While We're on the Subject

As soon as this show began, I noticed an uptick in our male customers. The show must have made tanning less "gay" to them or something. But if you want some idea of the kinda people that watch this piece of shit show just spend the day in here.

They're meat-heads, bordering on retarded. On a personal level they seem nice enough, But I sometimes catch myself talking to them the way you would talk to a three legged dog. You know what I mean?

"Oh look at the poor doggie!" "Poor baby I hope you're okay now!" You know what I mean?

Ugh. I hope this little pop culture phenomena ends just as quickly as it started.

Yeah. It Wasn't My Idea...

...and I don't like it either. I've never had a new federal law affect me personally, or so directly until now. But the guy you should send your complaints to is at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, not here. This was his bright idea.

It is what it is. And really it's only 10%. As much as it bugs me, it added a whole, whopping dollar to our single session tans. I did my best to keep it inexpensive, and even tried to eat the tax myself so you wouldn't have to pay it. But let's try this mathematically shall we?

To you it's an extra $1. But for me you have to multiply that by 50-80 times on an average day. And that's not including any spray tans, or unlimited months that we sell which could be anywhere from an additional $2, to and extra $6 each. So that can be $60-$150 a day. Every day. I don't know how much money you cheapskates think we bring in here, but that's too much for me to pay.

And you know what really bugs me the most about all of this? I spent at least two months warning everyone that this was gonna happen. I used our website, or Facebook page - Hell, I even had a sign posted in the salon. No one bothered to notice. Frankly a purple alligator could be sleeping in most people's beds and they wouldn't notice, so I guess I don't blame you really.

No, the thing that irritates me the most is that no matter how many times I said this, or how many signs I put up, you decided I was lying, or joking, or just wanted to raise the price, and you didn't listen. But that fat, troll like retard "Snooki" mentions it one time, and it's like Moses preaching you the Gospel. I'm afraid the tax is probably here to stay. And someone has to pay it. Wanna guess who that's gonna be? That's right. You.

Stop at the Bank First Wouldja?

A $50 bill!? At 10:04 in the morning for a $3 purchase?! I unlocked the door seven minutes ago. Are you a retard or what? This isn't Bank of America lady, gimme a break would ya? I have a grand total of about $60 left in the register when I open in the morning. We're a small business, and I can't have hundreds of dollars in small bills just sitting around.

If I change your $50 now, that means for the next four to six hours I can't make change for anybody. I can't leave to go get that changed at the bank. I know you weren't really thinking but you're not a new customer. It might not be a problem in April, or May, but it's a problem in August.

Yes It Works Goddamit

We opened nearly five years ago. And in that time, almost 200,000 tanning sessions have taken place. And out of aaaaalllllllll those people, guess what? Yep. You're the first one that the beds didn't work on! Isn't that amazing? All of those people gave me money for no good reason. They were completely and totally unsatisfied. Frankly, I don't know how we've managed to stay in business this long.

Sorry. I'm lying. You're a stupid-ass. I've said this before, and I guess I'll have to say it again. Tanning beds aren't "Magic Browning Boxes". It might require more than two, or three sessions. It f-cking works. You have red hair, pale skin, and you're at least 45 years old. It is just not gonna be as easy for you tan. I know it sucks but there it is.

State law forces me to put posters on the wall that say, and I quote..."If you don't tan in the sun, you are unlikely to tan from the use of this product."

I really don't know what else to tell you at this point. Seriously, if you're so unhappy, why in the world do you keep coming back here? If it's just to complain please stop. I don't care enough about you to add whether or not you're getting a tan to the litany of other far more important problems I have.

Why Won't My Legs Get Tan?!

I don't know. Why? Is this a trick question? Am I a dermatologist? You're right though you look nice and tan, but you're legs are still white as ghosts. But I don't have an answer for everything.

Maybe you're a freak.

Legs and faces DO tend to be more difficult to tan, because they tend to be more lean. There's less fat there, and tanning is tied in with the amount of fat in your body, and the pH of your your blood. I know it sounds totally made up but it's true. That's why your stomach always gets so dark so fast. Even if your really thin, there's still a lot of fat cells in your abdominal area, simply because it's such a big area so that's why it's so "black".

Maybe you're getting older. Your skin loses elasticity, and the ability to repair itself over time. That's why you get wrinkles. The body is less interested in protecting itself now, than it was 25 years ago. Or maybe you have bad circulation. Are you diabetic? Diabetics lose there legs because their circulation is so poor. But I offered a partial solution. They make lotions designed just for legs because they are notoriously difficult to tan. A sample is a whopping $3.26 and guess what?

You passed. Why? Because you're a cheapskate, and you probably need something to bitch about. So what can I say? Wear long pants I guess. Besides your like 60 years old. No one is looking at your legs anymore.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's like New Year's Eve for assholes.

Why Do You Bring Your Kid In Here?!

No not your 13 year old that's lost in some ridiculous PSP (or whatever it's called) game. Not even some eight eight year old that can watch cartoons or something. But a toddler! Is that what it's called? It can walk, mumble, throw shit, and scream and cry. So that must be what it is. I fucking hate kids. Yes, even your special little angel. I can't stand even the sight of it. I have ZERO paternal instincts, and even less patience. I can appreciate that you brought your friend with you so you can each divide the "watching" duties while you're each tanning, but give me a break would you?

You know that fire extinguisher that's hanging on the wall it's fucking with every time you look down at your magazine? It weighs about 35 pounds, and it's barely hanging there. Yeah, well it's gonna fall on your little mutant human and crush it's feet/hands/head. And it keeps tugging at those water cooler handles, and they're either gonna break off and you're gonna buy me a new one, or it's gonna manage, somehow, to tip that 95 pound machine on top of itself and they'll be carrying this miniature pain in the ass off in an ambulance.

Why don't one of you morons stay home while the other tans, and then trade off? Today isn't too terribly bad because we're the only three people in here right now. But when you bring this mewling piece of shit in here it drives me nuts.

It must be very difficult to have kids. THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE/WANT ANY! And I wish you wouldn't foist yours on me, or my business.

Oh No the Floor is wet?!

Yeah sorry about that. It snowed 15 inches just last week, and the floor is wet because you waited until you came inside to stomp the snow off of your shoes. Then when you took them off you set them right next to a tanning bed that's been running non-stop all day and is as hot as a standard pizza oven.

I'll mop it up as soon as you leave, but you see, I'm not really supposed to go in the room while you're in there. And you will be like the tenth person to tell me... "Why don't you get rugs for the rooms?" Why? Because at the end of the night I'm stuck cleaning up 10 soaking wet, smelly rugs.

Plus most people can't walk and chew gum at the same time. The last thing I want is someone tripping over a rug and bashing their face into a glass filled tanning bed. I'm waiting to get sued every second of the day as it is, I don't need to worry about that too. Oh and everyone else that comes in will complain that the rug in the room is wet. See how that works? So I'm gonna stick with what's easiest for me. Just keeping this place going is enough of a pain in the ass as it is. Don't believe me? Hand me $250,000 or $300,000 and I'll hand you the keys, and you'll never find me.

I already told you once

I told you you can't use that lotion in here. It's a pump. You know the kind. The kind you spray on? It's a pump so you can spray parts of you, you couldn't otherwise reach I guess. Plus, you moron, it's got an SPF of eight. EIGHT! The SPF stands for Sun Protection Factor. Each number increases the amount of time you can spend in the Sun without burning. SPF1 means one hour, SPF2 means two hours and so on. Why in God's name would you pay money to go tanning, only to slather yourself in sunblock?! Doesn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose? Here's an idea, next time just come in, hand me some money, and then walk out. It's the exact same thing except you save yourself the hassle of getting undressed and stuff.

The chemicals that make up the SPF damage our beds! Our very, very expensive beds. When I saw you had it the first time I told you you couldn't use it here for that very reason. Fine you said. Oh of course you were all miffed, and irritated but you tanned anyway. Then you came back today and thought you were being sneaky and sneaked it in in your purse. Well guess what genius, IT'S GOT A PUMP! It was all over the wall, the bed top, and the floor. Thanks by the way because without seeing it I almost broke my neck because once it hits the floor it's like walking on an ice skating rink. So thanks for thinking I'm a complete idiot and I would somehow miss this.

So as much as I hate to do this I'm gonna kick your ass out of here for good. We'll try to stay open for business another five years without your $12.

GAAAAAHHHHHH!

We can't make him look like them

I know you've been here two whole times. I know you've now tanned in a bed a total of 30 minutes in the past six months now. Yeah I know you're not tan yet. Guess what? You looked like Edgar Winter's pale younger brother when you first walked in here. You might have to go a few more times. Yes, yes I know the wedding is in three days, but you should've been in here two weeks ago. And you know what? you might have to spend a little extra money on a stronger bed. I know, I know you get tan "in like 2 minutes outside"! Well you're not outside. Next time don't wait until the last minute.

Stop being a creep!

You're making the girls uncomfortable. Yes they're young. Yes they're hot. Yes they're personable, and smart. I hired them for those reasons. But they think you're "a creepo". Besides, they're MY girls, and frankly I feel a little protective. They don't want to date you. You're old enough to be their father. At least. Even I think you're a little weird. I can't imagine what it'd be like to be hit on by you.

Oh and remember that time you brought in that woman you were cheating on your wife with? Remember I met her? And I imagine she's actually better looking than your wife, right? Yeah the girls that work here are WAAAY out of your league anyway. So by all means keep coming in. Just stop hitting on the girls.

Hey Pasta! How do you work the radio in here?

Really? How do you work the radio?? Radio technology has changed very little in the last 100 years or so.

1. Power on.

2. Choose AM or FM

3. Choose station.

4. Enjoy the sound that comes out of speakers.

Dumb-ass

What are you doing in there !?

Thanks but I don't need a new window in that wall. And you know that tanning bed you were just lying in? Yeah that thing costs like $25,000. So while you can borrow it for the next fifteen minutes or so, DON'T FUCKING BREAK IT ASSHOLE!

Get undressed, lay in the bed, tan, get dressed get the fuck out! What's the matter with you people?

Oh. And those doors? They slide open, and closed. You had to slide it closed to close it, why are you trying to swing it open? You're gonna knock that whole collapsible wall down! I know you think you're so hot I want to keep you prisoner. Well guess what? You aren't, and I don't. I'd have to feed you. A lot apparently. And I don't want that.

Huh?

Someone want to explain this to me?

1. It's cold, the water's cold.

2. That greenhorn is an idiot.

3. Boy this job sure is dangerous!

4. Look how much money I make!

If you like this show you're a retard.

Can I have my Discovery Channel back please? Without the fisherman, the Truck Drivers on Ice, and the lumberjacks? I guess it would be easy to ignore if these shows weren't the only ones they ever seem to show anymore. Isn't that what TLC is for?