heard it all before. Your argument against this is not original, plus I have plenty of pictures of the tanning beds sold to dermatologists for use in their offices. They're very fancy, and look like a Murphy Bed that folds into a wall.
Oh look! Here's one now!
So save it. Those guys are just pissed that they lost business to guys like me, and can't charge your insurance company $75 for a tanning session. **tin foil hat on**So by making it sound really bad, doctors hope to drive guys like me out of business so they can charge more. **tin foil hat off**
Take that dermatologists!
Anyway when it gets slow, and I get bored I'll put up some of the better stories that most people that work in a retail or service businesses can identify with, and some of them are pretty weird, and funny.
So come back!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
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