You're Back? Part 3

So after J.S. explosion of fury that someone would dare sully her precious little angel of a daughter, by daring to ask her to do something unsavory, despite the fact that no one asked, and don't forget she's 18, and it might sound demented to some, but the minute someone turns 18 I consider them an adult. A full blown adult on an equal - legal at least - footing with me. They can smoke, buy a house, get married, sign a contract, get prosecuted and put in big time prison, have babies, and until the late 70's even buy alcohol, which I still think they should be allowed to do, and on, and on.

Hell I had relatives that joined the military, fought in some of the most famous battles of WWII, probably killed scores of people, and were shot at 100's of times, all before they were even 17 years of age, never mind 18. Suddenly I'm supposed to approach adults of today differently than I would anyone else? Anyway she says her piece, and I do my best to look concerned, and I make promises to "get to the bottom of this" even though I couldn't possibly care less, and will forget she was even here the minute she walks out.  You know the old saying if you can fake sincerity you have it made? Pfft. They made that up for me.

I go back to work, and do whatever it is I do, and carry on like normal. I asked Girlfriend one last time what happened, she says she doesn't know what J.S. is talking about. Whatever, fine,  and everything is back to normal. Oddly after "the big scandal" one of A.R.'s former friends walks in. And since I consider "Julie" more of a friend than a customer, I relay this little tale to her. Her reply"

"A.R. (The now adult, future dancer in question) is a psychopathic liar."

Apparently their house had to be ringed with security cameras, because of A.R.s penchant for getting "sideways" with just about every human being she comes across. How bad of a person do you have to be to instill such hatred at such a young age? I mean it's not like she was a mobster or anything. But of course her mother (J.S.) thinks it's everyone else's problem. I forgot to mention that they were asked to leave the last tanning salon they were using. Oh but "it was the girls that worked there. They were nasty." Maybe. Or maybe it's because you daughter is crazy. She once flew into a drunken rage, and spit in a girls face, and punched her when she wouldn't participate in a threesome with her, and her boyfriend. That's the story anyway. The other stories I've heard are equally unbalanced, and far worse. If even half of what I heard is true... Yikes. And guess who doesn't hear about any of this? The Mom.

Keep in mind she is an attractive young girl. Thin, blonde, on the outside she's very personable, and friendly. But you do notice that thin veneer of phoniness. The over enunciated "Hi!" When she sees you. Nothing you can put your finger on, you just know she doesn't mean it.

Well a full day goes by, and I've all but forgotten all about this little, melodrama when sudden The Mom suddenly appears in the parking lot, and walks up to the door...

You're Back?

My girlfriend used to be a "dancer". The exotic kind. She was for a long time. Well as her career wound down, the place where she worked offered her a position as a manager/trainer of the new girls that were hired. To be honest I don't know  what she does exactly, but that's the gist of it. Not everyone who comes in here knows that, but some do (this'll all make sense in a minute).

The place where she works isn't really that far from the store, and it's pretty well known in the area. Even in a place as big, and heavily populated as the Greater Metropolitan Area  there aren't that many "Gentleman's Clubs" so most people have heard of all of them even if they've never actually been to them. Well one girl who'd been coming in here all through high school had her heart dead-set on being a stripper. It was her goal. Her dream. Whatever, it's her life what do I care. Anyway she was gonna start at the same club where my girlfriend works on her 18th birthday.

So, she goes through all of the preliminaries, and gets hired. She was starting that night, and comes in to tan so she'd look good. She swears me, and girlfriend to secrecy. "You can't tell anyone!" She implores. Fine. I really don't care anyway. All of my girlfriend's friends were or are dancers. It's something I've been around for a very long time so I've become completely desensitized to it. Trust me I'm not impressed that you're a stripper now.

So what's the first thing she does when she goes back to school the next day? Yes she's still in high school at this time. She tells everyone with even minimal ear function that she's "dancing now."  Again, It's her life. I don't really give a sh-t.

The problem really started when her friend A.R. decided that she'd like to give this a try...

Big Money.

Alright. So I talked to the people where I want to put my bar. Luckily it's a family owned building, as opposed to some faceless corporate owned place, so that definitely has it's advantages. But the site is actually much bigger than I thought. 9500 square feet to be exact.

It's not too big for what I want, the problems with a big place like that begin with the rent. The people that own the place were totally on board with my idea with putting a bar in there, which is actually a good first step. Not a lot makes me nervous, but I was very nervous when I called them because I didn't want them to think a bar was a bad idea and say no. They actually seemed excited by the idea. So hurdle one? Gone.

I admit that I fibbed just a little and told them that I wanted to put a sports bar in there, when nothing could be further from the truth. I would rather be f-cking dead than be surrounded by meat-headed sports fans 15 hours a day. And believe me the last thing this world needs is another sports bar. They'd find me hanging from an electrical cord in the back two weeks after we opened, but they'd get over that little lie.

The real issue begins with their asking price. $20 a square foot. It's really not that bad, it's just that there's a lot of square feet. So commercial rent works like this, square feet x price/12 = monthly rent. So...

9500 x $20 = 190,000 /12 = $15,833.33 a month. Every month.

It's an intimidating number. And that's just the rent. A sound system for the kind of place I want could also be very expensive. Oh sure I found one on eBay. The price? $65,000. Used. So you see why this little dream starts to look really distant. I might be able to scale this back a little, but that would defeat the vision that I have in my head. But I'll die trying to make this happen.

Here It Is...

I swiped this picture off of a celebrity blog, my second favorite actually.

Anyway when I saw the picture I knew immediately. From the outside it looks exactly how I want my place to look. I'll obviously try to make it look less like a gay bar than this one, but you get the idea.

Aside from the gay bull on the front you can imagine what it looks like inside. Kinda run down a little, the kind of place you'd go to have fun. Maybe the bartenders are hot but you can't really explain why. You know what I mean? Well there it is.

I just wish it didn't seem to get more impossible to do this every day.

$100,000!?

A customer just left here. She's tanning for her wedding in a few days. She casually mentions (she's been dying to tell me) that her parents are "spending $100,000 on my wedding." Because, "I'm the baby."

A $100,000 wedding. Even if you have the money...Why? Whatever. It's their money, and they obviously have it. I could open my bar for $100,000.

Why the sexy bride picture? Because it's my blog that's why.

Who Do You Think You Are?!

You know, you seemed like a nice kid. You seemed sweet enough, and always friendly. But what the fuck? You come in here SCREAMING at my girls because you don't wanna pay the tax?! On the one day I'm not here too. Imagine that. What is your problem? Are you mentally defective or something? This shouldn't have been news to you as being 15 years old, I'm sure "Jersey Shore" is the height of culture to you. And your hero Snookie is all up in arms over this.

I have to assume the way you were behaving means one of three things.

1. You are young, and think that's the way to get businesses to listen to you (it is not).

2. You are young, and you were trying to impress that piece of shit wigger boyfriend of yours. I am sure he thought you were cool.

3. You are mentally unbalanced, and might fly off the handle and assault me, a customer, or one of the employees for even the most minor misunderstanding.

I'm just gonna be safe and go with number 3 to keep me from getting involved in your eventual mental breakdown.

When you demanded a full refund at the top of your lungs and pronounced that "I'm going to Big Chain Salon", I figured there's really no better place for you because no one comes in here and behaves like that. I didn't invest almost $200,000 dollars, and the last five years of my life to be screamed at by some half witted 15 year old.

Have a nice life.

And when you go to "Big Chain Salon"? Tell them I said hi.

WHACK JOB ALERT!!

She just walked in and bought an unlimited month of tanning. And I can tell from the five minutes I talked to her, she's gonna be nothing but trouble. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I can do the math. Earth tone clothing, that aging hippie long hair, Birkenstocks, those wild eyes. And the exasperation. The impatient huffing that they do when they see they have to fill out a form or wait for five minutes. I can spot 'em from a mile away. It's as easy as 2+2=4.

UPDATE! She also drives a Saturn! The prophecy is complete.

UPDATE II! It turns out she was just released from prison for falsifying prescriptions to get drugs. I learned this from one of her "sponsors" at AA. Isn't that just great?

Yes It Works Goddamit

We opened nearly five years ago. And in that time, almost 200,000 tanning sessions have taken place. And out of aaaaalllllllll those people, guess what? Yep. You're the first one that the beds didn't work on! Isn't that amazing? All of those people gave me money for no good reason. They were completely and totally unsatisfied. Frankly, I don't know how we've managed to stay in business this long.

Sorry. I'm lying. You're a stupid-ass. I've said this before, and I guess I'll have to say it again. Tanning beds aren't "Magic Browning Boxes". It might require more than two, or three sessions. It f-cking works. You have red hair, pale skin, and you're at least 45 years old. It is just not gonna be as easy for you tan. I know it sucks but there it is.

State law forces me to put posters on the wall that say, and I quote..."If you don't tan in the sun, you are unlikely to tan from the use of this product."

I really don't know what else to tell you at this point. Seriously, if you're so unhappy, why in the world do you keep coming back here? If it's just to complain please stop. I don't care enough about you to add whether or not you're getting a tan to the litany of other far more important problems I have.

Why Are You Calling ME?!?!

We're a tanning salon for God's sake. What IS the big deal? Stop in, get a tan, leave.

I -easily- get 25 phone calls a day. No we don't take appointments (for the 3rd time). The store hours are in big white letters on the door you went through yesterday, and every day before that for the last two weeks. In fact you called and asked what our hours were TWO DAYS AGO.

The hours we are open are on our website, on the card you took and put in that suitcase you call a purse, they're even on our Facebook page. Short of tattooing them on your forehead, what else can I do?

And I know it's smart to call ahead, but calling and asking if it's busy, or if there's a long wait, doesn't mean there won't be a long wait, or that it won't be busy when you show up an hour later. And no, that IS NOT an appointment. By the time you got here, I already forgotten I talked to you. You could have told me you were my long lost sister, and I wouldn't have remembered.

You know what helps with the crowds? SKIPPING A DAY here and there. Shit. I know you paid $39.00 for an unlimited month of tanning, but Jesus H Tap Dancing Christ. Give it a rest every two days or so. And getting aggravated at me because four people showed up before you doesn't help.

I know you think there's a bed being kept open, and unused with the hopes that you'll grace us with your presence, but I need more than one cheapskate customer to stay in business.

What are you doing in there !?

Thanks but I don't need a new window in that wall. And you know that tanning bed you were just lying in? Yeah that thing costs like $25,000. So while you can borrow it for the next fifteen minutes or so, DON'T FUCKING BREAK IT ASSHOLE!

Get undressed, lay in the bed, tan, get dressed get the fuck out! What's the matter with you people?

Oh. And those doors? They slide open, and closed. You had to slide it closed to close it, why are you trying to swing it open? You're gonna knock that whole collapsible wall down! I know you think you're so hot I want to keep you prisoner. Well guess what? You aren't, and I don't. I'd have to feed you. A lot apparently. And I don't want that.

Uh Oh

Here she comes. She lived around the corner from me so I recognize her. She would be out there everyday cutting her lawn with pinking shears. But she wasn't eccentric or anything. She was a nut. A hoarder, collecting garbage furniture, and maybe border line dangerous, who knows? Her family, combined with the city had her forcibly evicted, and then committed to some place for nut-jobs, or the story goes.

You just KNOW she really hates George Bush

Anyway, they must've been hosing out her cage or something, because she stormed into the store carrying a bunch of crab apples and sticks wanting to know what we do.

Crazy: What is this place?
Me: A tanning salon.
Crazy: You mean with those machines?
Me: Yep! (I knew where this was going)
Crazy: I thought this was illegal?

Now I'm Scratching me chin, looking thoughtful. Might as well f-ck with her

Me: No not last time I checked, I mean here we are.
(Uh oh she saw the news.)

Crazy: YOU KNOW YOU'RE KILLING PEOPLE! GIVING THEM CANCER!!

DIDN'T YOU SEE THE NEWS REPORTS??!!

WHAT A WORLD WE LIVE IN!!

Me: So you don't wanna tan then?

Crazy: NO AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!

Me: Obviously not.

Luckily no one else was here. She drops her little apples, scoops them up and then turns to storm out. I just let her speak her piece, and hopefully let her get it out of her system. She looks kind of normal, but has those eyes like in the picture above. Sort of a deer in the headlights look. Don't they all? She's half my size so I'm pretty sure I could take her.