Big Money.

Alright. So I talked to the people where I want to put my bar. Luckily it's a family owned building, as opposed to some faceless corporate owned place, so that definitely has it's advantages. But the site is actually much bigger than I thought. 9500 square feet to be exact.

It's not too big for what I want, the problems with a big place like that begin with the rent. The people that own the place were totally on board with my idea with putting a bar in there, which is actually a good first step. Not a lot makes me nervous, but I was very nervous when I called them because I didn't want them to think a bar was a bad idea and say no. They actually seemed excited by the idea. So hurdle one? Gone.

I admit that I fibbed just a little and told them that I wanted to put a sports bar in there, when nothing could be further from the truth. I would rather be f-cking dead than be surrounded by meat-headed sports fans 15 hours a day. And believe me the last thing this world needs is another sports bar. They'd find me hanging from an electrical cord in the back two weeks after we opened, but they'd get over that little lie.

The real issue begins with their asking price. $20 a square foot. It's really not that bad, it's just that there's a lot of square feet. So commercial rent works like this, square feet x price/12 = monthly rent. So...

9500 x $20 = 190,000 /12 = $15,833.33 a month. Every month.

It's an intimidating number. And that's just the rent. A sound system for the kind of place I want could also be very expensive. Oh sure I found one on eBay. The price? $65,000. Used. So you see why this little dream starts to look really distant. I might be able to scale this back a little, but that would defeat the vision that I have in my head. But I'll die trying to make this happen.

Uh... Two Feet of Snow Fell Yesterday.

Remember all that snow? Remember the wind gusts of almost 70 mph? Of course you do. It was yesterday. I know you were so desperate to tan that you thought I should be here, sitting, just waiting for you to show up. All of this despite the fact that the snow was coming down two inches an hour at my house too. Some drifts were so deep, in fact, that it was past my waist.

Yeah and we had no phone, no cable, no internet, nothing.

I do appreciate the fact that you at least called to see if we were open first. It just boggles the mind that you would actually think we were open. They shut down the f-cking airport for God's sake.

God you f-cking people suck.

Wanna Spray Tan Appointment?

Cool, what time? 7:30? Yeah that'll be a good time actually, the girl is available. But guess what moron? I gotta pay that girl that made a special trip in just to spray you. If you're gonna make an appointment, at least cancel it so I'm not out any money for absolutely no reason. This is a business, and I have more expenses than you can imagine. Having to pay someone for work that won't get done, and then actually not getting paid for that same non-existent work hurts.

Wanna know how it feels? Crumple up a $10 dollar bill and throw it into a sewer. It's exactly the same as you not showing up for an appointment. But don't worry about it, because I'm a millionaire right?

I Just Ordered Something Online...

Wow that's really great. I'm glad you saved 10 whole dollars, but guess what dumb ass? We only sell two things here. Tans, and lotion. And when you tell me you ordered something online, as opposed to buying it here, we don't get to stay in business very long and it really pisses me off.

How does this sound? Next time you buy a lotion online, try tanning online too.

Oh, and by the way. That lotion you bought at such a great price? Yeah it isn't manufactured anymore. Even I can't get it, that's why we no longer carry it. So good luck with whatever is in that bottle. I hope that whatever sh-t the Filipinos had laying around and pumped into that bottle doesn't make you break out in hives, or whatever God awful skin rash it might give you.

On second thought, that cheap sh-t wreaks havoc on our acrylics, and those things get real expensive for me real fast, so I hope you do get Ebola or something from it. And when we go out of business because you wanted to save $10, you can take your online lotion, and go spend $28 on a single session at Big Chain Salon.

Asshole.

You're not supposed to be "Black".

Sorry I haven't been around, but really the day, to day stuff is boring, and for the most part it's the same thing day in, and day out. Ahhh the exciting life of a business owner.

With the holidays coming, and going now it's been kinda busy, so even if I wanted to write something I wouldn't have had time anyway. But we get a lot of requests for spray tans this time of year because, for whatever reason, the holidays really snuck up on everybody this year. Hell New Year's Eve is in two days. I'm still surprised by that.

Well, anyway, I would have thought by now that after being here for five years people would start to get the hang of all this tanning stuff, but guess what?

A lady comes in the other day, and says she wants to get a spray tan. Cool.

"How dark do you wanna be?"

"Dark."

"Well I just got sprayed the other day, do you want to be like me? Or darker?"

"You just got sprayed?! How come you're not black?!"

(Hate, and murder are welling up inside me.)

"Well... I don't get sprayed very dark. I don't want to look like I just got sprayed."

"Oh. Well I want to be darker than that."

"Fine. No problem. It's your money, it's your body. I'll make you blue if you want."

A spray tan, or any tan for that matter isn't supposed to be a life changing event. The best example of how it's supposed to work is something that happened the other day. As the spray tan wears off, my natural skin color (notebook paper) comes through. Well, after a few days of looking like a ghost I got just my face sprayed darker. Just a little bit. That afternoon someone came in and asked me what I had done. Actually she asked me if I'd gotten a facial (!) as if I'm that kinda guy? I guess?

And that's how it's supposed to work. It's exactly like make up. No should notice you're wearing it. Please believe me, if you are a Norwegian blonde one day, and turn up the next looking like a migrant farm worker, people are gonna notice. And not in a good way.

While We're on the Subject

As soon as this show began, I noticed an uptick in our male customers. The show must have made tanning less "gay" to them or something. But if you want some idea of the kinda people that watch this piece of shit show just spend the day in here.

They're meat-heads, bordering on retarded. On a personal level they seem nice enough, But I sometimes catch myself talking to them the way you would talk to a three legged dog. You know what I mean?

"Oh look at the poor doggie!" "Poor baby I hope you're okay now!" You know what I mean?

Ugh. I hope this little pop culture phenomena ends just as quickly as it started.

Who Do You Think You Are?!

You know, you seemed like a nice kid. You seemed sweet enough, and always friendly. But what the fuck? You come in here SCREAMING at my girls because you don't wanna pay the tax?! On the one day I'm not here too. Imagine that. What is your problem? Are you mentally defective or something? This shouldn't have been news to you as being 15 years old, I'm sure "Jersey Shore" is the height of culture to you. And your hero Snookie is all up in arms over this.

I have to assume the way you were behaving means one of three things.

1. You are young, and think that's the way to get businesses to listen to you (it is not).

2. You are young, and you were trying to impress that piece of shit wigger boyfriend of yours. I am sure he thought you were cool.

3. You are mentally unbalanced, and might fly off the handle and assault me, a customer, or one of the employees for even the most minor misunderstanding.

I'm just gonna be safe and go with number 3 to keep me from getting involved in your eventual mental breakdown.

When you demanded a full refund at the top of your lungs and pronounced that "I'm going to Big Chain Salon", I figured there's really no better place for you because no one comes in here and behaves like that. I didn't invest almost $200,000 dollars, and the last five years of my life to be screamed at by some half witted 15 year old.

Have a nice life.

And when you go to "Big Chain Salon"? Tell them I said hi.

How About a Quart of Water With Your 70 Amps?

Today everybody walks around carrying giant bottles of water, HUGE cans of Monster energy drink, Red Bull, and on, and on...

We must be the most hydrated society in the history of the planet. The one thing that absolutely must stop is bringing that stuff in the tanning rooms with you. I had to put my foot down and started telling people they have to leave it outside, or in the lobby.

First of all, there are health department regulations in Illinois that says no food, or drink is allowed in the salon. Secondly as I've said in the past, tanning beds are really f-cking expensive, and I don't want to be vacuuming Dorito crumbs (seriously) out of my tanning beds. You can't stop shoving crap into your face for 15 minutes?

And third, our biggest tanning beds require 70 amps(!) of electricity at "start up". For the first few milliseconds after you hit the start button it's substantially more. Like upwards of 90 amps. In case you weren't aware, that is what is known in the electrical trade as a sh-t ton. For an example, my mothers entire house is run on 100 amps. So 65- 100mA WILL KILL YOU. That little "m" ,by the way, stands for thousandths. In other words, roughly 1/2 an amp will stop your f-cking heart.

I have a great idea. Why not stand in your shower with a running hairdryer balanced on the edge of the bathtub? Oh and again tanning beds are really expensive, and they are electrical. If you dump your stupid bottle of water into one of my tanning beds, you better hope you get electrocuted. Because if you don't get shocked to death, I'm gonna cut your head off.

Stop at the Bank First Wouldja?

A $50 bill!? At 10:04 in the morning for a $3 purchase?! I unlocked the door seven minutes ago. Are you a retard or what? This isn't Bank of America lady, gimme a break would ya? I have a grand total of about $60 left in the register when I open in the morning. We're a small business, and I can't have hundreds of dollars in small bills just sitting around.

If I change your $50 now, that means for the next four to six hours I can't make change for anybody. I can't leave to go get that changed at the bank. I know you weren't really thinking but you're not a new customer. It might not be a problem in April, or May, but it's a problem in August.

Yes It Works Goddamit

We opened nearly five years ago. And in that time, almost 200,000 tanning sessions have taken place. And out of aaaaalllllllll those people, guess what? Yep. You're the first one that the beds didn't work on! Isn't that amazing? All of those people gave me money for no good reason. They were completely and totally unsatisfied. Frankly, I don't know how we've managed to stay in business this long.

Sorry. I'm lying. You're a stupid-ass. I've said this before, and I guess I'll have to say it again. Tanning beds aren't "Magic Browning Boxes". It might require more than two, or three sessions. It f-cking works. You have red hair, pale skin, and you're at least 45 years old. It is just not gonna be as easy for you tan. I know it sucks but there it is.

State law forces me to put posters on the wall that say, and I quote..."If you don't tan in the sun, you are unlikely to tan from the use of this product."

I really don't know what else to tell you at this point. Seriously, if you're so unhappy, why in the world do you keep coming back here? If it's just to complain please stop. I don't care enough about you to add whether or not you're getting a tan to the litany of other far more important problems I have.

Why Won't My Legs Get Tan?!

I don't know. Why? Is this a trick question? Am I a dermatologist? You're right though you look nice and tan, but you're legs are still white as ghosts. But I don't have an answer for everything.

Maybe you're a freak.

Legs and faces DO tend to be more difficult to tan, because they tend to be more lean. There's less fat there, and tanning is tied in with the amount of fat in your body, and the pH of your your blood. I know it sounds totally made up but it's true. That's why your stomach always gets so dark so fast. Even if your really thin, there's still a lot of fat cells in your abdominal area, simply because it's such a big area so that's why it's so "black".

Maybe you're getting older. Your skin loses elasticity, and the ability to repair itself over time. That's why you get wrinkles. The body is less interested in protecting itself now, than it was 25 years ago. Or maybe you have bad circulation. Are you diabetic? Diabetics lose there legs because their circulation is so poor. But I offered a partial solution. They make lotions designed just for legs because they are notoriously difficult to tan. A sample is a whopping $3.26 and guess what?

You passed. Why? Because you're a cheapskate, and you probably need something to bitch about. So what can I say? Wear long pants I guess. Besides your like 60 years old. No one is looking at your legs anymore.

Why Are You Calling ME?!?!

We're a tanning salon for God's sake. What IS the big deal? Stop in, get a tan, leave.

I -easily- get 25 phone calls a day. No we don't take appointments (for the 3rd time). The store hours are in big white letters on the door you went through yesterday, and every day before that for the last two weeks. In fact you called and asked what our hours were TWO DAYS AGO.

The hours we are open are on our website, on the card you took and put in that suitcase you call a purse, they're even on our Facebook page. Short of tattooing them on your forehead, what else can I do?

And I know it's smart to call ahead, but calling and asking if it's busy, or if there's a long wait, doesn't mean there won't be a long wait, or that it won't be busy when you show up an hour later. And no, that IS NOT an appointment. By the time you got here, I already forgotten I talked to you. You could have told me you were my long lost sister, and I wouldn't have remembered.

You know what helps with the crowds? SKIPPING A DAY here and there. Shit. I know you paid $39.00 for an unlimited month of tanning, but Jesus H Tap Dancing Christ. Give it a rest every two days or so. And getting aggravated at me because four people showed up before you doesn't help.

I know you think there's a bed being kept open, and unused with the hopes that you'll grace us with your presence, but I need more than one cheapskate customer to stay in business.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's like New Year's Eve for assholes.

Why Do You Bring Your Kid In Here?!

No not your 13 year old that's lost in some ridiculous PSP (or whatever it's called) game. Not even some eight eight year old that can watch cartoons or something. But a toddler! Is that what it's called? It can walk, mumble, throw shit, and scream and cry. So that must be what it is. I fucking hate kids. Yes, even your special little angel. I can't stand even the sight of it. I have ZERO paternal instincts, and even less patience. I can appreciate that you brought your friend with you so you can each divide the "watching" duties while you're each tanning, but give me a break would you?

You know that fire extinguisher that's hanging on the wall it's fucking with every time you look down at your magazine? It weighs about 35 pounds, and it's barely hanging there. Yeah, well it's gonna fall on your little mutant human and crush it's feet/hands/head. And it keeps tugging at those water cooler handles, and they're either gonna break off and you're gonna buy me a new one, or it's gonna manage, somehow, to tip that 95 pound machine on top of itself and they'll be carrying this miniature pain in the ass off in an ambulance.

Why don't one of you morons stay home while the other tans, and then trade off? Today isn't too terribly bad because we're the only three people in here right now. But when you bring this mewling piece of shit in here it drives me nuts.

It must be very difficult to have kids. THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE/WANT ANY! And I wish you wouldn't foist yours on me, or my business.

I'm Gonna Have Your Ass Towed!

We are two doors down from an AA meeting place. They don't bother most people to much, and being close to a place where people with addictive personalities congregate can have its upside for me (Think "Tanorexia"). But every six weeks or so they get a new batch of DUIs that have to show up for court appointed counseling, or whatever they do in there. And since we're on a really busy street, and have the only private parking on this entire block they think it's okay to park here.

Well guess what, drunk/crackhead/junkie? There are only 24 spaces in the whole lot. So while you don't see what the big deal is, when five or six of you idiots show up, you're taking parking spaces away from my customers. And I'm already fighting with the restaurant for the two hours a day when they're really busy. And if my customers can't come in here they won't spend any money and then I have a problem.

I've been fighting the urge to tow somebody again, but the last time I did it, it seemed to drive the point home with a lot of you selfish morons. I felt a little bad about it for a while. It must suck getting handed a $175.00 tow bill after begging for a ride from someone, to that shit hole that is Cicero, Illinois where the tow yard is, but I got over it, and I might have to start doing it again. And I have been trying to be nice about it, you know telling you, "you can't park here", and all of that, but some of you are Jones-ing for whatever your recreational drug of choice is, and I'm sick of the confrontations. Plus it's gonna get really, really busy in here any day. It happens just that fast too. We'll go from 50-70 people a day in here, to 125-150 a day almost literally overnight. Where are we supposed to put all of their cars? If you don't get the hint soon, it's gonna suck to be you. Even more than usual I mean.

You've been warned.

He hates me!!! (Boo Hoo.What a Fag)

When I opened this place, I didn't realize how slow it would get in here at times. Well it does. I could easily go an hour in the summer without seeing a customer, sometimes two. So to pass the time I started going to celebrity gossip sites. You know all Lindsay/Jessica Simpson all the time, that kind of thing. Well a few months ago, one of these sites said Hey! be our fan on Facebook. So I did. The fan page is just like the site. You can read the stories, comment the whole bit.

Well, somewhere along the way I noticed the stories were the same four, or five people all the time. It was *kinda* funny writing so I hung around for a while. Then I started to notice that the commenters would simply copy, and paste a "funny" line or joke from the writers story into their comment and type LOL. You know what I mean? It was lame. Then I noticed most of the stories were lame. Then I decided the whole site was pretty lame. Well anyway, I started commenting, and I worked hard at it. I wanted to out-funny this dimwit, and all of those other brainless commenters. And guess what? I did. But I didn't realize it really until someone friend requested me from the page. And then mentioned they'd e-mailed the writer asking him if he was me.

It turns out that other people were also e-mailing the site to find out if I was the writer of the site. (He's anonymous. But on Facebook your name and picture show up.) So I think people thought I was him trolling his own comment section.

I guess this got his tampon all sideways or something, because he started writing back-handed shit after my comments. And then either him, or his cousin, or little brother, or someone, would start commenting, after MY comments things like..."Everyone hates you Pasta", or "You're not funny and everyone hates you" It was insane, sad, and laughable all at the same time. What a joke, and what a total loser. I don't know why he just didn't ban me outright. Wouldn't that have been easier? I'm still a fan and I show up once in a while just to let him know I'm still around, and to give him grief. But it's still as lame as ever, with new tales (sometimes two!) everyday about Lindsay Lohan. Besides Deceiver.com is where it's at.

GAAAAAHHHHHH!

We can't make him look like them

I know you've been here two whole times. I know you've now tanned in a bed a total of 30 minutes in the past six months now. Yeah I know you're not tan yet. Guess what? You looked like Edgar Winter's pale younger brother when you first walked in here. You might have to go a few more times. Yes, yes I know the wedding is in three days, but you should've been in here two weeks ago. And you know what? you might have to spend a little extra money on a stronger bed. I know, I know you get tan "in like 2 minutes outside"! Well you're not outside. Next time don't wait until the last minute.

Hey Pasta! How do you work the radio in here?

Really? How do you work the radio?? Radio technology has changed very little in the last 100 years or so.

1. Power on.

2. Choose AM or FM

3. Choose station.

4. Enjoy the sound that comes out of speakers.

Dumb-ass

Seperated at Birth?

I can never tell. Is that racist?