Hearing comes back doesn't it? Will this whistling never stop? Why did so many of the guys that were there have beer bellies? Will no one answer these questions?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
What I did yesterday
Hearing comes back doesn't it? Will this whistling never stop? Why did so many of the guys that were there have beer bellies? Will no one answer these questions?
Friday, August 28, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Uh Oh
Here she comes. She lived around the corner from me so I recognize her. She would be out there everyday cutting her lawn with pinking shears. But she wasn't eccentric or anything. She was a nut. A hoarder, collecting garbage furniture, and maybe border line dangerous, who knows? Her family, combined with the city had her forcibly evicted, and then committed to some place for nut-jobs, or the story goes.
You just KNOW she really hates George BushAnyway, they must've been hosing out her cage or something, because she stormed into the store carrying a bunch of crab apples and sticks wanting to know what we do.
Crazy: What is this place?
Me: A tanning salon.
Crazy: You mean with those machines?
Me: Yep! (I knew where this was going)
Crazy: I thought this was illegal?
Now I'm Scratching me chin, looking thoughtful. Might as well f-ck with her
Me: No not last time I checked, I mean here we are.
(Uh oh she saw the news.)
Crazy: YOU KNOW YOU'RE KILLING PEOPLE! GIVING THEM CANCER!!
Me: So you don't wanna tan then?
Crazy: NO AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!
Me: Obviously not.
Me: A tanning salon.
Crazy: You mean with those machines?
Me: Yep! (I knew where this was going)
Crazy: I thought this was illegal?
Now I'm Scratching me chin, looking thoughtful. Might as well f-ck with her
Me: No not last time I checked, I mean here we are.
(Uh oh she saw the news.)
Crazy: YOU KNOW YOU'RE KILLING PEOPLE! GIVING THEM CANCER!!
DIDN'T YOU SEE THE NEWS REPORTS??!!
WHAT A WORLD WE LIVE IN!!Me: So you don't wanna tan then?
Crazy: NO AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!
Me: Obviously not.
Luckily no one else was here. She drops her little apples, scoops them up and then turns to storm out. I just let her speak her piece, and hopefully let her get it out of her system. She looks kind of normal, but has those eyes like in the picture above. Sort of a deer in the headlights look. Don't they all? She's half my size so I'm pretty sure I could take her.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Last Minute Guy
We close at 10 o'clock. Everyday. The closing time never changes really. Even in July when it's 87 degrees at 9:30 and the Sun has been down for a half an hour and there's been exactly two people in here since 6:30 pm on a Friday night.
So why are you here at five minutes to 10, and why do you want to tan for 20 minutes? This isn't the first time you've done this. And I know you're self employed and work out of your house so it's not like you were running late because you were rescuing puppies, and kitties from burning buildings. This is what makes you feel like a man? Trying to push around small business owners?
Because we're an independent place (read: small) and I like to please customers, I think some people perceive this as some kind of weakness. Like I'm so desperate for customers, and your $6 or we might go out of business? Or that because you're the customer, you're always right? I've allowed this to happen a couple of times because that's what I do. Put your thumb and index fingers together. Now separate them by about 1/8th of an inch. You see that space? That's exactly how close you are to being banned from here. And then we'll see how many times you pull that crap at "BIG TANNING CHAIN". Believe me if you show up to tan ten minutes before they close, that Blonde Eurotrash girl will start your bed. But she'll also kill it from the front desk at 9:59:59, and you'll be lucky to get out the door with your shirt on before you're locked in.
And no for the last time. We don't have "freebie lotion samples", and yes I had to raise the price of tans by a whole $1. You see the electric company wants their money every month like clockwork. And all those lotions you see on the shelf behind me? Yeah I had to pay for those. I'm well aware of the fact that I didn't pay $46 for that $46 bottle of lotion. I paid less. A lot less. But you see, that's how we stay in business, and that's how I pay my mortgage. If I pay a dollar for something, and then sell it to you for a dollar where is the incentive for me? I guess I don't blame you for asking, but by the third time it gets insulting, and makes you look like a cheap asshole.
Of course you're here five minutes before we close because you know you're such an awesome customer. Surprise ladies, and gentleman you might think you're a good customer, but you aren't. Wanna know what makes someone a good customer? THEY SPEND LOTS OF MONEY. That's all there is too it. If you're gonna drop a couple o' hundred a month in here every month, I'll let you slap me in the mouth on the way out everyday. But $3 or $4 every five or six days doesn't get you special treatment.
Who gets special treatment? The guy who just paid $3 to tan? Or the girl that bought eye wear, a $60 lotion, and three spray tans last month plus has been paying for tanning every month out of the last six? Take a guess, go ahead I'll sit and wait.
Right! The second one!
Save your sanctimony. The customer isn't always right. Some people are just begging to get kicked in the balls. In fact you'll be lucky if I ban you instead of doing just that.
So why are you here at five minutes to 10, and why do you want to tan for 20 minutes? This isn't the first time you've done this. And I know you're self employed and work out of your house so it's not like you were running late because you were rescuing puppies, and kitties from burning buildings. This is what makes you feel like a man? Trying to push around small business owners?
Because we're an independent place (read: small) and I like to please customers, I think some people perceive this as some kind of weakness. Like I'm so desperate for customers, and your $6 or we might go out of business? Or that because you're the customer, you're always right? I've allowed this to happen a couple of times because that's what I do. Put your thumb and index fingers together. Now separate them by about 1/8th of an inch. You see that space? That's exactly how close you are to being banned from here. And then we'll see how many times you pull that crap at "BIG TANNING CHAIN". Believe me if you show up to tan ten minutes before they close, that Blonde Eurotrash girl will start your bed. But she'll also kill it from the front desk at 9:59:59, and you'll be lucky to get out the door with your shirt on before you're locked in.
And no for the last time. We don't have "freebie lotion samples", and yes I had to raise the price of tans by a whole $1. You see the electric company wants their money every month like clockwork. And all those lotions you see on the shelf behind me? Yeah I had to pay for those. I'm well aware of the fact that I didn't pay $46 for that $46 bottle of lotion. I paid less. A lot less. But you see, that's how we stay in business, and that's how I pay my mortgage. If I pay a dollar for something, and then sell it to you for a dollar where is the incentive for me? I guess I don't blame you for asking, but by the third time it gets insulting, and makes you look like a cheap asshole.
Of course you're here five minutes before we close because you know you're such an awesome customer. Surprise ladies, and gentleman you might think you're a good customer, but you aren't. Wanna know what makes someone a good customer? THEY SPEND LOTS OF MONEY. That's all there is too it. If you're gonna drop a couple o' hundred a month in here every month, I'll let you slap me in the mouth on the way out everyday. But $3 or $4 every five or six days doesn't get you special treatment.
Who gets special treatment? The guy who just paid $3 to tan? Or the girl that bought eye wear, a $60 lotion, and three spray tans last month plus has been paying for tanning every month out of the last six? Take a guess, go ahead I'll sit and wait.
Right! The second one!
Save your sanctimony. The customer isn't always right. Some people are just begging to get kicked in the balls. In fact you'll be lucky if I ban you instead of doing just that.
Huh?
Someone want to explain this to me?
1. It's cold, the water's cold.
2. That greenhorn is an idiot.
3. Boy this job sure is dangerous!
4. Look how much money I make!
If you like this show you're a retard.
Can I have my Discovery Channel back please? Without the fisherman, the Truck Drivers on Ice, and the lumberjacks? I guess it would be easy to ignore if these shows weren't the only ones they ever seem to show anymore. Isn't that what TLC is for?
Monday, August 10, 2009
A New Customer!
He was average looking, just another guy "looking to get a base tan before going too..." wherever. Nothing unusual so far, and he seems nice enough but he sort of raised a red flag almost immediately. Nothing I could put my finger on, just one of those feelings you get. We do get a lot of girls in here, all between the ages of 17-30, and almost all of them are very good looking. So when a guy walks in that puts out that creepy vibe I try to keep an eye on him.
kinda like this but happier!
So he comes a few times always riding his bicycle, always friendly, but then I catch him once in a while leering at some of the girls. Still, no big deal it happens, and they usually are good looking, so who could blame him? But any guy that actively started to hit on the customers, especially the younger ones would be heaved immediately. Anyway one day he hands me a wad of cash. A tip he says. I refuse it but he gets all bent out of shape over this perceived snub, and I grudgingly take it. So now I'm indebted to this guy right? "But I'm such a big tipper!"* I can hear it now.
Well, a few weeks go by, he comes every other day or so, uneventfully and then one day he's acting kinda weird. He's always chatty, and boisterous, and he's probably the fun guy at a party for an hour or two. Just before you want to punch him in the face. It was busy. People were waiting to tan in whatever bed they were waiting for, the music is a little loud, people are talking, and he's stalking the room. Some poor kid (a guy) falls into the trap of talking to him. I thought they were friends at first. Anyway, he (creepy guy) disappears outside, and I realize he's been doing this for a while. What the Hell is he doing? He's drinking! He's been here about 20 minutes at this point. And finally I catch on. He's getting drunk. At a tanning salon. On a Wednesday.
Whatever I say. He's okay so far and he's *a good tipper (see?) So now I want to get him in, and out as fast as possible. He's getting drunker by the minute, seemingly through osmosis or something. Just existing is making him drunk. At this point I should have called the cops. But I didn't. So as more girls come and go he starts to get more, and more brave. Finally "O" comes in. She's very cute, very sweet, and kinda street smart, and he's asking me about tanning lotions. Which one is the best, which is the most expensive because didn't I tell you? "I'm rich, and an airline pilot." Now that "O" is here he is anyway.
She catches on. And she is a big spender, and since he's trying like Hell to impress her he buys the $75 bottle of top shelf stuff. The stuff she convinced him to buy (Thanks O!). She isn't impressed. So finally after he's done impressing the Hell out of everyone I get him to tan. "Give me the best bed you got!" "I wanna be dark! Help me out!" He's drunk and beginning to piss me off and he's been here now for at least an hour and a half, and I am getting ready to call the cops. I've been avoiding doing this because over all he really does seem like a nice enough guy, but oh. Didn't I tell you? He just spent the last 10 months in prison! So I'm trying to cut the guy a break and not get him hauled off to whatever concrete Hell hole he just got out of because he decided to drink a little. On a Wednesday. At a tanning salon.
It's getting near closing time now, and it's just him and me in here. My paranoia starts to kick in and I figure he's waiting for everyone to leave so he can do whatever un-Godly thing he wants. You know since he's a friggin' criminal and everything. Well he's officially passed out so suddenly, I'm not feeling so threatened. And I hear him start to yell... "HEY P.A.S.T.A. WHEN IS THIS THING GONNA START!!" (he spells my name rather than say it) Hey genius it's over. You passed out. "I WANNA GO AGAIN!!" Fine. Illinois law says you can only go once in a 24 hr period but he's such a big tipper.... In reality I thought if I could give this creep a really good, solid second degree burn I wouldn't see him for a while. If ever again. Mean? Maybe. Whatever.
Finally the door opens he's standing there in the middle of the room, drunk, and flexing. In his underwear. So I tell him, "Hey bud you gotta go it's closing time." The phone is in my hand and I've dialed 9 as in 911"Okay P.a.s.t.a but first you gotta help me, I can't get my belt buckled." Uh sorry. I can't do that. "You know these walls are a nice blue, they match your eyes". Alright dude OUT! So I finally help him to the front door, and he's pretty baked. Like a turkey. Good. Asshole.
On the way out he holds out his hand like a fist bump, but instead he drops $130.00 in my hand. Okay cool. Maybe he is rich, and not just a drunken, lying, ex-con. So I get him out, and lock the door behind him. Keep in mind I'm not exactly a little guy. I am 6'2" and weigh 210 pounds. I work out every day and took the usual Karate lessons for five years, and blah, blah, blah. But whatever, fighting for my life was not on my schedule for that Wednesday so I was relieved when he was out. So I turn my back to finish closing when I hear a tap on the window. "P.a.s.t.a. wanna take a limo home! I'm rich! We'll go out and party!" No dude, go home. " You fucker!" he says as he starts unlocking his bicycle.
No sooner do I turn my back when he dives toward the ground. Like he's doing a cannon ball in the pool or something. I mean doubled over, head first straight down into the mall's river rock garden. And I mean head first. He didn't even put his arms out. His head must've missed the edge of the curb by less than an inch.
I'm Druuuuuuuuuunk!
In fact at first I thought he hit the edge of the curb and killed himself right in front of me because for a few seconds he didn't move. I thought he was dead. Well he comes to and I finally get out of the store, and onto my own bike. No I'm not an ex-con I live 1/2 a mile from here.
"Hey you need an ambulance or something? You alright?"
"No I'm okay. Guys like you and me don't need ambulances." I rode off as fast as I could before he managed to get killed. I figured the cops showed up and took him away as we're on a really busy street and they drive by every five minutes. I didn't know what happened to him.
Until he came in the next morning to tan. Sober. Like nothing happened.
kinda like this but happier!So he comes a few times always riding his bicycle, always friendly, but then I catch him once in a while leering at some of the girls. Still, no big deal it happens, and they usually are good looking, so who could blame him? But any guy that actively started to hit on the customers, especially the younger ones would be heaved immediately. Anyway one day he hands me a wad of cash. A tip he says. I refuse it but he gets all bent out of shape over this perceived snub, and I grudgingly take it. So now I'm indebted to this guy right? "But I'm such a big tipper!"* I can hear it now.
Well, a few weeks go by, he comes every other day or so, uneventfully and then one day he's acting kinda weird. He's always chatty, and boisterous, and he's probably the fun guy at a party for an hour or two. Just before you want to punch him in the face. It was busy. People were waiting to tan in whatever bed they were waiting for, the music is a little loud, people are talking, and he's stalking the room. Some poor kid (a guy) falls into the trap of talking to him. I thought they were friends at first. Anyway, he (creepy guy) disappears outside, and I realize he's been doing this for a while. What the Hell is he doing? He's drinking! He's been here about 20 minutes at this point. And finally I catch on. He's getting drunk. At a tanning salon. On a Wednesday.
Whatever I say. He's okay so far and he's *a good tipper (see?) So now I want to get him in, and out as fast as possible. He's getting drunker by the minute, seemingly through osmosis or something. Just existing is making him drunk. At this point I should have called the cops. But I didn't. So as more girls come and go he starts to get more, and more brave. Finally "O" comes in. She's very cute, very sweet, and kinda street smart, and he's asking me about tanning lotions. Which one is the best, which is the most expensive because didn't I tell you? "I'm rich, and an airline pilot." Now that "O" is here he is anyway.
She catches on. And she is a big spender, and since he's trying like Hell to impress her he buys the $75 bottle of top shelf stuff. The stuff she convinced him to buy (Thanks O!). She isn't impressed. So finally after he's done impressing the Hell out of everyone I get him to tan. "Give me the best bed you got!" "I wanna be dark! Help me out!" He's drunk and beginning to piss me off and he's been here now for at least an hour and a half, and I am getting ready to call the cops. I've been avoiding doing this because over all he really does seem like a nice enough guy, but oh. Didn't I tell you? He just spent the last 10 months in prison! So I'm trying to cut the guy a break and not get him hauled off to whatever concrete Hell hole he just got out of because he decided to drink a little. On a Wednesday. At a tanning salon.
It's getting near closing time now, and it's just him and me in here. My paranoia starts to kick in and I figure he's waiting for everyone to leave so he can do whatever un-Godly thing he wants. You know since he's a friggin' criminal and everything. Well he's officially passed out so suddenly, I'm not feeling so threatened. And I hear him start to yell... "HEY P.A.S.T.A. WHEN IS THIS THING GONNA START!!" (he spells my name rather than say it) Hey genius it's over. You passed out. "I WANNA GO AGAIN!!" Fine. Illinois law says you can only go once in a 24 hr period but he's such a big tipper.... In reality I thought if I could give this creep a really good, solid second degree burn I wouldn't see him for a while. If ever again. Mean? Maybe. Whatever.
Finally the door opens he's standing there in the middle of the room, drunk, and flexing. In his underwear. So I tell him, "Hey bud you gotta go it's closing time." The phone is in my hand and I've dialed 9 as in 911"Okay P.a.s.t.a but first you gotta help me, I can't get my belt buckled." Uh sorry. I can't do that. "You know these walls are a nice blue, they match your eyes". Alright dude OUT! So I finally help him to the front door, and he's pretty baked. Like a turkey. Good. Asshole.
On the way out he holds out his hand like a fist bump, but instead he drops $130.00 in my hand. Okay cool. Maybe he is rich, and not just a drunken, lying, ex-con. So I get him out, and lock the door behind him. Keep in mind I'm not exactly a little guy. I am 6'2" and weigh 210 pounds. I work out every day and took the usual Karate lessons for five years, and blah, blah, blah. But whatever, fighting for my life was not on my schedule for that Wednesday so I was relieved when he was out. So I turn my back to finish closing when I hear a tap on the window. "P.a.s.t.a. wanna take a limo home! I'm rich! We'll go out and party!" No dude, go home. " You fucker!" he says as he starts unlocking his bicycle.
No sooner do I turn my back when he dives toward the ground. Like he's doing a cannon ball in the pool or something. I mean doubled over, head first straight down into the mall's river rock garden. And I mean head first. He didn't even put his arms out. His head must've missed the edge of the curb by less than an inch.
I'm Druuuuuuuuuunk!
In fact at first I thought he hit the edge of the curb and killed himself right in front of me because for a few seconds he didn't move. I thought he was dead. Well he comes to and I finally get out of the store, and onto my own bike. No I'm not an ex-con I live 1/2 a mile from here.
"Hey you need an ambulance or something? You alright?"
"No I'm okay. Guys like you and me don't need ambulances." I rode off as fast as I could before he managed to get killed. I figured the cops showed up and took him away as we're on a really busy street and they drive by every five minutes. I didn't know what happened to him.
Until he came in the next morning to tan. Sober. Like nothing happened.
I figured I'd start this out of sheer boredom. July, and August is the slowest time of the year for our business, and I can go hours without seeing a single person come through our door. What do we do?
I own a tanning salon.
I know. Don't bother. You don't go tanning because... whatever the reason. I don't give a shit. I've heard it all before. Your argument against this is not original, plus I have plenty of pictures of the tanning beds sold to dermatologists for use in their offices. They're very fancy, and look like a Murphy Bed that folds into a wall.
Oh look! Here's one now!
So save it. Those guys are just pissed that they lost business to guys like me, and can't charge your insurance company $75 for a tanning session. **tin foil hat on**So by making it sound really bad, doctors hope to drive guys like me out of business so they can charge more. **tin foil hat off**
Take that dermatologists!
Anyway when it gets slow, and I get bored I'll put up some of the better stories that most people that work in a retail or service businesses can identify with, and some of them are pretty weird, and funny.
So come back!
I own a tanning salon.
I know. Don't bother. You don't go tanning because... whatever the reason. I don't give a shit. I've heard it all before. Your argument against this is not original, plus I have plenty of pictures of the tanning beds sold to dermatologists for use in their offices. They're very fancy, and look like a Murphy Bed that folds into a wall.
Oh look! Here's one now!
So save it. Those guys are just pissed that they lost business to guys like me, and can't charge your insurance company $75 for a tanning session. **tin foil hat on**So by making it sound really bad, doctors hope to drive guys like me out of business so they can charge more. **tin foil hat off**
Take that dermatologists!
Anyway when it gets slow, and I get bored I'll put up some of the better stories that most people that work in a retail or service businesses can identify with, and some of them are pretty weird, and funny.
So come back!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
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