Thick Skin or Crazy?

Having owned 3 businesses now, and hoping soon to move onto a fourth I've noticed something about myself. I like the interaction with people, I like being around people, and being the center of attention. Of course I've always sort of been that way, that's probably why I own businesses instead of working for others. But after all the hassles, and the headaches, and the dealing with the 15% of people that make life miserable for everyone, I've started to worry that it's making me a little crazy. Seriously.

I don't know how to fix this. Is this what happens to business owners? Does it evolve over time? Is it from dealing with the public, or having employees? I like people in general, I really do. But I like them even more when they do what I say. It sounds crazy right?

Do all business owners, CEO's, and managers get like this? Do you just get so used to people doing what you tell them that you just expect it from everyone? Or is the pressure, and the stress causing it? You wouldn't think tanning would be all that stressful, and really it isn't. The act of tanning itself isn't stressful, but owning the business can be. I have to find a way to switch this off. There must be a way. Hey I'm even gonna give myself the "Asshole" tag.

Recognizing the problem is the first step right? I don't mean crazy in the sense like I'm seeing things, or hallucinating or anything nutso like that. But I find myself talking to people, like customers for instance, and seeing them only as customers. Objects. Give me your money, tan, and get out. I don't think about them at all once they walk out the door. Not one iota. You might think that sounds normal, but we're a customer-centric kinda business. There are people that have been coming here since the day we opened so I've literally known them for years. How come I don't care about them? I've become so hard towards people now that I have very little, to no empathy for them.

Not far from here, one customer drunkenly walked in front of a train on the way home from a local bar. C.K. was his name. Obviously he was killed. I liked him. We got along well. He was a straight shooter, an ex-boxer, sort of a rough around the edges kind of guy. You knew what you were getting from him. There was no pretense. If he didn't like you you knew it. Likewise if he liked you, you knew it too. In mobster movies he'd be a "stand up guy". And yet I never think about him until I drive past the makeshift shrine they built for him out of flowers near the spot where he was killed. I suppose it's normal in that instance but it seems to go much deeper than that for me. I don't know.

Maybe I just need a long vacation.

Wanna Spray Tan Appointment?

Cool, what time? 7:30? Yeah that'll be a good time actually, the girl is available. But guess what moron? I gotta pay that girl that made a special trip in just to spray you. If you're gonna make an appointment, at least cancel it so I'm not out any money for absolutely no reason. This is a business, and I have more expenses than you can imagine. Having to pay someone for work that won't get done, and then actually not getting paid for that same non-existent work hurts.

Wanna know how it feels? Crumple up a $10 dollar bill and throw it into a sewer. It's exactly the same as you not showing up for an appointment. But don't worry about it, because I'm a millionaire right?

Who Do You Think You Are?!

You know, you seemed like a nice kid. You seemed sweet enough, and always friendly. But what the fuck? You come in here SCREAMING at my girls because you don't wanna pay the tax?! On the one day I'm not here too. Imagine that. What is your problem? Are you mentally defective or something? This shouldn't have been news to you as being 15 years old, I'm sure "Jersey Shore" is the height of culture to you. And your hero Snookie is all up in arms over this.

I have to assume the way you were behaving means one of three things.

1. You are young, and think that's the way to get businesses to listen to you (it is not).

2. You are young, and you were trying to impress that piece of shit wigger boyfriend of yours. I am sure he thought you were cool.

3. You are mentally unbalanced, and might fly off the handle and assault me, a customer, or one of the employees for even the most minor misunderstanding.

I'm just gonna be safe and go with number 3 to keep me from getting involved in your eventual mental breakdown.

When you demanded a full refund at the top of your lungs and pronounced that "I'm going to Big Chain Salon", I figured there's really no better place for you because no one comes in here and behaves like that. I didn't invest almost $200,000 dollars, and the last five years of my life to be screamed at by some half witted 15 year old.

Have a nice life.

And when you go to "Big Chain Salon"? Tell them I said hi.

Yes It Works Goddamit

We opened nearly five years ago. And in that time, almost 200,000 tanning sessions have taken place. And out of aaaaalllllllll those people, guess what? Yep. You're the first one that the beds didn't work on! Isn't that amazing? All of those people gave me money for no good reason. They were completely and totally unsatisfied. Frankly, I don't know how we've managed to stay in business this long.

Sorry. I'm lying. You're a stupid-ass. I've said this before, and I guess I'll have to say it again. Tanning beds aren't "Magic Browning Boxes". It might require more than two, or three sessions. It f-cking works. You have red hair, pale skin, and you're at least 45 years old. It is just not gonna be as easy for you tan. I know it sucks but there it is.

State law forces me to put posters on the wall that say, and I quote..."If you don't tan in the sun, you are unlikely to tan from the use of this product."

I really don't know what else to tell you at this point. Seriously, if you're so unhappy, why in the world do you keep coming back here? If it's just to complain please stop. I don't care enough about you to add whether or not you're getting a tan to the litany of other far more important problems I have.

Why Are You Calling ME?!?!

We're a tanning salon for God's sake. What IS the big deal? Stop in, get a tan, leave.

I -easily- get 25 phone calls a day. No we don't take appointments (for the 3rd time). The store hours are in big white letters on the door you went through yesterday, and every day before that for the last two weeks. In fact you called and asked what our hours were TWO DAYS AGO.

The hours we are open are on our website, on the card you took and put in that suitcase you call a purse, they're even on our Facebook page. Short of tattooing them on your forehead, what else can I do?

And I know it's smart to call ahead, but calling and asking if it's busy, or if there's a long wait, doesn't mean there won't be a long wait, or that it won't be busy when you show up an hour later. And no, that IS NOT an appointment. By the time you got here, I already forgotten I talked to you. You could have told me you were my long lost sister, and I wouldn't have remembered.

You know what helps with the crowds? SKIPPING A DAY here and there. Shit. I know you paid $39.00 for an unlimited month of tanning, but Jesus H Tap Dancing Christ. Give it a rest every two days or so. And getting aggravated at me because four people showed up before you doesn't help.

I know you think there's a bed being kept open, and unused with the hopes that you'll grace us with your presence, but I need more than one cheapskate customer to stay in business.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's like New Year's Eve for assholes.

You Aren't Good Looking Enough...

to be as much of a jerk that you are. I know you're attractive physically. In fact the first time I saw you my initial reaction was "Holy -". Bikini model body, the best fake boobs money could buy always dressed nicely. You know the kind. She looks exactly like one of those girls you might see in a trendy nightclub. Even at 11am on a Tuesday. But then you ruin it all by talking. Jesus what an asshole. I can't imagine what it's like to live with you.

Imagine her, better looking, and also The World's Biggest Asshole.

You are constantly bitching about having to wait, about the cost, or about whatever your miserable life throws at you today. And you're kinda mean too. What a fucking Prima Donna. Really, you went from being someone I thought I could hold up as the kind of upscale clientele that we appeal to, to the ugliest woman I have ever met. For real. The only upside is that I know you are the one that has to get up everyday, and see your own miserable face in the mirror.

The really, really bad part though, is that your 17 year old daughter (yep she's 41 but she could pass for 31) is taking after you. Probably thinking you're cool or something. And I don't mean kinda I mean exactly like you. The downside for her is, the poor kid is, somehow, kinda homely. So not one single, solitary guy is gonna put up with it. Unlike the ones that might put up with you because of your physical attributes. But she'll be alone collecting cats, and Hummel Figurines by the time shes 26. At least she'll know who to blame when she's in therapy.

UPDATE 11/28! She was here today, and a bigger jerk than usual.

I already told you once

I told you you can't use that lotion in here. It's a pump. You know the kind. The kind you spray on? It's a pump so you can spray parts of you, you couldn't otherwise reach I guess. Plus, you moron, it's got an SPF of eight. EIGHT! The SPF stands for Sun Protection Factor. Each number increases the amount of time you can spend in the Sun without burning. SPF1 means one hour, SPF2 means two hours and so on. Why in God's name would you pay money to go tanning, only to slather yourself in sunblock?! Doesn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose? Here's an idea, next time just come in, hand me some money, and then walk out. It's the exact same thing except you save yourself the hassle of getting undressed and stuff.

The chemicals that make up the SPF damage our beds! Our very, very expensive beds. When I saw you had it the first time I told you you couldn't use it here for that very reason. Fine you said. Oh of course you were all miffed, and irritated but you tanned anyway. Then you came back today and thought you were being sneaky and sneaked it in in your purse. Well guess what genius, IT'S GOT A PUMP! It was all over the wall, the bed top, and the floor. Thanks by the way because without seeing it I almost broke my neck because once it hits the floor it's like walking on an ice skating rink. So thanks for thinking I'm a complete idiot and I would somehow miss this.

So as much as I hate to do this I'm gonna kick your ass out of here for good. We'll try to stay open for business another five years without your $12.

What are you doing in there !?

Thanks but I don't need a new window in that wall. And you know that tanning bed you were just lying in? Yeah that thing costs like $25,000. So while you can borrow it for the next fifteen minutes or so, DON'T FUCKING BREAK IT ASSHOLE!

Get undressed, lay in the bed, tan, get dressed get the fuck out! What's the matter with you people?

Oh. And those doors? They slide open, and closed. You had to slide it closed to close it, why are you trying to swing it open? You're gonna knock that whole collapsible wall down! I know you think you're so hot I want to keep you prisoner. Well guess what? You aren't, and I don't. I'd have to feed you. A lot apparently. And I don't want that.

Last Minute Guy

We close at 10 o'clock. Everyday. The closing time never changes really. Even in July when it's 87 degrees at 9:30 and the Sun has been down for a half an hour and there's been exactly two people in here since 6:30 pm on a Friday night.

So why are you here at five minutes to 10, and why do you want to tan for 20 minutes? This isn't the first time you've done this. And I know you're self employed and work out of your house so it's not like you were running late because you were rescuing puppies, and kitties from burning buildings. This is what makes you feel like a man? Trying to push around small business owners?

Because we're an independent place (read: small) and I like to please customers, I think some people perceive this as some kind of weakness. Like I'm so desperate for customers, and your $6 or we might go out of business? Or that because you're the customer, you're always right? I've allowed this to happen a couple of times because that's what I do. Put your thumb and index fingers together. Now separate them by about 1/8th of an inch. You see that space? That's exactly how close you are to being banned from here. And then we'll see how many times you pull that crap at "BIG TANNING CHAIN". Believe me if you show up to tan ten minutes before they close, that Blonde Eurotrash girl will start your bed. But she'll also kill it from the front desk at 9:59:59, and you'll be lucky to get out the door with your shirt on before you're locked in.

And no for the last time. We don't have "freebie lotion samples", and yes I had to raise the price of tans by a whole $1. You see the electric company wants their money every month like clockwork. And all those lotions you see on the shelf behind me? Yeah I had to pay for those. I'm well aware of the fact that I didn't pay $46 for that $46 bottle of lotion. I paid less. A lot less. But you see, that's how we stay in business, and that's how I pay my mortgage. If I pay a dollar for something, and then sell it to you for a dollar where is the incentive for me? I guess I don't blame you for asking, but by the third time it gets insulting, and makes you look like a cheap asshole.

Of course you're here five minutes before we close because you know you're such an awesome customer. Surprise ladies, and gentleman you might think you're a good customer, but you aren't. Wanna know what makes someone a good customer? THEY SPEND LOTS OF MONEY. That's all there is too it. If you're gonna drop a couple o' hundred a month in here every month, I'll let you slap me in the mouth on the way out everyday. But $3 or $4 every five or six days doesn't get you special treatment.

Who gets special treatment? The guy who just paid $3 to tan? Or the girl that bought eye wear, a $60 lotion, and three spray tans last month plus has been paying for tanning every month out of the last six? Take a guess, go ahead I'll sit and wait.

Right! The second one!



Save your sanctimony. The customer isn't always right. Some people are just begging to get kicked in the balls. In fact you'll be lucky if I ban you instead of doing just that.