Wanna Spray Tan Appointment?

Cool, what time? 7:30? Yeah that'll be a good time actually, the girl is available. But guess what moron? I gotta pay that girl that made a special trip in just to spray you. If you're gonna make an appointment, at least cancel it so I'm not out any money for absolutely no reason. This is a business, and I have more expenses than you can imagine. Having to pay someone for work that won't get done, and then actually not getting paid for that same non-existent work hurts.

Wanna know how it feels? Crumple up a $10 dollar bill and throw it into a sewer. It's exactly the same as you not showing up for an appointment. But don't worry about it, because I'm a millionaire right?

Why the change?

Remember this lady? She's back. And she's different. Oh she's still smokin' hot physically, but now she's being nice. Really nice. Almost friendly. Maybe I was being unfair? Maybe I just didn't know her. Maybe she's on medication now. Or maybe she wants something. I'm always suspicious of someone that does such a massive turn around.

She can't want something from me I have no money, so I'm not her type. Maybe she wants to buy the salon? She did work for one of the big chains. I doubt it though. That's just wishful thinking on my part.

A New Business?

For all the talk of July 1st, which may, or may not happen at this point, I have decided what I want to do. Own a bar. I know, I know, that's probably much worse than what I'm doing now. Much worse. But it's what I want. It's something I've wanted to do for a very long time. And despite what probably comes across as my grumpiness with the general public, I actually do like people. And it's something people seem to see me doing. And I feel like this salon is just a stepping stone toward that.

When I leave here today, I'm actually going to call about an empty location for it. We'll see. This is all very preliminary, and may not even be possible. It's going to be very expensive and I would have to get no less than $100,000 for the salon, but that's a long shot. Unfortunately that's money I would need. I've been working on this for a while now and I would like the space to be around 5000 square feet. That would be ideal. I called about a space a week ago, but that one was 10,000 square feet. That's big. Much to big. The entire mall my salon is currently in is probably 10,000 square feet. So at even just 12 a suare foot a space that size would be $12,000 a month. That's a lot of beer.

Anyway I'll call today and see what they say. July is just around the corner so it's time to get moving on this.

Mr. Szczzptzcaysz?

Hi Euro-Guy how are you? I'm sorry what was your last name again? You know, pronouncing it in your native language only makes matters worse. I'm actually pretty good at remembering names, numbers, or whatever you want.

I can remember an 18 digit credit card number, including the expiration date, and "v-code." Seriously.

But you were only here once before, and it was really busy, so sometimes it doesn't get "imprinted" on my brain. I know it must be aggravating for you to be asked "huh?" every time you say your name, but in my defense, it has, like, 13 consonants in a row, and two of them are z's with a bunch of c's thrown in there for good measure, so cut me a little slack.

And you have an accent. One that's pretty thick, and I don't actually speak Bulgarian, because I didn't think I'd ever have to in the Good Ol' US of A. So be patient with me. I know I'm just a stupid American, but people used to change their name to Smith, or Jones when they hit Ellis Island for a reason.

I Just Ordered Something Online...

Wow that's really great. I'm glad you saved 10 whole dollars, but guess what dumb ass? We only sell two things here. Tans, and lotion. And when you tell me you ordered something online, as opposed to buying it here, we don't get to stay in business very long and it really pisses me off.

How does this sound? Next time you buy a lotion online, try tanning online too.

Oh, and by the way. That lotion you bought at such a great price? Yeah it isn't manufactured anymore. Even I can't get it, that's why we no longer carry it. So good luck with whatever is in that bottle. I hope that whatever sh-t the Filipinos had laying around and pumped into that bottle doesn't make you break out in hives, or whatever God awful skin rash it might give you.

On second thought, that cheap sh-t wreaks havoc on our acrylics, and those things get real expensive for me real fast, so I hope you do get Ebola or something from it. And when we go out of business because you wanted to save $10, you can take your online lotion, and go spend $28 on a single session at Big Chain Salon.

Asshole.

You're not supposed to be "Black".

Sorry I haven't been around, but really the day, to day stuff is boring, and for the most part it's the same thing day in, and day out. Ahhh the exciting life of a business owner.

With the holidays coming, and going now it's been kinda busy, so even if I wanted to write something I wouldn't have had time anyway. But we get a lot of requests for spray tans this time of year because, for whatever reason, the holidays really snuck up on everybody this year. Hell New Year's Eve is in two days. I'm still surprised by that.

Well, anyway, I would have thought by now that after being here for five years people would start to get the hang of all this tanning stuff, but guess what?

A lady comes in the other day, and says she wants to get a spray tan. Cool.

"How dark do you wanna be?"

"Dark."

"Well I just got sprayed the other day, do you want to be like me? Or darker?"

"You just got sprayed?! How come you're not black?!"

(Hate, and murder are welling up inside me.)

"Well... I don't get sprayed very dark. I don't want to look like I just got sprayed."

"Oh. Well I want to be darker than that."

"Fine. No problem. It's your money, it's your body. I'll make you blue if you want."

A spray tan, or any tan for that matter isn't supposed to be a life changing event. The best example of how it's supposed to work is something that happened the other day. As the spray tan wears off, my natural skin color (notebook paper) comes through. Well, after a few days of looking like a ghost I got just my face sprayed darker. Just a little bit. That afternoon someone came in and asked me what I had done. Actually she asked me if I'd gotten a facial (!) as if I'm that kinda guy? I guess?

And that's how it's supposed to work. It's exactly like make up. No should notice you're wearing it. Please believe me, if you are a Norwegian blonde one day, and turn up the next looking like a migrant farm worker, people are gonna notice. And not in a good way.

How Do You Get Through The Day?

Seriously? How do you turn the fan on high?! What the f-ck is wrong with you? You've been coming here for three years and you still don't know how the fans work!? IT'S A FAN. Do you dress yourself in the morning? Do you drive to work? Does your care-taker let you use pointy scissors?

I talked about the radios before, and I kinda get that. In a world with MP3 players, and iPods, etc., I do understand that there might be some people alive today that, as weird as it sounds, may have never seen a portable radio. But we're talking about A FAN here. It's got three buttons. Wouldn't you just push them a couple of times to see what they do? It won't explode. IT'S A FAN. Retards like you are exactly the reason I have set a date of July 1, 2011 to be my last day as a tanning salon owner.

Seriously. Fucking idiot.