While We're on the Subject

As soon as this show began, I noticed an uptick in our male customers. The show must have made tanning less "gay" to them or something. But if you want some idea of the kinda people that watch this piece of shit show just spend the day in here.

They're meat-heads, bordering on retarded. On a personal level they seem nice enough, But I sometimes catch myself talking to them the way you would talk to a three legged dog. You know what I mean?

"Oh look at the poor doggie!" "Poor baby I hope you're okay now!" You know what I mean?

Ugh. I hope this little pop culture phenomena ends just as quickly as it started.

Who Do You Think You Are?!

You know, you seemed like a nice kid. You seemed sweet enough, and always friendly. But what the fuck? You come in here SCREAMING at my girls because you don't wanna pay the tax?! On the one day I'm not here too. Imagine that. What is your problem? Are you mentally defective or something? This shouldn't have been news to you as being 15 years old, I'm sure "Jersey Shore" is the height of culture to you. And your hero Snookie is all up in arms over this.

I have to assume the way you were behaving means one of three things.

1. You are young, and think that's the way to get businesses to listen to you (it is not).

2. You are young, and you were trying to impress that piece of shit wigger boyfriend of yours. I am sure he thought you were cool.

3. You are mentally unbalanced, and might fly off the handle and assault me, a customer, or one of the employees for even the most minor misunderstanding.

I'm just gonna be safe and go with number 3 to keep me from getting involved in your eventual mental breakdown.

When you demanded a full refund at the top of your lungs and pronounced that "I'm going to Big Chain Salon", I figured there's really no better place for you because no one comes in here and behaves like that. I didn't invest almost $200,000 dollars, and the last five years of my life to be screamed at by some half witted 15 year old.

Have a nice life.

And when you go to "Big Chain Salon"? Tell them I said hi.

Yeah. It Wasn't My Idea...

...and I don't like it either. I've never had a new federal law affect me personally, or so directly until now. But the guy you should send your complaints to is at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, not here. This was his bright idea.

It is what it is. And really it's only 10%. As much as it bugs me, it added a whole, whopping dollar to our single session tans. I did my best to keep it inexpensive, and even tried to eat the tax myself so you wouldn't have to pay it. But let's try this mathematically shall we?

To you it's an extra $1. But for me you have to multiply that by 50-80 times on an average day. And that's not including any spray tans, or unlimited months that we sell which could be anywhere from an additional $2, to and extra $6 each. So that can be $60-$150 a day. Every day. I don't know how much money you cheapskates think we bring in here, but that's too much for me to pay.

And you know what really bugs me the most about all of this? I spent at least two months warning everyone that this was gonna happen. I used our website, or Facebook page - Hell, I even had a sign posted in the salon. No one bothered to notice. Frankly a purple alligator could be sleeping in most people's beds and they wouldn't notice, so I guess I don't blame you really.

No, the thing that irritates me the most is that no matter how many times I said this, or how many signs I put up, you decided I was lying, or joking, or just wanted to raise the price, and you didn't listen. But that fat, troll like retard "Snooki" mentions it one time, and it's like Moses preaching you the Gospel. I'm afraid the tax is probably here to stay. And someone has to pay it. Wanna guess who that's gonna be? That's right. You.

How About a Quart of Water With Your 70 Amps?

Today everybody walks around carrying giant bottles of water, HUGE cans of Monster energy drink, Red Bull, and on, and on...

We must be the most hydrated society in the history of the planet. The one thing that absolutely must stop is bringing that stuff in the tanning rooms with you. I had to put my foot down and started telling people they have to leave it outside, or in the lobby.

First of all, there are health department regulations in Illinois that says no food, or drink is allowed in the salon. Secondly as I've said in the past, tanning beds are really f-cking expensive, and I don't want to be vacuuming Dorito crumbs (seriously) out of my tanning beds. You can't stop shoving crap into your face for 15 minutes?

And third, our biggest tanning beds require 70 amps(!) of electricity at "start up". For the first few milliseconds after you hit the start button it's substantially more. Like upwards of 90 amps. In case you weren't aware, that is what is known in the electrical trade as a sh-t ton. For an example, my mothers entire house is run on 100 amps. So 65- 100mA WILL KILL YOU. That little "m" ,by the way, stands for thousandths. In other words, roughly 1/2 an amp will stop your f-cking heart.

I have a great idea. Why not stand in your shower with a running hairdryer balanced on the edge of the bathtub? Oh and again tanning beds are really expensive, and they are electrical. If you dump your stupid bottle of water into one of my tanning beds, you better hope you get electrocuted. Because if you don't get shocked to death, I'm gonna cut your head off.

Stop at the Bank First Wouldja?

A $50 bill!? At 10:04 in the morning for a $3 purchase?! I unlocked the door seven minutes ago. Are you a retard or what? This isn't Bank of America lady, gimme a break would ya? I have a grand total of about $60 left in the register when I open in the morning. We're a small business, and I can't have hundreds of dollars in small bills just sitting around.

If I change your $50 now, that means for the next four to six hours I can't make change for anybody. I can't leave to go get that changed at the bank. I know you weren't really thinking but you're not a new customer. It might not be a problem in April, or May, but it's a problem in August.

Let's Play the Waiting Game!

As I've said, things get reaaalllly slow here in the summer. In fact this August has been slower than most, thanks in part I'm sure to the new "tanning tax" but more on that later. And it gets boring. How many computer generated zombies can you shoot in one day?

Well, of those 25 calls a day that we get, some of them are telemarketers. Mostly they're trying to sell me shitty bulk type lotions. Rio Tanning, OC Tanning, Vegas Tan, and on, and on. The same company can call me three, or four times a week. Sometimes multiple times in one day. I've been asking them to stop calling me for the last five years but they won't.

Before you ask, the "Do Not Call List" doesn't apply to businesses. Our number is on it, and I'm sure it stopped some calls, but telemarketers, and their employers are a different, far stupider breed I guess. Why waste the time it takes to call someone, that so obviously doesn't want to be bothered? Like I suddenly had a change of heart and wanted to start buying crap from random strangers that call me on the phone?

So I got tired of being aggravated, and decided to take a more proactive approach to my little problem. When a telemarketer calls, I simply put them on hold. I don't actually use the hold function, I just say, "Hey I'm kinda busy can you hold on for a sec?", and I set the phone aside. I pick up the phone every 30 seconds or so, and say "Hey are you still there?" When they say "Yep!" I tell them, "hang on I swear I'm gettin' there!" and then I set the phone down again. I can usually keep them going for a while. My record is 12 minutes before they finally hung up.

Don't worry our caller ID flashes when the other line rings so I don't miss calls.

The same goes for sales people that call to schedule appointments. If a credit card processor calls and says they can save us money, I let them make the appointment. The conversation usually goes like this...

Them: Hello Pasta, do you take credit cards?

Me: Yep!

Them: Well, we'd like to save you substantial money on your credit card processing.

Me: Really!? Wow I'd really like that!

Them: We'll have a representative in your area next Wednesday will you bring your last statement so she/he can look it over?

Me: Sure I want to meet with them!

I gotta be here anyway so if there's nothing going on, and I'm bored, what difference does it make? I'm here, come on in!

I ALWAYS tell the sales-person that I forgot the statement, and ask them to come back, which they almost always do. They aren't gonna save me any money. In fact most credit card processors are a complete rip-off. I got lucky and found a guy, a customer here actually that gave me pretty good rates, and I know it. So I'll stick with them.

Anyway, the salesmen give up eventually. And before you say all of this is mean, you gotta look at it this way. They have been wasting my time for years now. And If I can waste enough of their time. Maybe companies that use telemarketers will rethink their marketing plans. If I could get just 30 businesses to do this, can you imagine the cumulative sales time that would waste?! Hundreds of hours a year.

Don't feel too bad for them though. Once it gets busy again I'll just hang up on them.

HURRR

Her: "Where have you been, I hardly see you anymore!"
Me: "What do you mean? I'm ALWAYS here."
Her: "The last couple of times I came you weren't here"
Me: "When was that?"
Her: "Wednesday"
Me: "Cute girl 1 and 2 work Wednesdays, but I'm here every other day."
Her: "Well...I came at like 9:01 on Thursday and you weren't here"
Me: "We close at 9.
Her "Oh"

Remember when I said I didn't actively hate the customers? I was lying.

WHACK JOB ALERT!!

She just walked in and bought an unlimited month of tanning. And I can tell from the five minutes I talked to her, she's gonna be nothing but trouble. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I can do the math. Earth tone clothing, that aging hippie long hair, Birkenstocks, those wild eyes. And the exasperation. The impatient huffing that they do when they see they have to fill out a form or wait for five minutes. I can spot 'em from a mile away. It's as easy as 2+2=4.

UPDATE! She also drives a Saturn! The prophecy is complete.

UPDATE II! It turns out she was just released from prison for falsifying prescriptions to get drugs. I learned this from one of her "sponsors" at AA. Isn't that just great?