PARTY COW!!!1!!!1!!!

Party Cow likes to party.

Why Do You Bring Your Kid In Here?!

No not your 13 year old that's lost in some ridiculous PSP (or whatever it's called) game. Not even some eight eight year old that can watch cartoons or something. But a toddler! Is that what it's called? It can walk, mumble, throw shit, and scream and cry. So that must be what it is. I fucking hate kids. Yes, even your special little angel. I can't stand even the sight of it. I have ZERO paternal instincts, and even less patience. I can appreciate that you brought your friend with you so you can each divide the "watching" duties while you're each tanning, but give me a break would you?

You know that fire extinguisher that's hanging on the wall it's fucking with every time you look down at your magazine? It weighs about 35 pounds, and it's barely hanging there. Yeah, well it's gonna fall on your little mutant human and crush it's feet/hands/head. And it keeps tugging at those water cooler handles, and they're either gonna break off and you're gonna buy me a new one, or it's gonna manage, somehow, to tip that 95 pound machine on top of itself and they'll be carrying this miniature pain in the ass off in an ambulance.

Why don't one of you morons stay home while the other tans, and then trade off? Today isn't too terribly bad because we're the only three people in here right now. But when you bring this mewling piece of shit in here it drives me nuts.

It must be very difficult to have kids. THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE/WANT ANY! And I wish you wouldn't foist yours on me, or my business.

I'm Gonna Have Your Ass Towed!

We are two doors down from an AA meeting place. They don't bother most people to much, and being close to a place where people with addictive personalities congregate can have its upside for me (Think "Tanorexia"). But every six weeks or so they get a new batch of DUIs that have to show up for court appointed counseling, or whatever they do in there. And since we're on a really busy street, and have the only private parking on this entire block they think it's okay to park here.

Well guess what, drunk/crackhead/junkie? There are only 24 spaces in the whole lot. So while you don't see what the big deal is, when five or six of you idiots show up, you're taking parking spaces away from my customers. And I'm already fighting with the restaurant for the two hours a day when they're really busy. And if my customers can't come in here they won't spend any money and then I have a problem.

I've been fighting the urge to tow somebody again, but the last time I did it, it seemed to drive the point home with a lot of you selfish morons. I felt a little bad about it for a while. It must suck getting handed a $175.00 tow bill after begging for a ride from someone, to that shit hole that is Cicero, Illinois where the tow yard is, but I got over it, and I might have to start doing it again. And I have been trying to be nice about it, you know telling you, "you can't park here", and all of that, but some of you are Jones-ing for whatever your recreational drug of choice is, and I'm sick of the confrontations. Plus it's gonna get really, really busy in here any day. It happens just that fast too. We'll go from 50-70 people a day in here, to 125-150 a day almost literally overnight. Where are we supposed to put all of their cars? If you don't get the hint soon, it's gonna suck to be you. Even more than usual I mean.

You've been warned.

Guess Who Came in Here To Tan Yesterday

I get a phone call, "Hey this is Randy Orton" I said Hey! I thought it was a different Randy. "I need your Super-bed I can be there in five minutes". "Okay."I say "But someone's in it right now but I'm sure they'll be done by the time you get here". "Okay I'll be there", he says.

I don't know who Randy Orton is. But he said it with such authority I figured I'd better Google it up. Oh THAT Randy Orton, He's a wrestler. I guess. He shows up and I guess he's a "bad boy(?)" wrestler. But there were a couple of high school sophomore girls here at exactly the same time, and I thought they were gonna shit.

He seemed like a nice enough guy. And he's really tall, like, 6 foot 5 or something. He brought his friend with him. Some dude named Seamus. And we chatted for about 20 minutes before I realized he was a wrestler too. I felt kinda like a dumb-ass. I traded Randy Orton a tan for an autographed picture that I could hang up. I figure it's good advertising. The Seamus guy didn't have a picture with him but he signed a piece of paper for me. He asked who he should make it out to and I said...

"Make it out to Pasta, the coolest guy to ever beat me at wrestling."

He didn't though. Some people have no sense of humor. They said they would be back so that's cool. I'm never very star-struck, but some people are, I think it's a cool thing to be able to say they've been in here.

I saw these guys last week.

Isn't she HOT

They're called The Creepshow, and they're from Canada (eh?). And they played at the "Subterranean" last week in Chicago. They were awesome. They sounded great live, as in they didn't suck, and it's obvious they sound like they do without a lot of studio trickery like the "Big Names" so obviously use. And the singer is smokin'. And she's really, really tiny. I was surprised at how tiny. She walked by me before I realized who she was and she was at about the middle of my chest at the most. Anyway the music isn't really for everybody because it's borderline punky, fast, and loud sort of music. I was kinda surprised at the mosh pit which I don't do anymore since nearly getting my leg completely shattered in a mosh pit at a Ramones concert, thank you very much.

It's called horror-punk, or horror-pop, but the songs are catchy, and aside from the sometimes sorta dumb lyrics it's a lot of fun and its a really cool place to see a show. But there is one tiny little problem. It's the clothes. And believe me it's not everybody. The girls with all the tattoos, the stiletto heels, the fishnets, and jet black (or especially red!!) hair are all very, very hot.

Imagine Betty Page/40's/retro/borderline fetish thing happening.

Well I like it anyway.

So here is that problem. If you're 5'4" tall, and you weigh 245 pounds it's probably best to avoid this kind of costuming.

Bleached blonde/jet black hair, a bright red polka dot top, high heels, torn pantyhose and porcelain skin look good on the girl in the picture on the left. But it just makes you look like an escaped mental patient. So maybe next time tone it down a little bit would you?

Oh No the Floor is wet?!

Yeah sorry about that. It snowed 15 inches just last week, and the floor is wet because you waited until you came inside to stomp the snow off of your shoes. Then when you took them off you set them right next to a tanning bed that's been running non-stop all day and is as hot as a standard pizza oven.

I'll mop it up as soon as you leave, but you see, I'm not really supposed to go in the room while you're in there. And you will be like the tenth person to tell me... "Why don't you get rugs for the rooms?" Why? Because at the end of the night I'm stuck cleaning up 10 soaking wet, smelly rugs.

Plus most people can't walk and chew gum at the same time. The last thing I want is someone tripping over a rug and bashing their face into a glass filled tanning bed. I'm waiting to get sued every second of the day as it is, I don't need to worry about that too. Oh and everyone else that comes in will complain that the rug in the room is wet. See how that works? So I'm gonna stick with what's easiest for me. Just keeping this place going is enough of a pain in the ass as it is. Don't believe me? Hand me $250,000 or $300,000 and I'll hand you the keys, and you'll never find me.

He hates me!!! (Boo Hoo.What a Fag)

When I opened this place, I didn't realize how slow it would get in here at times. Well it does. I could easily go an hour in the summer without seeing a customer, sometimes two. So to pass the time I started going to celebrity gossip sites. You know all Lindsay/Jessica Simpson all the time, that kind of thing. Well a few months ago, one of these sites said Hey! be our fan on Facebook. So I did. The fan page is just like the site. You can read the stories, comment the whole bit.

Well, somewhere along the way I noticed the stories were the same four, or five people all the time. It was *kinda* funny writing so I hung around for a while. Then I started to notice that the commenters would simply copy, and paste a "funny" line or joke from the writers story into their comment and type LOL. You know what I mean? It was lame. Then I noticed most of the stories were lame. Then I decided the whole site was pretty lame. Well anyway, I started commenting, and I worked hard at it. I wanted to out-funny this dimwit, and all of those other brainless commenters. And guess what? I did. But I didn't realize it really until someone friend requested me from the page. And then mentioned they'd e-mailed the writer asking him if he was me.

It turns out that other people were also e-mailing the site to find out if I was the writer of the site. (He's anonymous. But on Facebook your name and picture show up.) So I think people thought I was him trolling his own comment section.

I guess this got his tampon all sideways or something, because he started writing back-handed shit after my comments. And then either him, or his cousin, or little brother, or someone, would start commenting, after MY comments things like..."Everyone hates you Pasta", or "You're not funny and everyone hates you" It was insane, sad, and laughable all at the same time. What a joke, and what a total loser. I don't know why he just didn't ban me outright. Wouldn't that have been easier? I'm still a fan and I show up once in a while just to let him know I'm still around, and to give him grief. But it's still as lame as ever, with new tales (sometimes two!) everyday about Lindsay Lohan. Besides Deceiver.com is where it's at.

These guys are awesome

If you don't think so, go be gay somewhere else.

WOW! It's been a while.

Sorry for not updating to everyone that reads this (Santa, Eddie from the mental ward) but honestly I got busy and this blog, God that's a stupid word, just plain got forgotten about. But something happened the other day and I said... Hey! There's something I could pointlessly write about so no one would read it!

Well, I'm going somewhere, and as I'm driving along, I wind up behind this guy with a giant sticker in his back window that says in GIANT words...

A RECKLESSLY DISTRACTED DRIVE ALMOST KILLED ME!

We both wind up in the turn lane and as he leans forward, and looks to his left to look for traffic, I see that he's on his cell phone! HA! I see the perfect opportunity to be a smart ass. So immediately there are train tracks, and thank God a train comes along, so we both get stopped. So I zip around on his left, and do that "roll down your window" motion which I'm surprised people still react too. Do cars even come with window cranks anymore? And what's the deal with these small toilet paper rolls nowadays? Anyway he rolls down his window with the phone still up to his ear. Here's the conversation...

Him: What's up?
Me: Was that recklessly distracted driver you?! (pointing at him)
Him: **Staring at me bewildered**
Me: You know...That recklessly distracted driver? You're on your cellphone, was that you?
Him: I CAN TALK ON THE PHONE! (he's upset, I think)
Me: Yeah but you're recklessly distracted aren't you? You could almost kill somebody!
Him: WELL I'M NOT TEXTING!!
Me: (I actually start laughing) Don't you see any irony in all this?!
Him **staring at me bewildered again**

Maybe he just forgot about the sticker in the window. The train ends and we pull away. He hangs back. WAY back, and I lose sight of him. Hopefully he didn't almost kill someone that day.