Why Won't My Legs Get Tan?!

I don't know. Why? Is this a trick question? Am I a dermatologist? You're right though you look nice and tan, but you're legs are still white as ghosts. But I don't have an answer for everything.

Maybe you're a freak.

Legs and faces DO tend to be more difficult to tan, because they tend to be more lean. There's less fat there, and tanning is tied in with the amount of fat in your body, and the pH of your your blood. I know it sounds totally made up but it's true. That's why your stomach always gets so dark so fast. Even if your really thin, there's still a lot of fat cells in your abdominal area, simply because it's such a big area so that's why it's so "black".

Maybe you're getting older. Your skin loses elasticity, and the ability to repair itself over time. That's why you get wrinkles. The body is less interested in protecting itself now, than it was 25 years ago. Or maybe you have bad circulation. Are you diabetic? Diabetics lose there legs because their circulation is so poor. But I offered a partial solution. They make lotions designed just for legs because they are notoriously difficult to tan. A sample is a whopping $3.26 and guess what?

You passed. Why? Because you're a cheapskate, and you probably need something to bitch about. So what can I say? Wear long pants I guess. Besides your like 60 years old. No one is looking at your legs anymore.

I Don't Understand What You Want!

"Can I have a stronger bed? The one I was using isn't doing anything", said the piece of burned bacon leather.

"But you look tan. It's doing something."

"I was out fishing all day yesterday."

This goes on, and on, time and again. 20 times a week at least. What the f-ck does this mean? What is it that you people want?

God I cannot WAIT to get rid of this place.

Got a tanning question?

Just ask me. Throughout the day I have conversations with people about tanning all the time. It's beyond ridiculous, and I think it's really a stupid conversation to have.

It just seems so... superficial? I don't know, it's a very weird business.

But I keep getting these strange questions, "Can I shower afterward?" "Can I get a facial/waxed?" And they usually have an answer. But it's a weird made up sounding answer. And I found out why.

Some people are getting their information from the retards they hire at the Big Chain Salon. And really, retard is being generous. Oh sure they usually look good, if they're your type. They aren't mine. As far as I'm concerned I'd take a girl with a kick-ass sense of humor over some bleached blonde party girl any day of the week. But that's a different post.

So what it boils down too is this...

A. Do you want to listen to the guy that literally built this place from the ground up, with his own two hands, deals with the suppliers every day, researched, and bought the tanning beds, repairs the beds, and is here virtually everyday?

OR...

B. Do you want information from the bleached blonde party girl (Oh but she took an eight hour course about how to sell lotions!) that's gonna spend her weekend at Crobar getting roofies slipped into her drink?

I know which one I'd pick. And frankly if you answered "B" I'd really rather not have to deal with you anyway.

Why Would You Steal That?

Having worked as a locksmith in a past life, I can tell you that some people can, and will steal anything that isn't nailed down. But once I opened this place I figured that would stop. Averaging 1,500 pounds you can't just walk off with a tanning bed.

And aside from the lotions we sell, there really isn't too much stuff of any real value in here worth stealing. But they manage. Here's a baffling list.

If you've ever tanned in a bed, chances are you've seen the little "This Bed Has Been Sanitized" signs. No biggie right? Those f-ckers are $15 each. And I have to buy them eight at a time. So quit taking them! What kind of souvenir is that anyway?

You know those little bamboo good luck plants? Yep they swiped that too. I have no idea how they got it out of here, as you can only walk out the front passed the counter, and it wasn't exactly tiny. I can only hope they put it in a purse, or bag because it was filled with little rocks, and A LOT of water. It would serve them right.

That little squeezy think that the toilet paper hangs on? Oh they left the toilet paper though. This time. I bought a new one at the hardware store for like, $1.50. Why would you steal that?

Toilet paper obviously.

Since I'm here constantly I have a toothbrush, and mouth wash stashed in the bathroom. Guess what? Yeah they took that too. The mouthwash I kinda get I guess, but a toothbrush? Even if you needed one to brush your dog's teeth or something, wouldn't you just go to the Dollar Store?

We have baby wipes in all of the rooms, so girls can take of make up and stuff. But instead of taking the whole plastic refillable container, they take all of the wipes. The thing is, they're soaked in alcohol (I guess) so where do they put them? I hope next to their cellphone, or address book or something.

Toilet paper.

They have managed to swipe lotions, but some of those get to be real expensive real fast so I've manged to stop that by putting only EMPTY bottles on display.

Are these things souvenirs? I just can't imagine why they sometimes take, what they take.

How 'bout a Spray tan?

We don't do spray on tans the way other places do. It's done with an airbrush. It's just like painting a car. I hate to describe it like that, but there it is.

So it looks 100 times better than the automatic spray machines, you know the one where you stand there and a machine sprays you? It's better, but a little more weird for some people. Obviously.

What that means is, you have to decide if you want to be nude, wearing a bikini, or just bottoms. Because it's gonna be a human being "painting" you. There are two girls here that are perfectly capable of spraying customers, and frankly they do a better job than me, I'm not terribly patient when it comes to doing stuff like that, and it's usually more comfortable for most of the women that come in here.

Also if you are under 18 there isn't a chance in the world I'm gonna do it. I don't care if your mother, and father are here, and the spray room door is open, and, and, and... just forget it. Come back on the day you turn 18, and I'll make you any color you want.

Having said all of that, it never ceases to amaze me how many women will come in here to get sprayed and are willing to stand naked in front of me. I won't lie to you. Sometimes it's pretty awesome. On the other hand I'm working, and my mind is so focused on what I'm doing that I don't really notice much. In fact one girl was upset because I didn't notice her new tattoo.

They must trust me. I mean there really is no reason for them not to trust me. As much as I'm starting to dislike what I do, sometimes it's a pretty cool job.

And you gotta believe me when I tell you that you really don't want to see most people naked.

Why Are You Calling ME?!?!

We're a tanning salon for God's sake. What IS the big deal? Stop in, get a tan, leave.

I -easily- get 25 phone calls a day. No we don't take appointments (for the 3rd time). The store hours are in big white letters on the door you went through yesterday, and every day before that for the last two weeks. In fact you called and asked what our hours were TWO DAYS AGO.

The hours we are open are on our website, on the card you took and put in that suitcase you call a purse, they're even on our Facebook page. Short of tattooing them on your forehead, what else can I do?

And I know it's smart to call ahead, but calling and asking if it's busy, or if there's a long wait, doesn't mean there won't be a long wait, or that it won't be busy when you show up an hour later. And no, that IS NOT an appointment. By the time you got here, I already forgotten I talked to you. You could have told me you were my long lost sister, and I wouldn't have remembered.

You know what helps with the crowds? SKIPPING A DAY here and there. Shit. I know you paid $39.00 for an unlimited month of tanning, but Jesus H Tap Dancing Christ. Give it a rest every two days or so. And getting aggravated at me because four people showed up before you doesn't help.

I know you think there's a bed being kept open, and unused with the hopes that you'll grace us with your presence, but I need more than one cheapskate customer to stay in business.