You're not supposed to be "Black".

Sorry I haven't been around, but really the day, to day stuff is boring, and for the most part it's the same thing day in, and day out. Ahhh the exciting life of a business owner.

With the holidays coming, and going now it's been kinda busy, so even if I wanted to write something I wouldn't have had time anyway. But we get a lot of requests for spray tans this time of year because, for whatever reason, the holidays really snuck up on everybody this year. Hell New Year's Eve is in two days. I'm still surprised by that.

Well, anyway, I would have thought by now that after being here for five years people would start to get the hang of all this tanning stuff, but guess what?

A lady comes in the other day, and says she wants to get a spray tan. Cool.

"How dark do you wanna be?"

"Dark."

"Well I just got sprayed the other day, do you want to be like me? Or darker?"

"You just got sprayed?! How come you're not black?!"

(Hate, and murder are welling up inside me.)

"Well... I don't get sprayed very dark. I don't want to look like I just got sprayed."

"Oh. Well I want to be darker than that."

"Fine. No problem. It's your money, it's your body. I'll make you blue if you want."

A spray tan, or any tan for that matter isn't supposed to be a life changing event. The best example of how it's supposed to work is something that happened the other day. As the spray tan wears off, my natural skin color (notebook paper) comes through. Well, after a few days of looking like a ghost I got just my face sprayed darker. Just a little bit. That afternoon someone came in and asked me what I had done. Actually she asked me if I'd gotten a facial (!) as if I'm that kinda guy? I guess?

And that's how it's supposed to work. It's exactly like make up. No should notice you're wearing it. Please believe me, if you are a Norwegian blonde one day, and turn up the next looking like a migrant farm worker, people are gonna notice. And not in a good way.

How Do You Get Through The Day?

Seriously? How do you turn the fan on high?! What the f-ck is wrong with you? You've been coming here for three years and you still don't know how the fans work!? IT'S A FAN. Do you dress yourself in the morning? Do you drive to work? Does your care-taker let you use pointy scissors?

I talked about the radios before, and I kinda get that. In a world with MP3 players, and iPods, etc., I do understand that there might be some people alive today that, as weird as it sounds, may have never seen a portable radio. But we're talking about A FAN here. It's got three buttons. Wouldn't you just push them a couple of times to see what they do? It won't explode. IT'S A FAN. Retards like you are exactly the reason I have set a date of July 1, 2011 to be my last day as a tanning salon owner.

Seriously. Fucking idiot.

I'm Goin'!

Reverend Horton Heat - November 6th

Mad Sin - November 3rd

Social Distortion - October 20th

While We're on the Subject

As soon as this show began, I noticed an uptick in our male customers. The show must have made tanning less "gay" to them or something. But if you want some idea of the kinda people that watch this piece of shit show just spend the day in here.

They're meat-heads, bordering on retarded. On a personal level they seem nice enough, But I sometimes catch myself talking to them the way you would talk to a three legged dog. You know what I mean?

"Oh look at the poor doggie!" "Poor baby I hope you're okay now!" You know what I mean?

Ugh. I hope this little pop culture phenomena ends just as quickly as it started.

Who Do You Think You Are?!

You know, you seemed like a nice kid. You seemed sweet enough, and always friendly. But what the fuck? You come in here SCREAMING at my girls because you don't wanna pay the tax?! On the one day I'm not here too. Imagine that. What is your problem? Are you mentally defective or something? This shouldn't have been news to you as being 15 years old, I'm sure "Jersey Shore" is the height of culture to you. And your hero Snookie is all up in arms over this.

I have to assume the way you were behaving means one of three things.

1. You are young, and think that's the way to get businesses to listen to you (it is not).

2. You are young, and you were trying to impress that piece of shit wigger boyfriend of yours. I am sure he thought you were cool.

3. You are mentally unbalanced, and might fly off the handle and assault me, a customer, or one of the employees for even the most minor misunderstanding.

I'm just gonna be safe and go with number 3 to keep me from getting involved in your eventual mental breakdown.

When you demanded a full refund at the top of your lungs and pronounced that "I'm going to Big Chain Salon", I figured there's really no better place for you because no one comes in here and behaves like that. I didn't invest almost $200,000 dollars, and the last five years of my life to be screamed at by some half witted 15 year old.

Have a nice life.

And when you go to "Big Chain Salon"? Tell them I said hi.

Yeah. It Wasn't My Idea...

...and I don't like it either. I've never had a new federal law affect me personally, or so directly until now. But the guy you should send your complaints to is at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, not here. This was his bright idea.

It is what it is. And really it's only 10%. As much as it bugs me, it added a whole, whopping dollar to our single session tans. I did my best to keep it inexpensive, and even tried to eat the tax myself so you wouldn't have to pay it. But let's try this mathematically shall we?

To you it's an extra $1. But for me you have to multiply that by 50-80 times on an average day. And that's not including any spray tans, or unlimited months that we sell which could be anywhere from an additional $2, to and extra $6 each. So that can be $60-$150 a day. Every day. I don't know how much money you cheapskates think we bring in here, but that's too much for me to pay.

And you know what really bugs me the most about all of this? I spent at least two months warning everyone that this was gonna happen. I used our website, or Facebook page - Hell, I even had a sign posted in the salon. No one bothered to notice. Frankly a purple alligator could be sleeping in most people's beds and they wouldn't notice, so I guess I don't blame you really.

No, the thing that irritates me the most is that no matter how many times I said this, or how many signs I put up, you decided I was lying, or joking, or just wanted to raise the price, and you didn't listen. But that fat, troll like retard "Snooki" mentions it one time, and it's like Moses preaching you the Gospel. I'm afraid the tax is probably here to stay. And someone has to pay it. Wanna guess who that's gonna be? That's right. You.

How About a Quart of Water With Your 70 Amps?

Today everybody walks around carrying giant bottles of water, HUGE cans of Monster energy drink, Red Bull, and on, and on...

We must be the most hydrated society in the history of the planet. The one thing that absolutely must stop is bringing that stuff in the tanning rooms with you. I had to put my foot down and started telling people they have to leave it outside, or in the lobby.

First of all, there are health department regulations in Illinois that says no food, or drink is allowed in the salon. Secondly as I've said in the past, tanning beds are really f-cking expensive, and I don't want to be vacuuming Dorito crumbs (seriously) out of my tanning beds. You can't stop shoving crap into your face for 15 minutes?

And third, our biggest tanning beds require 70 amps(!) of electricity at "start up". For the first few milliseconds after you hit the start button it's substantially more. Like upwards of 90 amps. In case you weren't aware, that is what is known in the electrical trade as a sh-t ton. For an example, my mothers entire house is run on 100 amps. So 65- 100mA WILL KILL YOU. That little "m" ,by the way, stands for thousandths. In other words, roughly 1/2 an amp will stop your f-cking heart.

I have a great idea. Why not stand in your shower with a running hairdryer balanced on the edge of the bathtub? Oh and again tanning beds are really expensive, and they are electrical. If you dump your stupid bottle of water into one of my tanning beds, you better hope you get electrocuted. Because if you don't get shocked to death, I'm gonna cut your head off.

Stop at the Bank First Wouldja?

A $50 bill!? At 10:04 in the morning for a $3 purchase?! I unlocked the door seven minutes ago. Are you a retard or what? This isn't Bank of America lady, gimme a break would ya? I have a grand total of about $60 left in the register when I open in the morning. We're a small business, and I can't have hundreds of dollars in small bills just sitting around.

If I change your $50 now, that means for the next four to six hours I can't make change for anybody. I can't leave to go get that changed at the bank. I know you weren't really thinking but you're not a new customer. It might not be a problem in April, or May, but it's a problem in August.

Let's Play the Waiting Game!

As I've said, things get reaaalllly slow here in the summer. In fact this August has been slower than most, thanks in part I'm sure to the new "tanning tax" but more on that later. And it gets boring. How many computer generated zombies can you shoot in one day?

Well, of those 25 calls a day that we get, some of them are telemarketers. Mostly they're trying to sell me shitty bulk type lotions. Rio Tanning, OC Tanning, Vegas Tan, and on, and on. The same company can call me three, or four times a week. Sometimes multiple times in one day. I've been asking them to stop calling me for the last five years but they won't.

Before you ask, the "Do Not Call List" doesn't apply to businesses. Our number is on it, and I'm sure it stopped some calls, but telemarketers, and their employers are a different, far stupider breed I guess. Why waste the time it takes to call someone, that so obviously doesn't want to be bothered? Like I suddenly had a change of heart and wanted to start buying crap from random strangers that call me on the phone?

So I got tired of being aggravated, and decided to take a more proactive approach to my little problem. When a telemarketer calls, I simply put them on hold. I don't actually use the hold function, I just say, "Hey I'm kinda busy can you hold on for a sec?", and I set the phone aside. I pick up the phone every 30 seconds or so, and say "Hey are you still there?" When they say "Yep!" I tell them, "hang on I swear I'm gettin' there!" and then I set the phone down again. I can usually keep them going for a while. My record is 12 minutes before they finally hung up.

Don't worry our caller ID flashes when the other line rings so I don't miss calls.

The same goes for sales people that call to schedule appointments. If a credit card processor calls and says they can save us money, I let them make the appointment. The conversation usually goes like this...

Them: Hello Pasta, do you take credit cards?

Me: Yep!

Them: Well, we'd like to save you substantial money on your credit card processing.

Me: Really!? Wow I'd really like that!

Them: We'll have a representative in your area next Wednesday will you bring your last statement so she/he can look it over?

Me: Sure I want to meet with them!

I gotta be here anyway so if there's nothing going on, and I'm bored, what difference does it make? I'm here, come on in!

I ALWAYS tell the sales-person that I forgot the statement, and ask them to come back, which they almost always do. They aren't gonna save me any money. In fact most credit card processors are a complete rip-off. I got lucky and found a guy, a customer here actually that gave me pretty good rates, and I know it. So I'll stick with them.

Anyway, the salesmen give up eventually. And before you say all of this is mean, you gotta look at it this way. They have been wasting my time for years now. And If I can waste enough of their time. Maybe companies that use telemarketers will rethink their marketing plans. If I could get just 30 businesses to do this, can you imagine the cumulative sales time that would waste?! Hundreds of hours a year.

Don't feel too bad for them though. Once it gets busy again I'll just hang up on them.

HURRR

Her: "Where have you been, I hardly see you anymore!"
Me: "What do you mean? I'm ALWAYS here."
Her: "The last couple of times I came you weren't here"
Me: "When was that?"
Her: "Wednesday"
Me: "Cute girl 1 and 2 work Wednesdays, but I'm here every other day."
Her: "Well...I came at like 9:01 on Thursday and you weren't here"
Me: "We close at 9.
Her "Oh"

Remember when I said I didn't actively hate the customers? I was lying.

WHACK JOB ALERT!!

She just walked in and bought an unlimited month of tanning. And I can tell from the five minutes I talked to her, she's gonna be nothing but trouble. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I can do the math. Earth tone clothing, that aging hippie long hair, Birkenstocks, those wild eyes. And the exasperation. The impatient huffing that they do when they see they have to fill out a form or wait for five minutes. I can spot 'em from a mile away. It's as easy as 2+2=4.

UPDATE! She also drives a Saturn! The prophecy is complete.

UPDATE II! It turns out she was just released from prison for falsifying prescriptions to get drugs. I learned this from one of her "sponsors" at AA. Isn't that just great?

Yes It Works Goddamit

We opened nearly five years ago. And in that time, almost 200,000 tanning sessions have taken place. And out of aaaaalllllllll those people, guess what? Yep. You're the first one that the beds didn't work on! Isn't that amazing? All of those people gave me money for no good reason. They were completely and totally unsatisfied. Frankly, I don't know how we've managed to stay in business this long.

Sorry. I'm lying. You're a stupid-ass. I've said this before, and I guess I'll have to say it again. Tanning beds aren't "Magic Browning Boxes". It might require more than two, or three sessions. It f-cking works. You have red hair, pale skin, and you're at least 45 years old. It is just not gonna be as easy for you tan. I know it sucks but there it is.

State law forces me to put posters on the wall that say, and I quote..."If you don't tan in the sun, you are unlikely to tan from the use of this product."

I really don't know what else to tell you at this point. Seriously, if you're so unhappy, why in the world do you keep coming back here? If it's just to complain please stop. I don't care enough about you to add whether or not you're getting a tan to the litany of other far more important problems I have.

You Won't Turn Orange!

The act of tanning doesn't make you orange. I'll say it again. Tanning simply doesn't make people orange. It just doesn't. Unless of course your mom, and dad are naturally orange colored, or there is a history of Rainbow People in your family, or you have a grandparent that came from Orangeland or somewhere like that.

When you see someone that has that orange look, it is the color they turn after a SPRAY TAN. And it's usually after using a "Mystic Tan" machine, or some other automatic spray system. You know, you stand there and the machine automatically sprays you, you have to turn around, lift your arms, etc., etc.

This is the color people turn because Mystic Tan machines suck. The solution they use is terrible, and I guarantee the retards they have working there never clean the spray nozzles, or the tubing that sprays the stuff on.

There is the possibility that you're a red head. Red heads do look a bit red (obviously) to begin with, so I admit the bronzers can make them look orange. But there is a simple fix for this.

The "Clear" solution. Clear solutions don't contain any bronzers, and will only make you as tan, as you would get naturally. Does that make sense? Avoiding the machines is, seriously, the best thing you could do.

And yes I know "it's only $10 on Friday" to do a Mystic Tan at Big Chain Salon, but what if it was only $10 and you would turn blue? Would you still do it? Knock yourself out because in reality it ultimately makes THEM look bad.

Why Won't My Legs Get Tan?!

I don't know. Why? Is this a trick question? Am I a dermatologist? You're right though you look nice and tan, but you're legs are still white as ghosts. But I don't have an answer for everything.

Maybe you're a freak.

Legs and faces DO tend to be more difficult to tan, because they tend to be more lean. There's less fat there, and tanning is tied in with the amount of fat in your body, and the pH of your your blood. I know it sounds totally made up but it's true. That's why your stomach always gets so dark so fast. Even if your really thin, there's still a lot of fat cells in your abdominal area, simply because it's such a big area so that's why it's so "black".

Maybe you're getting older. Your skin loses elasticity, and the ability to repair itself over time. That's why you get wrinkles. The body is less interested in protecting itself now, than it was 25 years ago. Or maybe you have bad circulation. Are you diabetic? Diabetics lose there legs because their circulation is so poor. But I offered a partial solution. They make lotions designed just for legs because they are notoriously difficult to tan. A sample is a whopping $3.26 and guess what?

You passed. Why? Because you're a cheapskate, and you probably need something to bitch about. So what can I say? Wear long pants I guess. Besides your like 60 years old. No one is looking at your legs anymore.

I Don't Understand What You Want!

"Can I have a stronger bed? The one I was using isn't doing anything", said the piece of burned bacon leather.

"But you look tan. It's doing something."

"I was out fishing all day yesterday."

This goes on, and on, time and again. 20 times a week at least. What the f-ck does this mean? What is it that you people want?

God I cannot WAIT to get rid of this place.

Got a tanning question?

Just ask me. Throughout the day I have conversations with people about tanning all the time. It's beyond ridiculous, and I think it's really a stupid conversation to have.

It just seems so... superficial? I don't know, it's a very weird business.

But I keep getting these strange questions, "Can I shower afterward?" "Can I get a facial/waxed?" And they usually have an answer. But it's a weird made up sounding answer. And I found out why.

Some people are getting their information from the retards they hire at the Big Chain Salon. And really, retard is being generous. Oh sure they usually look good, if they're your type. They aren't mine. As far as I'm concerned I'd take a girl with a kick-ass sense of humor over some bleached blonde party girl any day of the week. But that's a different post.

So what it boils down too is this...

A. Do you want to listen to the guy that literally built this place from the ground up, with his own two hands, deals with the suppliers every day, researched, and bought the tanning beds, repairs the beds, and is here virtually everyday?

OR...

B. Do you want information from the bleached blonde party girl (Oh but she took an eight hour course about how to sell lotions!) that's gonna spend her weekend at Crobar getting roofies slipped into her drink?

I know which one I'd pick. And frankly if you answered "B" I'd really rather not have to deal with you anyway.

Why Would You Steal That?

Having worked as a locksmith in a past life, I can tell you that some people can, and will steal anything that isn't nailed down. But once I opened this place I figured that would stop. Averaging 1,500 pounds you can't just walk off with a tanning bed.

And aside from the lotions we sell, there really isn't too much stuff of any real value in here worth stealing. But they manage. Here's a baffling list.

If you've ever tanned in a bed, chances are you've seen the little "This Bed Has Been Sanitized" signs. No biggie right? Those f-ckers are $15 each. And I have to buy them eight at a time. So quit taking them! What kind of souvenir is that anyway?

You know those little bamboo good luck plants? Yep they swiped that too. I have no idea how they got it out of here, as you can only walk out the front passed the counter, and it wasn't exactly tiny. I can only hope they put it in a purse, or bag because it was filled with little rocks, and A LOT of water. It would serve them right.

That little squeezy think that the toilet paper hangs on? Oh they left the toilet paper though. This time. I bought a new one at the hardware store for like, $1.50. Why would you steal that?

Toilet paper obviously.

Since I'm here constantly I have a toothbrush, and mouth wash stashed in the bathroom. Guess what? Yeah they took that too. The mouthwash I kinda get I guess, but a toothbrush? Even if you needed one to brush your dog's teeth or something, wouldn't you just go to the Dollar Store?

We have baby wipes in all of the rooms, so girls can take of make up and stuff. But instead of taking the whole plastic refillable container, they take all of the wipes. The thing is, they're soaked in alcohol (I guess) so where do they put them? I hope next to their cellphone, or address book or something.

Toilet paper.

They have managed to swipe lotions, but some of those get to be real expensive real fast so I've manged to stop that by putting only EMPTY bottles on display.

Are these things souvenirs? I just can't imagine why they sometimes take, what they take.

How 'bout a Spray tan?

We don't do spray on tans the way other places do. It's done with an airbrush. It's just like painting a car. I hate to describe it like that, but there it is.

So it looks 100 times better than the automatic spray machines, you know the one where you stand there and a machine sprays you? It's better, but a little more weird for some people. Obviously.

What that means is, you have to decide if you want to be nude, wearing a bikini, or just bottoms. Because it's gonna be a human being "painting" you. There are two girls here that are perfectly capable of spraying customers, and frankly they do a better job than me, I'm not terribly patient when it comes to doing stuff like that, and it's usually more comfortable for most of the women that come in here.

Also if you are under 18 there isn't a chance in the world I'm gonna do it. I don't care if your mother, and father are here, and the spray room door is open, and, and, and... just forget it. Come back on the day you turn 18, and I'll make you any color you want.

Having said all of that, it never ceases to amaze me how many women will come in here to get sprayed and are willing to stand naked in front of me. I won't lie to you. Sometimes it's pretty awesome. On the other hand I'm working, and my mind is so focused on what I'm doing that I don't really notice much. In fact one girl was upset because I didn't notice her new tattoo.

They must trust me. I mean there really is no reason for them not to trust me. As much as I'm starting to dislike what I do, sometimes it's a pretty cool job.

And you gotta believe me when I tell you that you really don't want to see most people naked.

Why Are You Calling ME?!?!

We're a tanning salon for God's sake. What IS the big deal? Stop in, get a tan, leave.

I -easily- get 25 phone calls a day. No we don't take appointments (for the 3rd time). The store hours are in big white letters on the door you went through yesterday, and every day before that for the last two weeks. In fact you called and asked what our hours were TWO DAYS AGO.

The hours we are open are on our website, on the card you took and put in that suitcase you call a purse, they're even on our Facebook page. Short of tattooing them on your forehead, what else can I do?

And I know it's smart to call ahead, but calling and asking if it's busy, or if there's a long wait, doesn't mean there won't be a long wait, or that it won't be busy when you show up an hour later. And no, that IS NOT an appointment. By the time you got here, I already forgotten I talked to you. You could have told me you were my long lost sister, and I wouldn't have remembered.

You know what helps with the crowds? SKIPPING A DAY here and there. Shit. I know you paid $39.00 for an unlimited month of tanning, but Jesus H Tap Dancing Christ. Give it a rest every two days or so. And getting aggravated at me because four people showed up before you doesn't help.

I know you think there's a bed being kept open, and unused with the hopes that you'll grace us with your presence, but I need more than one cheapskate customer to stay in business.

Well Here We Go

I've had it. Starting this little blog probably wasn't such a good idea, as I could now dwell repeatedly on the various problems that every business owner runs into. But I can tell you that I have actively begun to dislike the customers. And not just the 15% that make everyone's life miserable, that I was originally gonna write about.

But almost all of them.

It hasn't really reached the hate level yet, but if it continues at this rate, it won't be long.

I realize that selling a tanning salon will be no easy task. In fact, it may be next to impossible. But I'm going to try like Hell. I'll move on to other things, like I always do. But whatever it is, it WILL NOT be a business with an 85% female between the ages of 17-25 clientele.

This is not a sudden revelation. But something that has happened over the previous months. I am fed up, bored, and have decided to try new things.

GAH IT'S BUSY!

I haven't written anything, and boy do I have stuff to write, because it's so busy around here.

This is the time of year when people think they really need to tan and it seems like the entire planet realizes it all at once. We'll go from 40-60 customers a day, to 100-150 a day. I'm not even counting prom season yet!

But this is when you get the good stories. So I'll be around. Bear with me.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's like New Year's Eve for assholes.

So I Probably Lost a Customer

We are a small place, eight total tanning beds, and a room dedicated for airbrushing fake tans on people (Ooooh! a different post!) . But it's MY place. It's not a chain like most of the places in the area. But, I admit that can lead to a few problems.

First is the limited options it can give some people. Especially the "professional tanners" as I call them. They want to know where the bed was made, who made it, lamps, hours, and on, and on.... a little knowledge is a dangerous thing for them. But it sure makes them look smart! Just come in and get fucking tan would you?! Jesus.

But there is one thing most people don't realize...

TANNING BEDS ARE REALLY, REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

So when I opened this place, it was with the idea that we would soon be out of business, pessimistic I know but that's life in the small business world. So instead of spending $50,000 - no that's not a typo, on one tanning bed, I bought six smaller ones, and left myself the option of buying more expensive ones later. And I did buy two of the more expensive types. Eventually.

Anyway a lady comes in with her daughter for the second time. And they both want to do one of the more expensive beds. Fine. No problem. But "Leather Bag" doesn't want to do the same one she did before. Nothing specific, she "Just didn't like it last time". Too noisy, to big, to something.

Me: Okay, well you can have any one of the other seven.
Leather Bag: Which ones?
Me: Well... There's the Level 2's, The level One's, The Stand Up...
Leather Bag: Are they any good?
Me: No. I only bought crappy beds.
Leather Bag: She just stares at me.

I purchased the beds we have after spying on some of the chain places, and seeing what they used. SO I BOUGHT IDENTICAL EQUIPMENT! It's exactly the same.

I bristle at that question. And on this day she just happened to be the one that asked it. Of course it's a "good bed". It damages your skin just as badly as the others, it just doesn't look as imposing, or admittedly, as impressive. But the effect is exactly the same.

It's that time of year when it gets really super busy in here. And I have to answer the same question 100 times a day to 100 different people. And being asked if our beds are any good - in that nasty, passive aggressive kind of way only a woman can manage, really pisses me off. And this time I just snapped. I didn't yell or anything, but the smart ass in me just came out.

I probably been more diplomatic about it, but, whatever. I'll try to stay open another five years without her $10.

Tomorrow Night!

...and it's gonna be awesome.

And they were.

PARTY COW!!!1!!!1!!!

Party Cow likes to party.

Why Do You Bring Your Kid In Here?!

No not your 13 year old that's lost in some ridiculous PSP (or whatever it's called) game. Not even some eight eight year old that can watch cartoons or something. But a toddler! Is that what it's called? It can walk, mumble, throw shit, and scream and cry. So that must be what it is. I fucking hate kids. Yes, even your special little angel. I can't stand even the sight of it. I have ZERO paternal instincts, and even less patience. I can appreciate that you brought your friend with you so you can each divide the "watching" duties while you're each tanning, but give me a break would you?

You know that fire extinguisher that's hanging on the wall it's fucking with every time you look down at your magazine? It weighs about 35 pounds, and it's barely hanging there. Yeah, well it's gonna fall on your little mutant human and crush it's feet/hands/head. And it keeps tugging at those water cooler handles, and they're either gonna break off and you're gonna buy me a new one, or it's gonna manage, somehow, to tip that 95 pound machine on top of itself and they'll be carrying this miniature pain in the ass off in an ambulance.

Why don't one of you morons stay home while the other tans, and then trade off? Today isn't too terribly bad because we're the only three people in here right now. But when you bring this mewling piece of shit in here it drives me nuts.

It must be very difficult to have kids. THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE/WANT ANY! And I wish you wouldn't foist yours on me, or my business.

I'm Gonna Have Your Ass Towed!

We are two doors down from an AA meeting place. They don't bother most people to much, and being close to a place where people with addictive personalities congregate can have its upside for me (Think "Tanorexia"). But every six weeks or so they get a new batch of DUIs that have to show up for court appointed counseling, or whatever they do in there. And since we're on a really busy street, and have the only private parking on this entire block they think it's okay to park here.

Well guess what, drunk/crackhead/junkie? There are only 24 spaces in the whole lot. So while you don't see what the big deal is, when five or six of you idiots show up, you're taking parking spaces away from my customers. And I'm already fighting with the restaurant for the two hours a day when they're really busy. And if my customers can't come in here they won't spend any money and then I have a problem.

I've been fighting the urge to tow somebody again, but the last time I did it, it seemed to drive the point home with a lot of you selfish morons. I felt a little bad about it for a while. It must suck getting handed a $175.00 tow bill after begging for a ride from someone, to that shit hole that is Cicero, Illinois where the tow yard is, but I got over it, and I might have to start doing it again. And I have been trying to be nice about it, you know telling you, "you can't park here", and all of that, but some of you are Jones-ing for whatever your recreational drug of choice is, and I'm sick of the confrontations. Plus it's gonna get really, really busy in here any day. It happens just that fast too. We'll go from 50-70 people a day in here, to 125-150 a day almost literally overnight. Where are we supposed to put all of their cars? If you don't get the hint soon, it's gonna suck to be you. Even more than usual I mean.

You've been warned.

Guess Who Came in Here To Tan Yesterday

I get a phone call, "Hey this is Randy Orton" I said Hey! I thought it was a different Randy. "I need your Super-bed I can be there in five minutes". "Okay."I say "But someone's in it right now but I'm sure they'll be done by the time you get here". "Okay I'll be there", he says.

I don't know who Randy Orton is. But he said it with such authority I figured I'd better Google it up. Oh THAT Randy Orton, He's a wrestler. I guess. He shows up and I guess he's a "bad boy(?)" wrestler. But there were a couple of high school sophomore girls here at exactly the same time, and I thought they were gonna shit.

He seemed like a nice enough guy. And he's really tall, like, 6 foot 5 or something. He brought his friend with him. Some dude named Seamus. And we chatted for about 20 minutes before I realized he was a wrestler too. I felt kinda like a dumb-ass. I traded Randy Orton a tan for an autographed picture that I could hang up. I figure it's good advertising. The Seamus guy didn't have a picture with him but he signed a piece of paper for me. He asked who he should make it out to and I said...

"Make it out to Pasta, the coolest guy to ever beat me at wrestling."

He didn't though. Some people have no sense of humor. They said they would be back so that's cool. I'm never very star-struck, but some people are, I think it's a cool thing to be able to say they've been in here.

I saw these guys last week.

Isn't she HOT

They're called The Creepshow, and they're from Canada (eh?). And they played at the "Subterranean" last week in Chicago. They were awesome. They sounded great live, as in they didn't suck, and it's obvious they sound like they do without a lot of studio trickery like the "Big Names" so obviously use. And the singer is smokin'. And she's really, really tiny. I was surprised at how tiny. She walked by me before I realized who she was and she was at about the middle of my chest at the most. Anyway the music isn't really for everybody because it's borderline punky, fast, and loud sort of music. I was kinda surprised at the mosh pit which I don't do anymore since nearly getting my leg completely shattered in a mosh pit at a Ramones concert, thank you very much.

It's called horror-punk, or horror-pop, but the songs are catchy, and aside from the sometimes sorta dumb lyrics it's a lot of fun and its a really cool place to see a show. But there is one tiny little problem. It's the clothes. And believe me it's not everybody. The girls with all the tattoos, the stiletto heels, the fishnets, and jet black (or especially red!!) hair are all very, very hot.

Imagine Betty Page/40's/retro/borderline fetish thing happening.

Well I like it anyway.

So here is that problem. If you're 5'4" tall, and you weigh 245 pounds it's probably best to avoid this kind of costuming.

Bleached blonde/jet black hair, a bright red polka dot top, high heels, torn pantyhose and porcelain skin look good on the girl in the picture on the left. But it just makes you look like an escaped mental patient. So maybe next time tone it down a little bit would you?

Oh No the Floor is wet?!

Yeah sorry about that. It snowed 15 inches just last week, and the floor is wet because you waited until you came inside to stomp the snow off of your shoes. Then when you took them off you set them right next to a tanning bed that's been running non-stop all day and is as hot as a standard pizza oven.

I'll mop it up as soon as you leave, but you see, I'm not really supposed to go in the room while you're in there. And you will be like the tenth person to tell me... "Why don't you get rugs for the rooms?" Why? Because at the end of the night I'm stuck cleaning up 10 soaking wet, smelly rugs.

Plus most people can't walk and chew gum at the same time. The last thing I want is someone tripping over a rug and bashing their face into a glass filled tanning bed. I'm waiting to get sued every second of the day as it is, I don't need to worry about that too. Oh and everyone else that comes in will complain that the rug in the room is wet. See how that works? So I'm gonna stick with what's easiest for me. Just keeping this place going is enough of a pain in the ass as it is. Don't believe me? Hand me $250,000 or $300,000 and I'll hand you the keys, and you'll never find me.

He hates me!!! (Boo Hoo.What a Fag)

When I opened this place, I didn't realize how slow it would get in here at times. Well it does. I could easily go an hour in the summer without seeing a customer, sometimes two. So to pass the time I started going to celebrity gossip sites. You know all Lindsay/Jessica Simpson all the time, that kind of thing. Well a few months ago, one of these sites said Hey! be our fan on Facebook. So I did. The fan page is just like the site. You can read the stories, comment the whole bit.

Well, somewhere along the way I noticed the stories were the same four, or five people all the time. It was *kinda* funny writing so I hung around for a while. Then I started to notice that the commenters would simply copy, and paste a "funny" line or joke from the writers story into their comment and type LOL. You know what I mean? It was lame. Then I noticed most of the stories were lame. Then I decided the whole site was pretty lame. Well anyway, I started commenting, and I worked hard at it. I wanted to out-funny this dimwit, and all of those other brainless commenters. And guess what? I did. But I didn't realize it really until someone friend requested me from the page. And then mentioned they'd e-mailed the writer asking him if he was me.

It turns out that other people were also e-mailing the site to find out if I was the writer of the site. (He's anonymous. But on Facebook your name and picture show up.) So I think people thought I was him trolling his own comment section.

I guess this got his tampon all sideways or something, because he started writing back-handed shit after my comments. And then either him, or his cousin, or little brother, or someone, would start commenting, after MY comments things like..."Everyone hates you Pasta", or "You're not funny and everyone hates you" It was insane, sad, and laughable all at the same time. What a joke, and what a total loser. I don't know why he just didn't ban me outright. Wouldn't that have been easier? I'm still a fan and I show up once in a while just to let him know I'm still around, and to give him grief. But it's still as lame as ever, with new tales (sometimes two!) everyday about Lindsay Lohan. Besides Deceiver.com is where it's at.

These guys are awesome

If you don't think so, go be gay somewhere else.

WOW! It's been a while.

Sorry for not updating to everyone that reads this (Santa, Eddie from the mental ward) but honestly I got busy and this blog, God that's a stupid word, just plain got forgotten about. But something happened the other day and I said... Hey! There's something I could pointlessly write about so no one would read it!

Well, I'm going somewhere, and as I'm driving along, I wind up behind this guy with a giant sticker in his back window that says in GIANT words...

A RECKLESSLY DISTRACTED DRIVE ALMOST KILLED ME!

We both wind up in the turn lane and as he leans forward, and looks to his left to look for traffic, I see that he's on his cell phone! HA! I see the perfect opportunity to be a smart ass. So immediately there are train tracks, and thank God a train comes along, so we both get stopped. So I zip around on his left, and do that "roll down your window" motion which I'm surprised people still react too. Do cars even come with window cranks anymore? And what's the deal with these small toilet paper rolls nowadays? Anyway he rolls down his window with the phone still up to his ear. Here's the conversation...

Him: What's up?
Me: Was that recklessly distracted driver you?! (pointing at him)
Him: **Staring at me bewildered**
Me: You know...That recklessly distracted driver? You're on your cellphone, was that you?
Him: I CAN TALK ON THE PHONE! (he's upset, I think)
Me: Yeah but you're recklessly distracted aren't you? You could almost kill somebody!
Him: WELL I'M NOT TEXTING!!
Me: (I actually start laughing) Don't you see any irony in all this?!
Him **staring at me bewildered again**

Maybe he just forgot about the sticker in the window. The train ends and we pull away. He hangs back. WAY back, and I lose sight of him. Hopefully he didn't almost kill someone that day.