THAT'S WHY IT'S LOCKED!

The back of the store is on an alley and there's a liquor store at the opposite end of the mall. The owner is a really nice guy, but he doesn't really have the "Top Hat Society" for customers. And we are after all a tanning salon, so if you're a black guy, all charges of me being a racist aside, I have to wonder why you're walking in here. And the first thing I tell anyone new when they start working is never open the back door to anyone! EVER.

Well one day I leave it cracked open to let some air in because even during winter it can get really hot in here. And I almost always have a handgun here. Just in case. I mean you never know right? See where this is going? Well one customer of "Al's Liquors" a young black guy, is around all the time. I don't know if he's homeless, or just an alcoholic or whatever but I see him a lot so he isn't unfamiliar to me. I even know his name. Well it's after dark, the back door is cracked open, and I have my back to the lobby when out of the corner of my eye I see a figure on my left that obviously came in through the back door. And he's black. So I swing around, and reach for the pistol. It's a double-action .45, made by Taurus, in case you were wondering. And in a split second I realized it was him. He just came in to say hi. I still see him around occasionally, and I never told him how close he came to getting killed that night.

Are we doing the right thing?

Well are we? I'm never sure if what we're doing is right. Do we charge enough (we don't)? Are they the right kind of beds? Do people like us? I never really know. People that like your business will tell a friend about you. People that don't like your business will tell 20. And so in one of my fits of feeling completely incompetent, and totally lost when no one is in here buying stuff - I never, ever tell anyone I feel like that by the way, I left Cute Girl 1 in charge and ran some errands. On the way I drove by a competitor that had opened about two miles away. And it looked dark in there. Really dark. And I thought they'd closed up because it was so dark. I've been trying to run them out of town for over a year now, and frankly they're pissing me off (If you aren't ready to kill, or be killed don't start a business).

Anyway I did my errands and on the way back I drove by them again. I had to, and besides I wanted to know if they were open, or closed. Well they were in fact open because I saw someone's head sticking up from behind the counter. The lack of cars in front of their store didn't help. So I was a little disappointed because really, if they go maybe we can add a second location. Fingers crossed! So I get back to our store and it's jammed! Every bed is going, people are waiting, and they're sill coming! Awesome. Sometimes I guess we are doing it right. Until I wonder again next week.

Business 101

Nope. I never graduated from college. I never attended the Kellogg School of Management, and I never so much as went to a community college. Actually I think you have to graduate from high school first, but that's a totally different story.

Anyway there isn't much you can tell me that I haven't already experienced either from owning this business, businesses in the past, or simply by existing. Gee do you really think I should put a sign out next to the road to tell people we're here? I would never have thought of that. Oh wait. I did. There's a city ordinance against doing just that, so I won't be doing that again. Some people will walk through our door everyday for weeks at a time and still ask me what time we close. Despite the fact that our hours are posted on that same door in 3" vinyl letters. If they can walk past those without seeing them, do you really think they're gonna see a sign they might fly past at 40mph? We have been open for almost five years now, so while I'll nod, and agree that... "Hey that's a great idea!" ... I'll be totally humoring you.

Mailers work? Huh. I never would have gue- Oh wait I tried that too. It doesn't. We mailed out 15,000 coupons three times in one year. It cost us like $1800.00 and guess how many we got back. Go ahead guess. That's right. Two. And neither one of those people spent $1800 in here. In fact I've never seen either person again.

And yeah I think it would be an awesome idea to buy an "XXL Kiwi King" by Soltron, and I will if you feel like lending me the $50,000+ to buy it. Oh and the $35.00 per 12 minute session charge, you'll totally do that at least twice a week to justify the expense right? Right? And so will at least 20 of your friends? I hope so because there's a lot I could do with an extra $50,000. I can appreciate you trying to help. Your advice won't go unheeded.

No that's wrong it will because you have no idea what you're talking about.

Sorry...

It's been light on the stories but it's still kinda slow. It was actually scary slow for a while, but things are picking up so I'm sure the 15% of the population that makes life miserable for the rest of us will be in fine form soon.

You Aren't Good Looking Enough...

to be as much of a jerk that you are. I know you're attractive physically. In fact the first time I saw you my initial reaction was "Holy -". Bikini model body, the best fake boobs money could buy always dressed nicely. You know the kind. She looks exactly like one of those girls you might see in a trendy nightclub. Even at 11am on a Tuesday. But then you ruin it all by talking. Jesus what an asshole. I can't imagine what it's like to live with you.

Imagine her, better looking, and also The World's Biggest Asshole.

You are constantly bitching about having to wait, about the cost, or about whatever your miserable life throws at you today. And you're kinda mean too. What a fucking Prima Donna. Really, you went from being someone I thought I could hold up as the kind of upscale clientele that we appeal to, to the ugliest woman I have ever met. For real. The only upside is that I know you are the one that has to get up everyday, and see your own miserable face in the mirror.

The really, really bad part though, is that your 17 year old daughter (yep she's 41 but she could pass for 31) is taking after you. Probably thinking you're cool or something. And I don't mean kinda I mean exactly like you. The downside for her is, the poor kid is, somehow, kinda homely. So not one single, solitary guy is gonna put up with it. Unlike the ones that might put up with you because of your physical attributes. But she'll be alone collecting cats, and Hummel Figurines by the time shes 26. At least she'll know who to blame when she's in therapy.

UPDATE 11/28! She was here today, and a bigger jerk than usual.

I will see this

I already told you once

I told you you can't use that lotion in here. It's a pump. You know the kind. The kind you spray on? It's a pump so you can spray parts of you, you couldn't otherwise reach I guess. Plus, you moron, it's got an SPF of eight. EIGHT! The SPF stands for Sun Protection Factor. Each number increases the amount of time you can spend in the Sun without burning. SPF1 means one hour, SPF2 means two hours and so on. Why in God's name would you pay money to go tanning, only to slather yourself in sunblock?! Doesn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose? Here's an idea, next time just come in, hand me some money, and then walk out. It's the exact same thing except you save yourself the hassle of getting undressed and stuff.

The chemicals that make up the SPF damage our beds! Our very, very expensive beds. When I saw you had it the first time I told you you couldn't use it here for that very reason. Fine you said. Oh of course you were all miffed, and irritated but you tanned anyway. Then you came back today and thought you were being sneaky and sneaked it in in your purse. Well guess what genius, IT'S GOT A PUMP! It was all over the wall, the bed top, and the floor. Thanks by the way because without seeing it I almost broke my neck because once it hits the floor it's like walking on an ice skating rink. So thanks for thinking I'm a complete idiot and I would somehow miss this.

So as much as I hate to do this I'm gonna kick your ass out of here for good. We'll try to stay open for business another five years without your $12.

I'm such a loser

For like the tenth time I actually went to Urban Dictionary to look up the meaning of a word that I didn't understand.

23 Skidoo!

I'll pass

Not on your life. I saw the five minute preview, or whatever it was the other day. Why? Why would anyone watch this ridiculous, and totally unnecessary remake? Aside from the occasional stupid looking sixties haircut/pair of striped pants the original show is perfect, and really hardly looks at all dated. Okay all of the computers, phones, and tape recorders are HUGE and yes the ending is beyond terrible, but aside from that it's awesome. It's one of only two television series I bought on DVD.

Immediately in the preview I noticed "Him" apparently helping someone. WRONG! Way to miss the entire point of the original series assholes. And I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this woman (and child) that he helps, at some point becomes his love interest/instant family. In case I'm a total retard, I had always assumed the original was about the individual. The "Lone Wolf" as it were. At no point in the original series do I remember Number 6 assisting anybody but himself. I admit I haven't watched any of it in a long time, but again isn't that the whole point of the show?

"Oh but it looks so good!" Save it. So what? I don't know I'm so irritated, and pissed off about this I'll have to get some kind of cogent line of thought together and update this when I do.

Thanks for pissing all over Patrick McGoohan's grave AMC.

By the way. I don't give a shit why you like the new one. If anyone bothers to ever read this, I fucking hate it without ever seeing it. Period. So save your chubby, stubby little fingers and don't bother defending it. Try watching the original series first and you'll be absolutely amazed at how fast you're going to agree with me. And I hate to sound like an elitist tool, but if you watch the first one, and don't "get it"? Yeah we can't be friends.