GAH IT'S BUSY!

I haven't written anything, and boy do I have stuff to write, because it's so busy around here.

This is the time of year when people think they really need to tan and it seems like the entire planet realizes it all at once. We'll go from 40-60 customers a day, to 100-150 a day. I'm not even counting prom season yet!

But this is when you get the good stories. So I'll be around. Bear with me.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's like New Year's Eve for assholes.

So I Probably Lost a Customer

We are a small place, eight total tanning beds, and a room dedicated for airbrushing fake tans on people (Ooooh! a different post!) . But it's MY place. It's not a chain like most of the places in the area. But, I admit that can lead to a few problems.

First is the limited options it can give some people. Especially the "professional tanners" as I call them. They want to know where the bed was made, who made it, lamps, hours, and on, and on.... a little knowledge is a dangerous thing for them. But it sure makes them look smart! Just come in and get fucking tan would you?! Jesus.

But there is one thing most people don't realize...

TANNING BEDS ARE REALLY, REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

So when I opened this place, it was with the idea that we would soon be out of business, pessimistic I know but that's life in the small business world. So instead of spending $50,000 - no that's not a typo, on one tanning bed, I bought six smaller ones, and left myself the option of buying more expensive ones later. And I did buy two of the more expensive types. Eventually.

Anyway a lady comes in with her daughter for the second time. And they both want to do one of the more expensive beds. Fine. No problem. But "Leather Bag" doesn't want to do the same one she did before. Nothing specific, she "Just didn't like it last time". Too noisy, to big, to something.

Me: Okay, well you can have any one of the other seven.
Leather Bag: Which ones?
Me: Well... There's the Level 2's, The level One's, The Stand Up...
Leather Bag: Are they any good?
Me: No. I only bought crappy beds.
Leather Bag: She just stares at me.

I purchased the beds we have after spying on some of the chain places, and seeing what they used. SO I BOUGHT IDENTICAL EQUIPMENT! It's exactly the same.

I bristle at that question. And on this day she just happened to be the one that asked it. Of course it's a "good bed". It damages your skin just as badly as the others, it just doesn't look as imposing, or admittedly, as impressive. But the effect is exactly the same.

It's that time of year when it gets really super busy in here. And I have to answer the same question 100 times a day to 100 different people. And being asked if our beds are any good - in that nasty, passive aggressive kind of way only a woman can manage, really pisses me off. And this time I just snapped. I didn't yell or anything, but the smart ass in me just came out.

I probably been more diplomatic about it, but, whatever. I'll try to stay open another five years without her $10.

Tomorrow Night!

...and it's gonna be awesome.

And they were.

PARTY COW!!!1!!!1!!!

Party Cow likes to party.

Why Do You Bring Your Kid In Here?!

No not your 13 year old that's lost in some ridiculous PSP (or whatever it's called) game. Not even some eight eight year old that can watch cartoons or something. But a toddler! Is that what it's called? It can walk, mumble, throw shit, and scream and cry. So that must be what it is. I fucking hate kids. Yes, even your special little angel. I can't stand even the sight of it. I have ZERO paternal instincts, and even less patience. I can appreciate that you brought your friend with you so you can each divide the "watching" duties while you're each tanning, but give me a break would you?

You know that fire extinguisher that's hanging on the wall it's fucking with every time you look down at your magazine? It weighs about 35 pounds, and it's barely hanging there. Yeah, well it's gonna fall on your little mutant human and crush it's feet/hands/head. And it keeps tugging at those water cooler handles, and they're either gonna break off and you're gonna buy me a new one, or it's gonna manage, somehow, to tip that 95 pound machine on top of itself and they'll be carrying this miniature pain in the ass off in an ambulance.

Why don't one of you morons stay home while the other tans, and then trade off? Today isn't too terribly bad because we're the only three people in here right now. But when you bring this mewling piece of shit in here it drives me nuts.

It must be very difficult to have kids. THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE/WANT ANY! And I wish you wouldn't foist yours on me, or my business.

I'm Gonna Have Your Ass Towed!

We are two doors down from an AA meeting place. They don't bother most people to much, and being close to a place where people with addictive personalities congregate can have its upside for me (Think "Tanorexia"). But every six weeks or so they get a new batch of DUIs that have to show up for court appointed counseling, or whatever they do in there. And since we're on a really busy street, and have the only private parking on this entire block they think it's okay to park here.

Well guess what, drunk/crackhead/junkie? There are only 24 spaces in the whole lot. So while you don't see what the big deal is, when five or six of you idiots show up, you're taking parking spaces away from my customers. And I'm already fighting with the restaurant for the two hours a day when they're really busy. And if my customers can't come in here they won't spend any money and then I have a problem.

I've been fighting the urge to tow somebody again, but the last time I did it, it seemed to drive the point home with a lot of you selfish morons. I felt a little bad about it for a while. It must suck getting handed a $175.00 tow bill after begging for a ride from someone, to that shit hole that is Cicero, Illinois where the tow yard is, but I got over it, and I might have to start doing it again. And I have been trying to be nice about it, you know telling you, "you can't park here", and all of that, but some of you are Jones-ing for whatever your recreational drug of choice is, and I'm sick of the confrontations. Plus it's gonna get really, really busy in here any day. It happens just that fast too. We'll go from 50-70 people a day in here, to 125-150 a day almost literally overnight. Where are we supposed to put all of their cars? If you don't get the hint soon, it's gonna suck to be you. Even more than usual I mean.

You've been warned.