kinda like this but happier!So he comes a few times always riding his bicycle, always friendly, but then I catch him once in a while leering at some of the girls. Still, no big deal it happens, and they usually are good looking, so who could blame him? But any guy that actively started to hit on the customers, especially the younger ones would be heaved immediately. Anyway one day he hands me a wad of cash. A tip he says. I refuse it but he gets all bent out of shape over this perceived snub, and I grudgingly take it. So now I'm indebted to this guy right? "But I'm such a big tipper!"* I can hear it now.
Well, a few weeks go by, he comes every other day or so, uneventfully and then one day he's acting kinda weird. He's always chatty, and boisterous, and he's probably the fun guy at a party for an hour or two. Just before you want to punch him in the face. It was busy. People were waiting to tan in whatever bed they were waiting for, the music is a little loud, people are talking, and he's stalking the room. Some poor kid (a guy) falls into the trap of talking to him. I thought they were friends at first. Anyway, he (creepy guy) disappears outside, and I realize he's been doing this for a while. What the Hell is he doing? He's drinking! He's been here about 20 minutes at this point. And finally I catch on. He's getting drunk. At a tanning salon. On a Wednesday.
Whatever I say. He's okay so far and he's *a good tipper (see?) So now I want to get him in, and out as fast as possible. He's getting drunker by the minute, seemingly through osmosis or something. Just existing is making him drunk. At this point I should have called the cops. But I didn't. So as more girls come and go he starts to get more, and more brave. Finally "O" comes in. She's very cute, very sweet, and kinda street smart, and he's asking me about tanning lotions. Which one is the best, which is the most expensive because didn't I tell you? "I'm rich, and an airline pilot." Now that "O" is here he is anyway.
She catches on. And she is a big spender, and since he's trying like Hell to impress her he buys the $75 bottle of top shelf stuff. The stuff she convinced him to buy (Thanks O!). She isn't impressed. So finally after he's done impressing the Hell out of everyone I get him to tan. "Give me the best bed you got!" "I wanna be dark! Help me out!" He's drunk and beginning to piss me off and he's been here now for at least an hour and a half, and I am getting ready to call the cops. I've been avoiding doing this because over all he really does seem like a nice enough guy, but oh. Didn't I tell you? He just spent the last 10 months in prison! So I'm trying to cut the guy a break and not get him hauled off to whatever concrete Hell hole he just got out of because he decided to drink a little. On a Wednesday. At a tanning salon.
It's getting near closing time now, and it's just him and me in here. My paranoia starts to kick in and I figure he's waiting for everyone to leave so he can do whatever un-Godly thing he wants. You know since he's a friggin' criminal and everything. Well he's officially passed out so suddenly, I'm not feeling so threatened. And I hear him start to yell... "HEY P.A.S.T.A. WHEN IS THIS THING GONNA START!!" (he spells my name rather than say it) Hey genius it's over. You passed out. "I WANNA GO AGAIN!!" Fine. Illinois law says you can only go once in a 24 hr period but he's such a big tipper.... In reality I thought if I could give this creep a really good, solid second degree burn I wouldn't see him for a while. If ever again. Mean? Maybe. Whatever.
Finally the door opens he's standing there in the middle of the room, drunk, and flexing. In his underwear. So I tell him, "Hey bud you gotta go it's closing time." The phone is in my hand and I've dialed 9 as in 911"Okay P.a.s.t.a but first you gotta help me, I can't get my belt buckled." Uh sorry. I can't do that. "You know these walls are a nice blue, they match your eyes". Alright dude OUT! So I finally help him to the front door, and he's pretty baked. Like a turkey. Good. Asshole.
On the way out he holds out his hand like a fist bump, but instead he drops $130.00 in my hand. Okay cool. Maybe he is rich, and not just a drunken, lying, ex-con. So I get him out, and lock the door behind him. Keep in mind I'm not exactly a little guy. I am 6'2" and weigh 210 pounds. I work out every day and took the usual Karate lessons for five years, and blah, blah, blah. But whatever, fighting for my life was not on my schedule for that Wednesday so I was relieved when he was out. So I turn my back to finish closing when I hear a tap on the window. "P.a.s.t.a. wanna take a limo home! I'm rich! We'll go out and party!" No dude, go home. " You fucker!" he says as he starts unlocking his bicycle.
No sooner do I turn my back when he dives toward the ground. Like he's doing a cannon ball in the pool or something. I mean doubled over, head first straight down into the mall's river rock garden. And I mean head first. He didn't even put his arms out. His head must've missed the edge of the curb by less than an inch.
I'm Druuuuuuuuuunk!
In fact at first I thought he hit the edge of the curb and killed himself right in front of me because for a few seconds he didn't move. I thought he was dead. Well he comes to and I finally get out of the store, and onto my own bike. No I'm not an ex-con I live 1/2 a mile from here.
"Hey you need an ambulance or something? You alright?"
"No I'm okay. Guys like you and me don't need ambulances." I rode off as fast as I could before he managed to get killed. I figured the cops showed up and took him away as we're on a really busy street and they drive by every five minutes. I didn't know what happened to him.
Until he came in the next morning to tan. Sober. Like nothing happened.
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